What to do about boyfriend's sexual anxiety?

[Spicygirl82]

Hey everyone. My boyfriend, in the past, had a rather traumatic experience regarding sexuality in general. I am not speaking of sexual orientation but something else. I do not wish to go into detail about it but it does not involve me. Anyway, my boyfriend now has a lot of sexual anxiety due to this past experience. What can I do to help him overcome this problem? It really affects our sex life.

[wannaplayMr. Postman]

it's really hard to give advise if you won't tell us what's causing his anxiety.

[Brandye]

Digital stimulation, oral stimulation, non-demanding approach. Dismiss failures as part of life and build his confidence slowly.

[Spicygirl82]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Digital stimulation, oral stimulation, non-demanding approach. Dismiss failures as part of life and build his confidence slowly.

Thanks Brandye! This should be very helpful!

Mr. Postman, sorry, but that is private information.

[RedRoses]

Well, the fact you state it 'affects your sexlife' is in part a good thing, cause I read from it that there is a sexlife between you two! Which means that whatever anxiety he is experiencing, he hasn't completely shut down (do correct me if I'm wrong)

My advise would be: be mindful, be patient. Talk to him, just to let him know that you love him and that he's able to trust you. He'll probably come to you and tell about the things that frighten him (in fact: that he told you about his trauma is a great start!) Every time you get intimate, take things very slowly, read him carefully. There could be very specific bodyparts he does not want you to touch, certain positions he does not want to do (not necessarily intercourse, also just cuddling), certain action he does not want. I know from my own experience this can be very specific: I did not like kissing my bf and would get all scared when we cuddled and he'd bend over me or get on top of me. Though I immediately really enjoyed his caress on my bare back and stomach When you've found out these not-spots, don't go there. Or after a while, go there very cautiously(!)

Patience, patience, patience...

And if you don't want to tell about his trauma, that's all ok But do keep in mind that he should NOT feel ashamed of it!

[Spicygirl82]

Originally Posted by RedRoses

Well, the fact you state it 'affects your sexlife' is in part a good thing, cause I read from it that there is a sexlife between you two! Which means that whatever anxiety he is experiencing, he hasn't completely shut down (do correct me if I'm wrong)

My advise would be: be mindful, be patient. Talk to him, just to let him know that you love him and that he's able to trust you. He'll probably come to you and tell about the things that frighten him (in fact: that he told you about his trauma is a great start!) Every time you get intimate, take things very slowly, read him carefully. There could be very specific bodyparts he does not want you to touch, certain positions he does not want to do (not necessarily intercourse, also just cuddling), certain action he does not want. I know from my own experience this can be very specific: I did not like kissing my bf and would get all scared when we cuddled and he'd bend over me or get on top of me. Though I immediately really enjoyed his caress on my bare back and stomach When you've found out these not-spots, don't go there. Or after a while, go there very cautiously(!)

Patience, patience, patience...

And if you don't want to tell about his trauma, that's all ok But do keep in mind that he should NOT feel ashamed of it!

Hey thanks for the advice! I have been practicing the virtue of patience and will continue to do so. I will also remember your other advice.

[EvilEvilKitten]

As a bit of practice: go exploring. Touch him this way here and observe his reaction and encourage him to be honest about his feelings - like it or don't like it? Take notes. (Mentally, don't sit there with a clipboard though that could be kinky.) Since he's shy, you can't be. But you do have to go slowly and make sure there are no surprises that could spook him.

Always takes the man at his word. If he says no, accept it. Do NOT go back later and try it UNTIL he specifically asks for it. No pushing of boundaries.