I'm in a tough situation, a new one to me. There's a girl I like quite a bit, and we've been dating a while. We have sex at least twice every time we see each other, but it's not good sex:
* I always initiate. She never initiates.
* She's very passive in bed - no sounds, very little movement, never takes the initiative to change position, suck me, etc. She's basically like a doll.
* She doesn't orgasm from penetration or grinding, it takes LONG (>30 minutes) manual stimulation which about half the time she has to finish because I just can't get it right.
So when you add it all up... sex isn't that much fun, and I feel a little guilty because she doesn't orgasm much. And I know she feels guilty that it takes so long.
About the only time sex is good is when she's really, really drunk - then she loudly moans, thrusts, and is much more aggressive.
Now, on the positive side...
* She's always willing to have sex (if I initiate).
* She's willing to try many (but not all) new things - anal, sex outside, vibrating cock ring, etc.
We've talked about most of this, and she's been told in the past that she's "boring in bed" (something I'd never say to her in those words). And we really like each other, but sex is very important to me, and so I'm wondering what I should do here.
Would love some perspective on this.
I think her lack of responsiveness to you is inhibition and what she was told in the past. Since you said give her some alcohol and life is fine; then she is loosing her inhibitions while intoxicated.
Have you tried to tell her you like it when she does X or Y? Positive reinforcement? If you are not enjoying it she is probably sensing it. I would talk about what you do like and encourage her to be more open.
If all fails, you need to find a partner you are sexually compatible with.
Okay - she is definitely inhibited.
Try this: get naked, stand just out of reach, and tease her - nyah, nyah you can't catch me! Keep it up until she's either ready to strangle you or races you to the bed. You want her HOT and if you do it right - she will be.
Another thing to do might sound silly but it works very well is to "Play Tigers". Both of you, fully dressed, get on your hands and knees and pretend to be tigers. You cannot use your hands as hands but only as paws. The idea is to roll your 'opponent' onto their back and to make a 'raspberry' onto their naked tummy. Be sure to growl and roar ferociously and to use the sides of your face, as tigers will, to nudge, press, and maneuver your 'opponent' into position.
Please stop using alcohol to stimulate and relax her. And do not rush this process. Read www.wickedwomangoup.us for further ideas. Better yet, have her read it and tell her tha you'd ADORE it if she did something like this with you! Then, brace yourself for the impact!
> * She doesn't orgasm from penetration or grinding, it takes LONG (>30 minutes) manual stimulation which about half the time she has to finish because I just can't get it right.
Very few positions position our respective body parts in close enough contact and long enough contact to generate the required friction. Except for the Woman Superior and a few other positions, what most guys do when using the Missionary and other more common ones is to reach around and finger the clitoris while stroking away.
As for not being able to get it right, there is a Sticky article or two that delves into the matter. There are two requirements: First, that she take your fingers and guides your movements over a few sessions so that you can learn the technique that is unique and specific to the way she masturbates. Until you can learn to mimic her movements, rhythms, and pressures, it is a 50-50 bet that you will do it properly. With something so important, who wants this for a batting average. (The same works for you with her.)
Second, is feedback. It is important to give cues in order to clue our partner as to how we are responding to their caresses and for what we may need, now.
> sex is very important to me, and so I'm wondering what I should do here.
Does your girlfriend recognize that her inhibitions are getting in the way?
One approach to improving the situation is to play act. Try playing "Nurse" or "Doctor". Take turns being the patient and the examiner. You can lead and teach her by example, a much more subtle approach than "honey do this" or "why don't you do that"?
Take turns caressing each other. Caress her, then take her hand and place it on your body and encourage her to do what you just did--if she doesn't follow through on her own.
Her inhibitions may be tied to her lack of confidence and perhaps self esteem. This will generally improve over time as she becomes more comfortable with you, your relationship, and, the small gains she experiences when she does do something new and different. Give her positive feedback and reinforcement for all that she does that has a positive affect. Let her know that you like this or that kiss or caress and that you sure would like her to do this or that more often, then let it go. "I like it when you do this"; "don't stop"; "more..more", etc. React with the animation and vocalization you would like her to eventually employ, knowing tho that this may not be who she is.
Read some of the articles listed in the Index, including EEKs Body Worship. Do this with and for each other. Go to the bookstore and buy the "Joy of Sex" and maybe another manual, or go to the library and search the stack for one to take home and read together.
I have been in a similar situation. In my situation the girl was very shy but when she got a little alcohol in her she was very opposite of shy. From what I could gather in my situation is that she was embarrased to moan, change positions, or take the lead. While not being an expert in the field I have taken a Human sexuality class. One of the steps towards female orgasm I remember the professor really trying to make a point was "surrendering" (some feminists in the class missed the point though) He was talking about letting loose and just going with what she felt instead of holding back because of embarrasement or insecurities. Without this "surrender" a true orgasm wasnt possible.
I wonder if alcohol helps her let loose and "surrender"
If you really like her like you say you do then dont let this get in the way. If you really care for someone you should want to help them more than anything. By asking for help on this board I think you do want to help her.
It is not "surrender"; it is "giving herself permission to enjoy sex".
Guys, it is the skill, the timing, and learning to "listen" to her body so you give her the stimulus she needs right when and how she needs it. Admittedly, I orgasm as soon as he drops his pants - so to speak - and I make myself crystal clear, but if you pay attention, you'll see what I mean.
After warming up as discussed below, move onto body worship. It really, really, REALLY works!!!
I would LOVE to try the thing where when we're naked I tease her and don't let her touch me and go "nyaa nyaa". It sounds like a lot of fun.
I have tried teasing her before. One example is putting my penis just barely in her vagina and holding it there rather than entering. Another is absent-mindedly brushing her sensitive areas but not actually touching them. Whenever I do this, she always claims she can hold out longer than I can, like it's some kind of contest.
I would give anything for her to just say "pleeaaasssseee, stick it in meeeee!!", rather than "haha, I bet you move before I do".
She's also extremely serious in bed, and doesn't seem to have any concept of fun or play. One notable occurrence was last night when she was riding me, and got up slooowly. I giggled and said "you're such a tease", and she said "I was just trying to make sex more interesting". I would have expected her to say "tell me you want it" or "yeah, how does it feel to be teeeeaaasssed" or something.
I think she takes herself too seriously. Dirty talk yields yes or no answers, nothing else.
I am going to try the get naked and tease her thing. It's kind of weird in that I always initiate, so I'll be the one who disrobed her and everything. But I will report back.
Well, I also told you to Play Tigers which is definitely NOT a serious game, but you seem to hate that idea. And teasing by being naked and going "nyah nyah" is friendly whereas holding your penis just outside of her vagina is not friendly - learn the difference!
I could be way off base here, but for some reason while picturing this, i questioned whether you had any creative foreplay? IF she isnt into it at all, something is wrong... by initiating, do you just say.. ok lets do it.. or do you make it something great for her. Try to do ANYTHING you can to slowly get her into the mood.
I personally will randomly have candles lit etc when she gets home, have a bathtub full for her to go in by herself and relax and wash up (or invite me, up to her)... as "lame" as this may sound... take 3 hours sometime, and bring out all the stops and see if that doesnt get her into it..
In short it just seems like she's worried about it more than she should be, but i could have completely mis-read that. hope it helps.