So here is my situation.

I have been mastrubating and having orgasms since I was about 10 years old. At 19 I got married as a virgin. My new husband was not. He was also older than me at 32. I married him for all the wrong reasons, because I thought he would make me feel worthwhile and give me the love and attention I craved. It backfired big time and he was very manipulative and emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abusive. He used sex (or lack thereof) to control me. I wanted sex because it was the only way I got attention, even though he was not good at it and made no effort to please me. I was lucky if I got it once a month, and if I tried to initiate anything he would get angry with me and say I was pressuring him.

For the last 8 months of our marriage, we did not have sex once. I had given up and lost myself in reading and other activities and ignored him (which he got angry about because I didn't jump at his beck and call)

Long story short, I have been divorced for about 4 months now.

During the last 8 months I've gotten to know a very close friend, and because we were both going through divorces and both had rather high sex drives, we've become friends with benefits. We will not become more than that for some time because we both have a lot of baggage to sort through before we can be in a healthy relationship, with each other or anyone else.

So, my friend is VERY skilled in bed, open minded, and always tries to please me. The problem is, I have trouble responding. Sex has so many negative memories and connotations for me that it takes a conscious effort for me to respond to him. There was one occasion where we were in a 69 position and a bit later he told me that at one point he'd done something and I just started gushing juices...

I don't remember feeling anything much different. Sure, it felt good, but I did not feel my body respond at that level.

So, I don't know if my problem is physical, emotional, or psychological, or a combination, and worst of all, I don't know how to overcome it.

To achieve an orgasm, it takes just the right motions, with me in just the right position, with just the right pressure, and it takes forever, and sometimes I get too tired to even finish and just give up. I've been masturbating the same way for the last 13 years (I am 23 now) and I'm afraid my body has gotten so used to just doing it that way I won't ever be able to do it differently.

I think the worst part is that I feel like if I don't come, my friend will be dissapointed that he wasn't able to get me there, even though he's doing everything right. He says that's not the case and his feelings and his ego aren't hurt at all, but I feel like I am failing him...