The meaning of sex...psychological?

[VardaElentari]

I'm a 23 year old female.

I was raised to be ultra-religious. I was taught that sex is for procreation only, and not to be enjoyed. I had a masturbation "problem" as a teenager, which led me to feel guilty, and I began to practice self-mutilation and bdsm-style fantasies as early as age 12.

When I was a freshman in college, I became an atheist. It has taken a few years to recover from my childhood indoctrination regarding expectations of deities and the supernatural consequences of sin. I am much happier now, and I stopped the self-abuse, but my sex drive has not "recovered" as of yet.

Where do I find the meaning of sex? How do I make it enjoyable for me? I don't know where to keep looking, but I desire to keep trying.

-Porn does not help me. It only makes me feel bad about myself.
-Sexy women on my TV do NOT help me... (self-esteem issues)
-Romance novels do not help me. They're so goofy and unrealistic.

*This is the only thing that has remotely helped me: imagining I am a sex goddess...worshipped by all of the penises in the kingdom. It takes a lot of mind control to make this fantasy work, but it's the only one that does it for me.
*So does this mean sex is psychological?
*Do I need to see a costly therapist to get my sex life in order? Or can I just read about it somewhere instead???

[Narhethi]

I would suggest just flirting with others, to get your self esteem up. this might also help your sex drive because of the teasing etc...

I am a sex goddess

you make it sound as if that is completely prepostorous

[LittleFury]

You might try to just find a trully good guy, who will be patient and loving. A man who will care greatly for you, and you for him. Sex is both psychological and physical. At times it can be an expression of affection. At times it is just physical.
Maybe this will help. In a way,, I was brought like you. While not ultra-religious, but my mothers views on sex were the same as how you were taught. Sex was very closely tied to emotion for me, and also sense of stability. To me, it was horrid to have sex with someone you are just dating. It had to be at least a fiance. What helped me was meeting a man, who will be my hubby if I don't kill him first . He was very patient with me, he was very reasuring, he did in fact make me feel like a sex goddess.
Sometimes it just takes time, and sometime it just takes meeting the right person. And remember, each person is different. To some it is a lot more psychological, like with me. To some, it is more physical.
Just take time, maybe meet that right man and take a chance. Also, you may want to try reading erotic stories. They are more realistic, less goofy and more graphic than romance novels.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Varda -
Try the novels of Georgette Heyer - perhaps a different time but the interaction beteen characters is wonderful guidance vis a vis male and female. The 'rules' remain applicable today.

A sex goddess worshipped by all the penises - huh. Well, you may be a dominatrix - congratulations - but study the rules first.

Having been married to the same man for 28 years now, I can relate little Fury - sometimes I could just strangle him! But I haven't. Not yet. Maybe next week?

[LittleFury]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Varda -
Having been married to the same man for 28 years now, I can relate little Fury - sometimes I could just strangle him! But I haven't. Not yet. Maybe next week?

Ooooh, you shouldn't have said that. It'd be a premeditated murder now
I more invision hitting him with a cast iron skillet. But I don't want to hurt the skillet on his thick skull Ah, wonders of long term relationship.

Btw, Varda, nothing wrong with imagining that you're a sex goddess. IN fact, a guy you are with outta make you feel like one.

[SexTherapy]

ooo varda have you tried erotic literature? screw romance novels. find everything by jallen in the entertainment section of this forum.

[Sirene]

This is exactly why religion should be banned & all religious morons killed.

[LittleFury]

Sirene...that would be unconstitutional. And at times religion is not bad. Just religious fanatism is. Too much of a good thing is almost never good.

[Sirene]

Religion is never a good thing. It's caused nothing but guilt & wars for it's mindless followers.

[browneyedgirl]

Sex is very psychological for a lot of people. To be able to enjoy sex, you need to be in the right mindset, or you'll just close yourself off to accepting pleasure. I think that finding someone you trust and love will really help you to open up and relax during sex. Sex is OK if it's just sex, but it's great when it's something you can do together with someone you really care about, and have it be about giving each other pleasure and connecting with each other.

You say that you imagine yourself as a sex goddess, and also that you have had thoughts about BDSM. There is nothing wrong with kinky sex! You don't need to get rid of these thoughts! I don't think you should be cutting yourself or mutilating yourself, but many people find BDSM relationships to be very loving, fulfilling, and sexy. You might explore this side of sex a little more - but only with a partner who you REALLY trust, since this kind of play can be very risky otherwise.

If you choose to go this route, make sure you have a safeword, and talk about your boundaries BEFORE HAND! And remember - safe, sane, and consenual.

Therapy might help you work past a lot of your issues - with sex, religion, your childhood. This is probably a very good option for you, albeit expensive. Are you still in college? Many colleges have free counseling services. So do many free health clinics. So... you might want to check that out as an inexpensive option. If you can't vent to a therapist, I would encourage you to talk to close friends, or a sibling if you have one who you trust.

Reading material? Try Marquis de Sade and Masoch!