I recently betrayed my best friend by sleeping with her bf. It was a horrifically bad mistake. I have regretted it ever since and now have to live with by selfish actions. Now I need advice to handle it from here. I would imagine I won't be getting sympathy. Still, I am hoping someone can look past my despicable act and give advice. I don't deserve it, I know. Why did I do it? I didnt realize this beforehand, but I am a jealous person. My friend was in a happy relationship and I was not. I have a bf, who is very nice. But he's not the one.
Anyway, I rent a beach house with my bf, my friend, my friends bf and six other friends. By pure coincidence, my friends bf and myself were the only ones at the house one Thursday night. We both took work off on Friday for different reasons. We had a very nice conversation. He told me he was looking at engagement rings. At the end of the night, he got up to kiss me good night. I leaned in and got him on the mouth. We was surprised at first, but soon returned the kiss. He took me into one of the bedrooms and the rest is history. Let's just say, we didn't sleep.
At the time, I did not feel bad. It was exceptionally good. It was also, I am ashamed to admit, a big ego boost and a huge power trip. Afterwards, though, the magnitude of what I had done set in. I am now overcome with guilt. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I can't look my friend in the face or at myself in the mirror. What should I do?
Unfortunately, guilt is not my only problem. My friends bf hits on me all the time now. Sometimes right under my friends nose and sometimes under my bf's nose. I feel I should say something, but that would be difficult. During the act, I swore secrecy to this guy. It was definately on one-time thing. I'd like to continue pretending that it did not happen, but I don't know how long I could go on.
Please. I need advice. I don't deserve it, but I need it.
Wed, 07/16/2003 - 15:28
#1
Betrayal of a friend
Ok, here's my opinion. It's prob not what you want to hear, but it's my point of view. First of all cheating on your boyfriend is bad enough, but cheating with your best friends boyfriend is unforgivable. No matter what, your friendship is bound to fail now. Even if you came clean to her, she wouldn't be able to trust you with any of her boyfriends in the future. The relationship between her and her boyfriend is also the same. Not only did he cheat, but he cheated with her best friend. I think that you should come clean. If she was really your friend you would because she needs to know that he cheated on her. You may lose her as a friend, but that's bound to happen because of what you did. Doesn't sound fun but that's my advice.
There is not a woman among us who has not used the power of her sex to get something. Maybe that includes intercourse, maybe flirtation or anything in between. Where do you draw the line between what is OK and what is not. We may agree that you stepped over the line but he is the jerk more than you. You were not talking engagement ring, he was. You are not continuing the initiative, he is.
Tell him flat out to knock that crap off. Your girlfriend needs to know he is a cheater. Whether you plant the message through friends, in which case he will tell her, or do it face to face, you lose. In the short term, you will be the seducer who broke up her engagement. In the longer term who knows.
Have we not all done something to be regretted? Is it not always painful to face up to it? You have some rough days ahead and a major decision that is all yours.
Hugs
ah.... sticky situation...I agree w/ both of th previous posts. What you did was really bad, but I do believe that u truly do feel bad about it. You need to tell her boyfriend to stop and I think u need to sit down with her and tell her. Coming clean would be the best thing to do. Good Luck.
I agree with the post before me, you nee to tell her, but you need to be the first, so she know you are beeing honest with her and not just doing it because you got caught. Yeah it was fun, but now it's time to take it like a woman (Lol) and come out clean with every one. You may loose a friend and a b/f in the process but it's only way if you want to have chance at (maybe) getting them back some day. Good luck.
It's very sad to be the friend who gets betrayed so badly...especialy if you are the last one to know.
I agree with the post that said your friendship is doomed now any way you slice it. Come clean. She deserves to know what a jerk he is and how you've treated your friendship.
Live life.
Good luck.
Hi again. Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreciate it. I guess the concensus is that I have to come clean. I will do it. It's going to be difficult, though. 'I slept with your bf,' is not something you can candycoat.
Anyway, I had another related question. I feel guilt for a variety of reasons. Here;s one more. During the act, I did not feel guilty. The situation was a big turn on. I am not just talking about that the sex was very good. I liked the fact that I was with my friends bf. It was almost like a victory. Like I had something over her. He was telling me I was better than her and it was turning me on. Afterwards I felt ashamed that I felt that way. I find those thoughts disgusting now. Why did I feel that way during? I am not like that. I can't stand that I felt like that. Am I sick?
Also, what should I do about my bf? He's going to be hurt too. As stated, that relationship is not as important to me. It's not going anywhere. Still, he doesn't deserve that humiliation. The two guys know each other. My friends bf thinks he's top dog now. He basically said it. He has no remorse.
What a mess. You should come clean to everyone, and lay low for sure. Everyones going to be upset.
Heat of the moment. The passion, the excitement of the whole thing was short lived. And now you have a huge deluge of feelings to clean up. Good luck.
I'm going to take the dissenting viewpoint. It appears that there is a lot to lose and nothing to gain in coming clean in this. You've made a selfish mistake as has the b/f. But what purpose does it serve to potentially destroy his engagement as well as your friendship with your g/f. She's the one who has been wronged and she's the one who will suffer the most if you go public.
I believe the situation is much better served if you had a "come to Jesus" talk with the guy. Let him know that what happened was a huge mistake on both of your parts, but his g/f is the most important factor in this episode. Let him know that it will not happen again and he had best put a stop to the flirting. Tell him that you're got your eye on him now and will not hesitate to tell his girlfriend/fiance about your episode if he continues to come on to you or you get the sense that he's off fooling around with someone else.
Thats a good point too Wiseman.
Sometimes what you dont know cant hurt you.
Right now, I think I am leaning toward the 'what she doesn't know, won't hurt her' approach. I don't have the courage to tell her and she doesn't seem to have any idea about what happened. Anyway, I did talk to the guy, my friend's bf. It went so-so. He agreed to continue keeping it secret and he apologized for hitting on me in front of my bf and my friend. On the other hand, he came off like a really immature weasel. He argued that it wasn;t a mistake at all. We were sober and we were together for several hours. How could that be a mistake? He made me feel worse. Also, he made some obnoxious and disparaging remarks about my bf. That's my fault. During our night together, he was telling me that I was better than my friend and I was telling him he was better than my bf. Now he's throwing it up in my face. Even though I am to blame, I am now remorseful. He is not. He's acting as though the only thing he wanted to do was conquer someone's gf? Are a lot of men, or even women, like that? Furthermore, since he swore secrecy and promised to stop hitting on me, can I keep the entire thing secret?
i just would like to add this quotes:
[QUOTE=Quote ]
William James:
Pragmatism asks its usual question. "Grant an idea or belief to be true," it says, "what concrete difference will its being true make in anyone's actual life? How will the truth be realized? What experiences will be different from those which would obtain if the belief were false? What, in short, is the truth's cash-value in experiential terms?
Pragmatism (1907)
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Quote ]
George MacDonald:
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
[/QUOTE]
Okay...I've heard "what you don't know can't hurt you." But that philosophy comes to bite you in the arse more than just being truthful. Honesty is a whole lot cheaper than lies, and granted it does hurt, but a continuation of lies will hurt 1000 times more. Believe me. I've done it and experienced it. Tell the truth, don't hide it. You may lose friends, but would you rather go through life with a hole in your conscience and a knot in your stomach?
I am amazed by your lack of remorse actually. If you felt as bad as you now say, you would tell her, you wouldn't give this jerk the power to cheat and keep it a secret. You are now saying that he is not remorseful, yet when you orignally posted you remarked how good it was.
You say that he feels this way:
"He's acting as though the only thing he wanted to do was conquer someone's gf?"
Yet you did the same thing:
"At the time, I did not feel bad. It was exceptionally good. It was also, I am ashamed to admit, a big ego boost and a huge power trip."
You are not a friend to this girl, and you should spare her and let her move on and find people who won't use her and feel good about it. You should both be ashamed at your behavior, it disgusts me. Sorry, but that's my opinion.
Dishonestly isnt good, I stated that previously.
But on the other hand Wiseman was right too.
It's all on the idividual and how they handle such matters.
Of course not doing it at all is a pretty sure way to not have to decide.
Live life. Good luck.
If he cheated on her and showed no remorse, he will most likely do so again and again, as many times as he can get away with. What she doesn't know can't hurt her...until she finds out after ten years of marriage, three kids and an STD or two. Let your friend know, so that she can dump him before it's too late.
Sexxy Kitty, Can't someone make a dumb mistake and feel bad about it later? Can't someone enjoy a selfish act, then feel remorseful later? A lot of my remarks seem contradictory. I was trying to indicate that I am confused and having mixed feelings. I do feel guilty. At the same time, there is a part of me that feel somewhat triumphant. Sometimes, when I am with my friend, I am thinking, 'if you only knew what I did.' I sometimes think that when I am with my bf too. Still, at the end of the day, I feel extremely guilty. I know that those thought are horrible and I am ashamed that I think that way. I know I should tell my friend and my bf, but I am having trouble bringing myself to do it. Maybe I will build up the courage. This board is pushing me in that direction, so it's definately a help. Part of me, though, feels like I shouldn't say anything. My bf doesn't know and my friend doesn;t know. Is one indiscretion so bad?
[QUOTE=Quote (MarD93 @ July 21 2003,21:58)]Is one indiscretion so bad?[/QUOTE]
if one indiscretion is not so bad then, how many do you think you need to make it so bad?
I have a similar story. I was, however, much younger than you when it happened and I didn't actually sleep with the guy. I went to the movies with 2 of my close friends, one brought an ex who she wanted to reunite with, the other brought an old friend who she had promised to spend the night with, and then a third guy came who one of my friends was hoping to hook-up with. Anyway, the situation was totally awkward and none of us really knew what was going on.
The next day, my friends ex starts to call me daily begging me to go out with him. I was pretty scared that if I did my friend would gouge an eye out, but I started talking to the guy every night and calling him when he didn't call me. He kept telling me to just tell my friend I liked him, but I refused. Finally one day he figured out if he told his ex that she would hate him a lot more than she'd hate me. So, he told her, but only after we'd been talking for months and had already started going out.
Anyway, I know that it isn't the exact same thing, I never slept with him, we weren't ready for that. But, I know what it is like to feel you have betrayed a friend. I'm not sure if I'm happy that my friend found out, but I really did feel 10xs better after she knew. I broke up with the guy a long time ago, but we are still really good friends, talk all the time, and he was so upset at his ex's reaction to the entire thing (they were 15 when they first went out) he no longer speaks to her.
I hope that you have found an answer to your problem somewhere by now. You did something that was wrong, you know it, do what needs to be done and move on.
I have changed my mind again. I am going to come clean. everyone that responded, just about, thinks that's what I should do. I guess there's something to it. I will do it this weekend. I was hoping to get away with it, but I guess that's not the right thing.
Anyway, how do you know how old I am? Is that indicated somewhere?
marD93, if you dont mind my frank view.
mistake aside, i think you have a little of esteem problem or perhaps you are unware that you are jealous of your best friend & her relationship. i think you may like to get on the root of your mistake... what makes you do it?
hope this helps..
I am definately jealous of her. I didn't realize that before, but I realize that now. Anyway I finally admited the indiscretion to her. As expected, she didn't take it well. Our friendship is over . . . at least for the foreseeable futre. I can't blame her. I would have been furious as well. Here's the thing that I don't get though . . . she's still with her bf! Maybe that will change, but as for now, they're still together. Explain that to me? Why am I out and why is he in? Mutual friends tell me that he told her that I seduced him! I made the first move, but I don't know if it was a seduction. He didn't take much prodding. It seems like a double-standard.
Anyway, I didn't tell my bf and I don't plan to. He knows that I had a falling out with my friend. I told him that my friends bf hit on me and I turned him down. THe friend found out about it and is mad at me because she doesn't trust. He bought it . . . for now. If someone tells him otherwise, I will continue to deny it.
i think your ex.best friend had alot of trust in you which resulted in her reaction. the more trust you have in a person the greater is the reaction once its betrayed = its that simple.
how come she still wz him? shes probably being talked over by him. when one is in love, they are usually blind.
Excuse me for being frank, but what's the point in being honest to one person, and continuing to lie to the other? Your boyfriend will find out eventually, most likely much sooner than you think. Chances are that your relationship with him will be over if he finds out from someone else. If you are completely honest with him at this point, at least there's some chance of salvaging the relationship.
Wiseman recommended the omission of truth, which I agree is the better choice in some rare circumstances. What you're doing, however, is outright lying. Come clean and accept the concequences for your mistake, whatever they may be.
I'm in total agreement with HotDiggity. While I felt the best approach was "the omission of truth" (thank you, that's the term I was looking for in my prior post) you've changed the rules on this episode. If you're gonna come clean, you'd best come clean with your b/f as well.
You've now lied to your b/f and will continue to compound that lie if you deny your actions. That's far from omitting the truth. You are now in a far worse position than you would have been regardless of whether you confessed or not to the parties involved from the start.
I agree with HotDiggity 100%. Coming clean to your friend is a start. It's still a lie. How would you feel if you found out a few months from now that your boyfriend slept with your best friend? Think about that and maybe you will have your answer.
I recently came clean with my bf. That relationship is now over. I made one mistake and now I am out a friend and a bf. That's an expensive lesson. Anyway, my former friend is still with her bf, even though I admitted what happened. That's a little unfair. She believes that I seduced him and he had nothing to do with it. I may have initiated it, but he had plenty to do with it. I didn't have to do much convincing. Here's another outrageous part of this entire story: HE HIT ON ME AGAIN! He called me one night and tried to get me to come over. I hung up on him. I'd tell my former friend this, but I don't think she'd believe me. Somehow, it'd be my fault again.
MarD93, you've done your part. Good for you, though I know you've come out on the short end. It's a tough battle to fight, but next time you talk to your ex-friend, tell her to please ask her boyfriend to stop calling you as you're not interested in another one night stand. Wish her the best with her fiance and ask her to have him remove you from his "speed dial" on the cell phone. I know it sounds flippant, but short of taping his phone calls (which is illegal in the U.S.) this ditz is going to have to learn a hard lesson all by herself.
Walk away from the whole situation. If he calls again, tell him you have him on tape and will play it for his fiance. This guy is an a**hole who manipulated you to a situation that suits his purpose and it's time for you to play hardball. You've lost a lot in this episode, don't put yourself in a position to lose any more.
You did the right thing, yes it left you in the doghouse, but you aren't hiding anything now, and can move on and find a relationship with someone who you will want to be faithfull to. Your friend will eventually learn, because her bf will do it again. Tough lesson, but good one. If you aren't ready to settle down make it clear to everyone involved and then there won't be any hard feelings in the end. Good luck.
It was mostly his fault as much as it was yours. He brought it on as much as you did. The thing is things like this are hard. She is with someone who wants to marry her yet sleep with other people... he is not trustworthy to her and i think you need to tell her... you may or not be spoken to ever again but for your freidnds sake you need to tell her so he won't hurt her and sleep with more and more people or just with you and not feel guilt or do feel guilt either way he is at blame as much as you are and you need to tell her b4 she marries this guy and yuo are standing there at the alter and crying inside cuz you know the truth of how "trustworthy" he really is to her. So.... yeah
Well you did the good thing and it was bad on your part but humans have their selfish acts. As for you friend completely ignore her and her fu**ing cocky self. ok? That is the thing you are doing anyway. Don't mess with her... eventually she will see in her own eyes he is an ass. and that he does cheat on her. He is a bastard and it will come out with time. The only thing for you to do is stay out of it. Being in there won't help you at all. It iwll only cause destruction and more pain to you than you already have. Next time things like this happen don't play with the hearts of real people.