Need Advice- Sorry so long

[fescue]

Man, I have just inundated these boards of late. Thanks to all who have contributed to easing my mind.

I think I know the answer to this but I have gotten mixed reactions from women and I am curious what others think.

I am 46, I had a heart attack at 45 and since that time (I think due to blood pressure medication) I started having some erectile dysfunction. Never any trouble getting it up but difficulty maintaining it for the duration I wanted. At times this was very embarrassing. Saw the doctor, tried Viagra and with my last LT relationship it seemed to fit very well with our sexual patterns and habits. Meaning we were kind of routine and ritualzed about sex and it was easy to know when to take "the pill" and get the best results.

Now I am dating again. Its very difficult to know when to disclose this piece of information. I have had three short term relationships over the past year. The first lady it neve came up and the sex was not good and no issues.

The next lady, I chose to tell after our second sexual encounter and was a little nervous about it cause she was placing such an emphasis on spontenaiety. My nemisis. She had much difficulty understanding "the pill" and it lead to our demise in ways cause she kept implying that she needed a man who was excited by her and not by some pill.

I tried explaining to her that "the pill" is not an aphrodesiac (sp?) and without the proper stimulation (ie what turns me on) there is no erection. Despite this she continued to drop uncomfortable "jabs" about the pill and I cut it off with her in part due to that.

Now I am seeing a very lovely, very sexual and very open minded woman. Our sex has been phenominal up to this point. We have had sex 4 occasions now, twice through the evening and again in the a.m. upon waking. Twice I have had mild ED in the a.m. (obviously) and this morning she started caressing me and BOING. She said, I am going to sit on that and make you cum. I had told her and experience had proven that Cowgirl is one of my weakness positions. I went limp after five minutes or so and she said in a frustrated way,"What, what's wrong." I was mortified and made up an excuse about having thought about the bed squeaking and waking her son. She went to make coffee, I took half a pill and after coffee we made had glorious sex with her resuming her intent on cowgirling me to orgasm and she succeeded in spades and she was even jealous that her orgasms didnt last as long as mine. I came very hard , she is a very sexy and luscious woman who turns me on immensely.

When do I tell her that I take "the pill" I would have told her already if not for the reaction of the past lady. Now I am fearful cause we are really hitting it off and I can sense this moving to a more exclusive, LT situation that I desperately do not want to F*** up.

By the way, I am aware of Cialis and have tried it, it may have been psychological but I had trouble maintaining an erection with Cialis after the twenty four hour mark (supposed to last 36)

[Caitlain]

The fact of the matter is that you need to be honest with her, period. If she's going to freak because you're on the pill, then do you really want to be with someone who's going to be that shallow?

Honesty is one of the key ingredients in any successful relationship. Just explain to her what the deal is, just like you've done here (assuming you're in a position to share that you've been with other women).

The Cialis should help you solve the spontaneity problems, and maybe once you've opened up to her, the psychological factor will become a non-issue.

[browneyedgirl]

I understand your concern completely, but I do agree that you should probably tell her. If she's not OK with it, skrew her. That's really HER problem. The past gf you speak of sounds pretty insensitive given that this is a medical issue. It sounds like that woman may have been a little insecure with herself and took it out on you. If this new woman is as open minded as you say, and LTR worthy, I'm sure she'll be more understanding.

You also might want to talk to your doctor - it's possible that if you tried a different blood pressure med, the ED would go away all together.

[fescue]

I told her and she was totally kewl with it all. Thanks.

[dancingdoc2]

Fantastic.

Now, as for Cialis, if you want to use it instead of Viagra, then plan your work and work your plan; in other words, if it only works for 24 hours, then plan your lovemaking to fit within the time frame that it is active for you. Because it lasts longer, you should be able to bring spontinaity(sp) back into your lovemaking.

[fescue]

Thanks very much doc

Admittedly, I had done some reading about Cialis and was impacted by statements that the erection was not quite as "stiff" but it was easier to ejaculate as compared to Viagra. I think this freaked me out a bit. I wanted to stay with what worked.

The doc only gave me 10mg tabs and I am going to ask for 20mg and give it another try. Anyone know of any precedent against Insurance Companies for limiting the amount of these medications?? I can only get 16 pills in 90 days and I am sorry that is not enough. I am surprised thay have not been challenged on some type of emotional damage type of claim, "you ruined my relationship" sort of thing. Silly but just wondered.

Thanks again

[fescue]

I just wanted to take the opportunity to thank those who resonded, again. Of course I am self centered so I wanted to give you all an update as well.

Regarding the pill. I have managed to use the Cialis and have been getting great results. On a brighter note, I have been with her several times without the pill and it has been fine, very exciting and no erection problems.

In fact, she has asked me twice if/when I have used the pills and if it would be any benefit for her to take one. We discussed the current literature on female response to these drugs (Viagra, Cialis) and agreed to conduct our own trials.

We are sexually very compatible and considering I just spent the past nine days at her home as a "guest" we seem to be very compatible in other areas also. The sex has been phenominal and though I am a big boy and not naive, we both have said it is the best sexual experience we have ever had. She continues to toy with me regarding "things to come" and hints that she enjoys anal sex and porn and ventures into the unknown (BDSM) and thus far we have gone out three times and bought sexy bustier's and stockings and panties and OMFG she is sooooooo hot! We went to a semi formal Holiday party and she nearly blew my mind with her flirting and sexy undergarments and teasing me all night. Forty six years old and feel like I was just re-born. Thanks for all of your help and support.
Fes

[Brandye]

1. OK, the literature has some encouragement for women trying ED drugs but there is pretty good indication that they do nothing. If you are concerned about your supply issues, do not waste them on trying to do things for her.

2. You are living with a mix of drugs in your system. Many are, but in this case the blood pressure medication definitely reduces the effectiveness of the ED drug - whichever you use. Things are working pretty well; do not try to regain your potency of your twenties. Will not happen.

3. All drugs in your system have a "half-life." That is the time it takes for one-half the dose to be removed from your system (by the kidneys, liver). This is partly based upon individual metabolism. The 36 hour stuff is based on the median-man. Some will dump it faster and some slower. Increasing the dose will keep a "therapeutic dose" in your system longer.

4. The ED drugs affect, mainly, two little valves that allow blood to flow into the two ballons that make a penis erect. Sexual fatigue involves much more than those two valves.

5. Sex play for women can be fun (even very satisfying, believe me) without penile penetration. You new friend seems to have an imagination and is adventurous. She is likely amenable to alternatives.

European doctors are, in comparison to our American peers, a bit on the minimalist side when it comes to dumping stuff into patients bodies. As the relationship ages, you will reach a plateau - all relationships do. Do not kill yourself (literally, at least for sexual function) trying to reach a peak that may now be a bit beyond your reach. Find a pace for the long haul not a sprint.

[Brandye]

Your “issues” have been at the back of my mind for several hours. Now, I shall address as though you were in my surgery – or office or whatever you Yanks call it. When in University, a partner and I used more than two dozen condoms one weekend. Yes, I was sore, very sore, but the point is that we were twenty years old. Even if I could find him (now your age), he would be neither interested nor capable of duplicating that feat.

You are 45 and you have some health issues. Live with it. Of the many factors that affect your getting it up, smoking, overweight, lack of exercise and lack of sleep are the leading culprits. These then are associated with stress, diabetes and fatigue. You need to look at your total lifestyle, not just getting it to stand proud.

The ideas your friend has come up with for the future all require greater sexual stamina and firmer erection. Not going to happen no matter what dose you talk your doctor into. Anal penetration requires a firmer penis than acceptance into a willing vagina. BDSM requires longer lasting erection than “regular” sex. You need to focus on activities that enhance variety and enjoyment without stressing the reproductive system. Sensual massage, properly done, takes a while, is great for both partners and does not require constant erection. Very few men are any good at it – especially for the specifically female parts – breasts and pudenda, externally and internally. Poorly done it feels like our annual pap smear; well done, wow! Reflexology opens new vistas (literally as well as figuratively). It leads to toe sucking, guaranteed to drive one to new heights, and places you squarely on the autobahn to the back of the knee, the inner thighs and beyond.

No man I have ever met has mastered the art of oral as my female partner. Many women will tell you the same. Does not require an erection, either. Much of this is behind the idea, written up by a man, of “women first.” Our orgasms are more complicated and fragile but once we get there we are willing to do most anything to satisfy our partners. The shot of endorphins a man gets when he ejaculates tend to induce a pleasant lassitude rather than active sexual satisfaction of the woman partner. You two celebrate what you can do rather than worrying about what is no longer practicable.

[fescue]

Thanks very much Brande. I hope it is not just for my ego but she says that she cannot believe how well I can stimulate her orally since, "I never had one of those." I am also very adept at sensual massage and the art of sensual lovemaking without penetration. Your points are interesting and cause me to reflect a bit. I believe you may be correct on the increased stamina and firmness thing. She often has been keenly interested in how quickly she can bring me to orgasm as a sign of my arousal for and by her. I think we will need to talk eventually about the need to enjoy each other in ways that certainly lead to powerful orgasms, but are not the focus of our efforts. She has said that other (past) lovers have told her she "wants it too often and enjoys it too much" and she was quick to get that out there in the early part of our relationship. She does want it often and she is very demonstrative and physically/verbally responsive to anything I do to her which is wildly exciting for me. I think we will plateau but I do fear that she, like others, feel their prowess as a woman/lover is measured by how quickly they can make a man cum or loose control. I on the other hand, like to drag it out and tease and lick and suck and build up to orgasm. I aespecially enjoy bringing a woman off orally before the penetration is even considered. I had a woman say she wanted a man who could cum walking across the room aty the mere thought of her....ok well. Thanks. I am a bit intimidated by the frequency and intensity of our love making and "our" (my) ability to maintain the sprint, yes. Hmmmmm but OMG last night we made glorious love and both had marvelous orgasms and immediately upon waking this morning she placed my semi erect penis in her and said, "how do you want me?" I orgasmed, we had coffee then I licked her to orgasm in what seemed like about three minutes with her saying wow, I have never usually been able to get off in the morning!!
Till later.