trying to have sex

[JustTrying2BeAGOODBoyfriend]

Umm i wasnt too sure where to post this, so i just put it under "sexual disorders" uhh... but here it is...

Perhaps the past 2-4 times my girlfriend and I have been trying to have sex, her Vagina will be open and loose if i finger her, and i can do that ALL day long without a problem... BUT as soon as i try inserting my penis into her, her Vagina contracts dramatically and ANY contact with her Vagina is EXTREMELY painful for her... she says she is ready for sex, and that she wants it... but i don't know why her body is reacting this way... HELP... i know there are doctors out there so PLZ PLZ PLZ help a guy out,

Thanks,
-Rick

[Brandye]

This is not an unusual problem. Often the pain of first intercourse is attributed to the hymen whilst it should be attributed to the involuntary tightening of the muscles. Who know why andy one woman reacts this way? But many of us do. Some do work through it on their own; most need help.

Few thoughts: 1. We are most receptive and relaxed right after orgasm. Try helping her have an orgasm digitally or orally or have her masturbate to orgasm and then attempt insertion immediately after. She should be in a completely relaxed state. That is, on her back rather than supporting herself in any other position.

2. In extreme cases this will not be worked out without help. Any women's health clinic or good gyn can refer her for assistance. Sex therapists work with this problem frequently. Usually visualization and relaxation exercies. Sometimes use of dildo and pleasing herself.

3. Think of this as helping her, not you. As long as this vaginismus continues, it is a problem she must deal with. Have her do a google on vaginismus and look the stuff over.

I do not agree with much of the stuff online that says this is a rare condition; it is more common than most physicians believe. Beware of the self-treament "kits." They are rip-offs. See a qualified sex therapist. Incidentally, your assistance and participation may be asked for by the therapist.

[JustTrying2BeAGOODBoyfriend]

Mkk... thanks, I'll go down the list till something works... 'cause she's been very upset and frusterated because of the situation... Thank you very much Brandye

-Rick

[Brandye]

No, don't go down the list until something works. Each failure will make it more likely that the next will also be a failure and, eventually, the slef-image and confidence is to the point where she will never have sexual satisfaction. It is not a matter of what you do as much as what she does. It is her responsibility, not yours. She needs help.

[JustTrying2BeAGOODBoyfriend]

Uh.. now im confused... 'cause I'm kinda in this WITH her... so how do i... like.. support her?

[Brandye]

Look, Boyfriend, vaginismus is, by definition a woman's condition. No vagina, no vaginismus. There is no analogous condition for males. Because it is a condition she is experiencing, your role is important but very limited. You provide support and, when wanted, a penis. The rest is up to her. She will likely require professional help. Going down a checklist trying various things will do more harm than good.

The begged question is what if she does not want to seek help? Nothing you can do but move on with your life. You lack the training and experience to give her the help she needs. You can support whatever she chooses to do. Which may be "nothing."

[BaseballFeign18]

Hey the kid is just trying to get some help for his girlfriend. He obviously cares about her and wants to help and support her. Why are you being so rude to him? At least he's not the type of guy who moves on when he can't "get any". Stop being a man-basher and lend some support.

[canoestripper]

I read about a case like this in a magazine while waiting at the doctor's office a few weeks ago. (They really need to get more men's magazines. LOL) Anyway, the couple had been married over a year and never had sex. Same problem, she would tightened up. They went to counciling and sex therapy, and about a year after that, finally were able to have intercourse.

In almost all cases of vaginismus, there is no "do it yourself" cure. She needs professional help. She needs positive progress, or it's only going to get worse. THAT is what Brandye is trying to get across to you. Do, as Brandye suggested, a search on vaginismus and educate yourselves, then get her to a doctor.

Brandye says there is no analogous condition for males, but imagine how you would feel if every time you tried to have intercourse, you lost your erection and it was painful. That's about as close as you're going to get to what it is like.

And Brandye: If the doctors in Europe are better at keeping up with their schedules, they could sure teach our's a thing or three.

[Brandye]

Thanks for the help Canoe. I was getting frustrated.

Our schedule keeping is about the same. Sadly. I have the luck to be in a small surgery (clinic in US terms) and we do fairly well except during tourist season with trauma. Last was a horrible motorcycle crash that two doctors and two nurses tied up for several hours to get him ready for the helicopter. The schedule that day was out the window. People are still calling me at home over that one.

[BaseballFeign18]

You doctors always have some medical term for when something's wrong. Maybe she's just not ready. Maybe she's scared. It doesn't have to be a "medical condtion". Sex is painful for women, and some take longer to get used to it. Have you ever wondered how old this girl is? You're telling her to go to a doctor because she "can't have sex" and she's SIXTEEN years old.
You were "getting frustrated"? Well that's a medical condition. There must be something wrong. You should seek help immediately.