This is kind of new for me - this isn't the type of stuff I would normally talk about, let alone write about on the 'net. But I am desperate. My wife and I are best friends. I feel that way toward her, and she told me the same thing. she told me I was her soul mate. We can always talk - about anything. We never yell at each other, or anything like that. But I was told the other day that she has not been "satisfied" by me an years. At least not the traditional way. Orally, things are fine. But not the way she wants to connect with me. She has told me it was due to my "size". although I'm just about average, she told me she had been with "bigger" men, and was able to be satisfied by them. I've been looking online for different positions, techniques, etc., but have not found anything that has worked.
I've tried longer foreplay (which, after 2 kids and 13 years of marriage, had quite honestly, been reduced to a couple of minutes). So that part needed fixing up, anyway. But I'm at my wit's end - I love my wife dearly, but it seems our marriage is slipping away.
Can anyone offer any advise here? Anything I can do?
Thanks Kathy.......i think i could use that line in many of the posts on this board. People lookign for pills and websites to be sources for soultions for problems...when many of the time its about passion and intimacy!
My partner and i work VERY HARD to keep both in balance and a part of our day to day life and our sex life.
Well Rawbob, "This isn't about sex anymore..this is about passion and intimacy" I like this statement too. A mistake so many couples make in life, not to stop and realize what it's all about. Very good. Rbob. kathy
Hi LOVEMYWIFE:
I have read your post, the replies, and your replies..and I agree with the assessment that you DO have a FEW BIG ISSUES!
Now, in your first post, it was all about the size of your penis, as you continued to reply, we find out she's cheated on you, she is talking about leaving, etc.
I'm speaking from a bit of experience here when i say it sounds like she's been thinking about this for a LONG time. She's looking at her life and somehow feels she's been shortchanged in life experience.
I also understand that you are a bit shell shocked by this because it comes as such a surprise to you. You have been going along with life as if all was hunky-dory, and BANG out comes all this stuff that she's been holding inside for a long time.
Did u let your body go?
Did you get lazy when it came to sex? (ie: you lick, stick, cum and you're done?)
This isn't about sex anymore..this is about passion and intimacy. She is looking for an exit strategy. Her hints about moving out, leaving the kids with you is all about ESCAPE. I'm afraid to say it, but i think she's really just looking for the right time and reason to just GO!
Now, i belive that you need to get to a marriage counselor ASAP!
There are some deep-seeded issues here my friend..and unless she deals with her own inner issues of self-worth, etc, you're not going to make any progress.
I'd say "Be a man" if I wouldn't get labelled as a sexist. LOL
It sounds like this "problem" is not about sex. When I said be her soul mate, not her sex machine... well, now I sense that needs to be expanded.
You could, I suppose, suggest a threesome with a thin (attractive) man with a big dick.
Or you could announce to her that she has 50% of the responsibility for your marriage and your sex life. It is NOT (for example) "weird" to enjoy sex with your best friend. Sex is about intimacy. It sounds like she has a problem with intimacy. You're so busy defending yourself and trying to please her that you haven't begun to look at what she's contributing to the problem.
You need to ask her what "trying too hard" to save the marriage means. She might have a legitimate beef there if you are constantly talking about it, etc. and being a pain in the butt. At the same time, you might ask what she's willing to do to save it. (Be prepared for the asnwer that it's not worth saving.)
From everything you've said, putting pillows under her butt is not the answer.
Marriages rarely fail because one partner "fails" in a couple of areas. But very often a dominating or controlling spouse will create that feeling (not always intentionally). They truly take advantage of the partner who's determined to "do anything" to save the marriage. Sometimes the best way to save the marriage is to stop doing whatever the partner is demanding and get right in their face with your own demands.
At this point, I don't think you have much to lose if you try that.
lovemywife I just read this thread and from what I can see you have some real problems with your wife. You both agree that your best friends (soul mates even) but that she is not feeling satisfied with you as a lover. I see a real red flag with her saying she is thinking of leaving you to decide if she still loves you. For her to be thinking like that is pretty extreme in my opinion. She is going out and drinking and getting "too friendly" I would say she is already leaving you in her heart. You say she is lazy and just lays there much of the time as you do all the work. Yet complains that you don't satisfy her.
It sounds like you have a selfish wife on your hands that is only concerned about what she wants and is not very sensitive to you and your desires. You say you can talk about anything and never yell at one another. That tells me there is a lack of passion going on.
I could give you all kinds of advice on how to spice up your sex life. There is tons of books, websites and other things that can do that also. But if the heart is not willing then there is nothing you can do to fix this.
I wonder if your too passive in dealing with her. She seems to be able to do and say what she wants and you feel you have to do everything to fix it. I know we are only getting your side of the story so you need to ask yourself what you are doing wrong. Is this a matter of sex only or is there a much deeper problem going on and you are both just using the sex as the excuse. I personally think things are much deeper then sexual technique which is easily fixed if your both willing.
[QUOTE=Quote (WallyLlama @ Oct. 08 2004,03:37)]I think Kathy's suggestion is great... because it will show your commitment even if it doesn't work.
But I also think there may be more to this. There's a reason this is coming up after 13 years... and blaming it on your size is both a cop out and an announcement that you can't measure up (literally and figuratively).
I'd strongly suggest (and this should be easy based on your description of the relationship) that you make her a partner in solving this "problem." This is not a case of you being inadequate - it would be the same if you were broke and the car died. You'd have to find a way to get transportation and you'd work on it together.
One unanswered question in your post is whether or not this has been bothering her for 13 years. Maybe it's NOT a problem, but you're in the process of making it one... I think if you research this board you'll find some women much like her and they accept it... and their partners "work" with it.
Be her soul-mate; not her sex-machine.[/QUOTE]
Also, I have asked her to tell me what she likes and dislikes. I told her that if we are in fact "soul mates" like she said we were, that we had the hard part down. The sex part can be fixed - that should be the easy part. Am I right on this? She has told me it is weird having sex with her best friend. So far, she has told me a couple of things she likes, and a few she dislikes. But not in a couple of weeks.
She told me she has been trying to be satisfied by propping herselk up on a pillow to get a better angle. I don't know if it has helped or made it worse. Well, I know it hasn't helped, because I can tell.
We tend to start orally, and when she climaxes that way, then she wants me in her. Should I not wait until she climaxes? Maybe she isn't capable of multiple orgasms?
I am willing to try anything to fix this. She has always been a lazy type of lover. She sometimes will just lay there while I kiss and lick and nibble her all over. I can tell she's enjoying it, but she still just lays there and moans.
I know part of the problem is that I need to lose about 25 pounds. she has told me she doesn't find me attractive, therefore, she doesn't look at me and want to have sex. I've lost 8 so far. I probably shouldn't have to do that, but it won't hurt me anyway, and maybe it could help.
My commi9tment was never in doubt. She has told me I'm trying too hard to save our marriage. I told her you can never work too hard. This I truly believe. I love her dearly, and have told her that.
[QUOTE=Quote (WallyLlama @ Oct. 08 2004,03:37)]I think Kathy's suggestion is great... because it will show your commitment even if it doesn't work.
But I also think there may be more to this. There's a reason this is coming up after 13 years... and blaming it on your size is both a cop out and an announcement that you can't measure up (literally and figuratively).
I'd strongly suggest (and this should be easy based on your description of the relationship) that you make her a partner in solving this "problem." This is not a case of you being inadequate - it would be the same if you were broke and the car died. You'd have to find a way to get transportation and you'd work on it together.
One unanswered question in your post is whether or not this has been bothering her for 13 years. Maybe it's NOT a problem, but you're in the process of making it one... I think if you research this board you'll find some women much like her and they accept it... and their partners "work" with it.
Be her soul-mate; not her sex-machine.[/QUOTE]
She has told me I am her soul mate. But she's talking about moving out. Getting an apartment to get away from me to see if she really loves me or not. It's killing me.
she is certainly acting like she doesn't love me anymore. She said I could keep the house and our 2 kids. It's like she wants to be 18 and single again (she's 35).
She has cheated on me in the past. She goes out with friends and gets drunk, and when she's drunk, she's very "friendly". That hasn't helped our situation.
"She has told me it was due to my "size"."
Love, I think she said something else and you read the wrong thing into it. Unless she, very much, misunderstands her own self
"I've tried longer foreplay, had quite honestly, been reduced to a couple of minutes). So that part needed fixing up, anyway."
Oh! That is terrible. Fix it, fix it, fix it, right away. That is up to you not her.
Hint, foreplay should consist of not touching the sex parts until the very end. Tease, tease, tease. It should never be shorter than 45 minutes. Being verbal is a turn on and hearing how much the desire is also a big turn on.
Two more things. I am sorry for tearing apart your words and rebuilding your sentences but I wanted to get the garbage out of them.
Also, so look at WallyLlamas' profile. Now that's a beautiful man. Hum, anyway. Go to his signature. Learn what that means. Practice it.
Sorry Wally. I had to get that in here somewhere. It fits perfectly. Kathy
I think Kathy's suggestion is great... because it will show your commitment even if it doesn't work.
But I also think there may be more to this. There's a reason this is coming up after 13 years... and blaming it on your size is both a cop out and an announcement that you can't measure up (literally and figuratively).
I'd strongly suggest (and this should be easy based on your description of the relationship) that you make her a partner in solving this "problem." This is not a case of you being inadequate - it would be the same if you were broke and the car died. You'd have to find a way to get transportation and you'd work on it together.
One unanswered question in your post is whether or not this has been bothering her for 13 years. Maybe it's NOT a problem, but you're in the process of making it one... I think if you research this board you'll find some women much like her and they accept it... and their partners "work" with it.
Be her soul-mate; not her sex-machine.
Hi Love, You are crazy. I think you are reading to much into what she says. Size doesn't matter, it's how you use it. Learn how to do that.
You must tease her to the end of the earth. Foreplay for hours. Speak out loud. Tell her you can't live without her and that there is no one else for her. That her hair is beautiful and that you can't live without her. Over and over again. Once she is excited enough, the key is to only put your penis into her, to hit her g spot. Don't go any farther. Never give her your whole penis until she climaxes.
If you can't take that length of time without climaxin, masturbate before you start with her, so you can last a bit longer.
Hurry , go do it, she'll love it. Kath