Ok, here's the problem: I was going down on my girlfriend the other night, I thought everything was going fine until she suddenly told me to stop. Of course, my confidence plummeted and I had to keep asking why she wanted me to stop. She eventually said it was because I wasn't enjoying myself. She said if I wasn't enjoying myself, she wouldn't enjoy it either. I have tried to assure her that I enjoy it and I love her and want to pleasure her but she just isn't buying it and says it makes her feel ugly and unattractive. Now, truth be told, I don't enjoy it all that much, and I only do it for her. Obviously she has been able to decipher this (damn!) and now I don't know what to do. Should I just try and do a better acting job or should I tell her the truth (which I think would be a very big blow to her, pardon the pun). I wish she could just lie back and enjoy it without thinking about anything else!
Sat, 01/05/2008 - 04:28
#1
Better acting - or tell her truth? Any advice from the ladies?
Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.
My, the games people play. Try being honest with yourself and her. If you are lying to the both of you, you have a pretty poor foundation for building a solid relationship. You've stated that--
* you did not enjoy what you were doing
* you thought everything was going OK, but....
* you want to perpetuate a lie by becoming a better actor doing things you do
> should I tell her the truth (which I think would be a very big blow to her,
> pardon the pun).
First, why not tell us the truth about what it is you do not like. Is it having sex with her? Is it performing oral sex? Other? Communication is the key to having a successful relationship and this includes the sexual aspect of one. In addition, a relationship is a partnership. It requires cooperation and work by the both of you. If you need to learn some skills or techniques or some methods, then tell her this and explore and learn together. Ask what you can do to please her and then strive to acquire the skills. Since she has picked up on the fact that you are not having a good time, then figure out why and fix you--not her.
We are willing to help you after you become honest with yourself and begin dealing with the real problem. Please give us some feedback or clarification.
> I wish she could just lie back and enjoy it without thinking about anything else!
Thanks for the reply, doc, although it does make me feel pretty bad about the whole situation.
To clarify: I was talking about giving her oral sex and it's not that I don't like it, I don't get anything from doing the actual act; I get turned on if she's enjoying it and is turned on but just going down on her doesn't really do anything for me on its own. Actually, I didn't think anyone got pleasure purely from going down on someone.
I'm not saying there is a problem with her, I suppose I'm having the big "man" point of view and saying that I don't think there is a problem. I'm not disgusted by her or by giving her oral sex which is what she seems to think and can't move past, I think all she needs is some reassurance and so I guess that was the "acting" I was referring to - not lying to her, but perhaps just exaggerating a bit.
I do enjoy going down on her and get a great amount of pleasure myself from being able to do that. No I do not orgasm from it, but it is very pleasurable for me. the taste, texture, and feel is just so different. Plus what it can do for her is amazing also. It doesn't always send her off and some of the time she just pulls me up because she wants me in her. but giving someone pleasure even if you don't get the same amount back out is a good thing. The fact that you are willing to do this for her without recieving an equal amount of pleasure is a good thing. Maybe you need to talk to her about it with this attitude that you really do enjoy seeing her recieve so much pleasure from giving her oral. My woman doesn't enjoy giving me oral as much as I do giving it to her, but she enjoys what it does for me and is willing anyway. I'm sure glad she is willing to do this for me. Sometimes though, the thought of her giving me oral turns her on even more since she views it as a nasty thing to do and so it raises her turn on level.
[QUOTE=mrdurden;204479]Thanks for the reply, doc, although it does make me feel pretty bad about the whole situation.
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You're welcome. Coversid has given a good assessment and I agree with his observations and recommendations.
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To clarify: I was talking about giving her oral sex and it's not that I don't like it, I don't get anything from doing the actual act; I get turned on if she's enjoying it and is turned on but just going down on her doesn't really do anything for me on its own.
[COLOR="Navy">Sometimes we have to derive enjoyment vicariously, through others. This would seem to be the key with your situation. Giving oral stimulation to our partner is going to provide the giving person with a certain amount of maintenance stimulation to keep his/her ardor from declining.
I also agree with 'sid about talking to each other about the role each of you has in accepting and giving pleasure as well as deriving pleasure from each other's contributions. From your assessment, it does not appear that your girlfriend understands that doing this or that that brings someone pleasure is not necessarily always going to have a mutual reaction or benefit.[/COLOR]
Actually, I didn't think anyone got pleasure purely from going down on someone.
[COLOR="Navy">Are you in effect saying that she does not or has yet to stimulate you orally?
Regardless of the answer, something is amiss here. I am here to tell you that from the male perspective, receiving oral stimulation can send a mind and psyche into the ozone layer of the atmosphere! The reasons for this are:
* We are turned on to a greater degree anyway just by being with and interacting with our partner
* Pheromones
* Reaching a higher high or state of arousal beyond what we attain when a climax is triggered is possible because the stimulation is different from and not what it takes to trigger an orgasm. This being the case, we can experience much greater sexual tension, excitement, and pleasure up to a point when we just can't stand any more. In order to trigger an orgasm, this stimulation must stop in order to let us slide back down our arousal curve a bit; then, continue with the stimulation that you have been conditioned to in order to trigger an orgasm.
I'm presuming all this is true for the gentler gender, also.[/COLOR]
I'm not saying there is a problem with her, I suppose I'm having the big "man" point of view and saying that I don't think there is a problem. I'm not disgusted by her or by giving her oral sex which is what she seems to think and can't move past, I think all she needs is some reassurance and so I guess that was the "acting" I was referring to - not lying to her, but perhaps just exaggerating a bit.
[COLOR="Navy">'sid hit another nail on the head when he mentioned the inequality each of us derives from our sex play. I believe it is important for your girlfriend to understand that making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. It is a partnership in which each contributes. We give to each other for their benefit and enjoyment, not so much ours which is more the result of doing something nice for the one we love. {Read: "vicariously")[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
Had I to offer a guess, it is that your girlfriend desires to be close and connected with you and her approach is to know that you are receiving as much pleasure from what the two of you are doing as she is. This is unrealistic. The joy, contentment, and, pleasure, come from the participation and the giving, and from witnessing the results that do not have to be equally shared is the focus. Please help her to understand this.
It may be that your girlfriend is struggling with matters of self-confidence and self esteem. I don't know, although if she is looking to you for her approval to let go and simply enjoy and to become lost in the moment and not seeing it in your outward enjoyment, then it is likely that she will react as she is doing--blaming you for not being able to give her the permission she really needs to give herself.
Lastly, I suggest that the two of you read through the Index of how-to articles and read most of them. They cover a range of common concerns that people have. Some articles (and their resulting threads) provide much needed background information that will help by giving each of you a much better foundation of information upon which to build a well rounded well oiled relationship.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
Simple, you just stated you didn't recieve pleasure from the act itself but when she's enjoying it you enjoy it. Tell her that exactly. Be honest and sincere like you were on the forum.
She does have self-confidence and self esteem issues, the only problem is that I'm not entirely sure how to help (I think it's probably where the being honest and sincere comes in, right?).
She's my first (I'm not her first) and if it was an issue about technique I'd feel much more able to tackle it (we have had issues of technique so she's not afraid to say, in case that's what you're thinking). The fact that it's a matter of emotional support leaves me a little stumped - I suppose I have somewhat overlooked this aspect of love-making; it's a lot more important than I had realised.
She does give me oral, by the way, actually, it seems most of what we do is for my benefit and I really want to even the score and give her a fair share of the pleasure.
I don't think she is able to fully relax with me yet and that's why it's easier for her to be the pleasure-giver, rather than receiver. It makes me feel like half the lover though.
Tell her that you turning her on, turns you on. Cunnilingus is not for you (that's fellatio) but for her. When combined with G-Spot stimulation - WOW!
Since she's your first, I'll be merciful - but please read the sticky posts esp those entitled Body Worship and The Program.
Self-esteem/body issues? After her 40th orgasm - she won't care. Just tell her how marvelous she is. How stunningly beautiful she is, and so on. Then ACT like she is.