Is it ok for best friends to have sex? (im talking about a guy and girl) we dated for a while but decided it would be better if we were friends. we were right. is it ok to do it?
Mon, 09/04/2006 - 07:01
#1
best friends
[QUOTE=BigKahuna;152617]The reason I was being a smart ass is because I don't appreciate people telling people there opinion as if it was the law... "this is the way it is..." its a whole bunch of social conditioning that doesn't have much of anything to back it up.... yet most people think it is the only right way to live.
thetease13, very well put...[/QUOTE]
BigKahuna i never said 'this is the way it is' or 'by law u must do this' if u read my previous post.. i merely stated that is how most people feel about the situation though i am not speaking for everyone.
If you had read all of the posts i and others have made you would have seen that.
as a bit of fun yes, it is fine. Though it could come back to bite you in the arse. make sure its really worth it.
and as always make sure u USE PROTECTION.
I wonder if this is how the phrase "friends with benefits" came about?
Sex for sex sake is OK among consenting adults; however, if this is just for pleasure, I certainly would think twice about engaging in intercourse since this is the pervue of love and is how the two psyches join for a moment in time. Since the two of you are not in love, having intercourse seems like a double standard. Keep your activities to foreplay only, is my recommendation.
haha thanks.
u bet. will PROBABALY just stick to foreplayish things. thanks for the advice
I completely disagree with dancingdoc2...
Friends can have sex for fun just the same as a couple can... assuming the human nature of selfishness and posessing each other doesn't enter the picture, i personally think its a lot more natural and healthy way to be.
The only issue, not that its any different the majority of sexual encounters, is to make sure to be safe so that you don't load the oven.
[QUOTE=BigKahuna;152358]I completely disagree with dancingdoc2...
Friends can have sex for fun just the same as a couple can... assuming the human nature of selfishness and posessing each other doesn't enter the picture, i personally think its a lot more natural and healthy way to be.
The only issue, not that its any different the majority of sexual encounters, is to make sure to be safe so that you don't load the oven.[/QUOTE]
yes but sex is meant to be a coming closer of two people in a solid relationship (i totally understand that time have definately changed)
It is meant to be that final pinacle of the relationship where you are that madly and deeply in love that you will indeed make love with each other thus bringing you even closer or closest you have every been.
It is not really an idea to be toyed or mucked around with as it will lose that feeling later on and will just be 'another time' as opposed to 'a special occasion'
[QUOTE]It is meant to be that final pinacle of the relationship where you are that madly and deeply in love that you will indeed make love with each other thus bringing you even closer or closest you have every been.
[/QUOTE]
Says who, the disney corporation and religion???
Do you really want to know or are you just smarting off?
To be honest, i was trying to be a bit of a smart ass...
That being said, if you do have an answer besides "that is the way its supposed to be", i'm all ears...
[QUOTE=BigKahuna;152519]To be honest, i was trying to be a bit of a smart ass...
That being said, if you do have an answer besides "that is the way its supposed to be", i'm all ears...[/QUOTE]
i never said 'that is the way it is supposed to be' i merely stated that alot of people think of sex as special. though i am not talking for everyone obviously.
The reason I was being a smart ass is because I don't appreciate people telling people there opinion as if it was the law... "this is the way it is..." its a whole bunch of social conditioning that doesn't have much of anything to back it up.... yet most people think it is the only right way to live.
thetease13, very well put...
I have been in a similar situation with a friend who I was intimate with. The actual situation itself with him was no problem. We were best friends, and one night, just kind of curled up with each other, and enjoyed it :)
It was not ackward. There was no weirdness at all when we were with each other outside of bed. In fact, it made our relationship stronger....
..until another party got involved.
[I will notate that this is only my opinion, since others seem to have a serious problem with giving advice and saying it is "fact" simply by not putting in specific "opinion triggers", like "I think.." and "in my opinion", and other sentences you see on 2nd grader tests to help children determine fact from opinion.]
You see, even if you are not dating, you are not involved with an intimate relationship with this other person. It is not about beginning to feel you "own the other person", but just a feeling of liking what you have, and having the natural territorial intincts that almost all humans have.
All was good until I found someone that I really wanted to date. I planned to have a monogamous relationship with him, so I had to advise my friend. Even though we were not "dating", there was still a "breaking up". There was jealousy, hurt feelings, and pretty much everything else that can come along with a regular relationship break up. Except, we felt compelled to keep spending time with each other, since we did not really just "break up", due to the fact that there was no "real relationship". Because the relationship was unspoken, a lot of the hurt feelings and negative thoughts regarding it's end also went unspoken. I guess neither of us wanted to speak about it, or confront it in the way that two people who broke off an official relationship would have. I did not want to, because then I would have to come to grips that I did, in fact, break off a "relationship" with someone who was deeply involved. And I can only theorize that he did not want to discuss it and appear to have been more attached then we had agreed it would get.
And it led to a lot of post-incident confusion for me, too. I had grown attached to him in a more intimate way than friendship. I started to doubt my decision, and part of me wanted to go back to where I was comfortable and familiar. It caused headaches with my current official relationship, since I would have thoughts of wanting to start an official relationship with my friend. And then all the issues that would come with that ("Would he be ok with that? What would happen then?", etc).
All in all, I really wish I had not done it. I know not everyone will have a similar experience, but I believe for the grand amount of people out there, just saying you are not in a "relationship", does not really mean you are not.
The problem with trying to be a smart ass is...
when you take away the "smart"...
look what's left!
To answer the original question at hand, it's all up to the two people that are doing it.
I'm in a friends with benefits type of relationship. I find nothing wrong with it and we make it work. I do have feelings for him and he could possibly have feelings for me. I really don't know. I don't ask. However, we've always agreed that we're friends above everything else so if for whatever reason we call the sex off, we're still gonna be friends.
Some people however can't make it work. Feelings get involved that they don't want and it puts pressure on the friends and it's just not worth it to them.
So really, whatever works for you.
Generally it's a bad idea to date close friends. The same goes for having sex with them.
Vper, your words were: [QUOTE]yes but sex is meant to be a coming closer of two people in a solid relationship [/QUOTE]
Since when is that what sex is supposed to be?
In this world, we are all conditioned to believe a lot of things... Sadly, many of these beliefs have next to nothing for basis, but we humans go around telling all the other humans HOW they are supposed to live...
I don't buy into very much of that stuff...
If you are going to be having sex for fun... it is just like playing. If you have a few friends you can play with, then you don't have to keep looking for a new playmates... if you don't have to find new playmates, you are less likely to run into stds... (theoritically)
The only problem with sex with friends is that most people suck... ie: they want to keep most good things in this world to themselves... they try to claim ownership, and then start drawing lines in the ground to establish their territory...
The harsh reality is that belief systems are just that -- belief systems. When you strip away the rhetoric (aka b.s.) people come to believe things for sundry reasons but their beliefs are choices. And they explain or defend them with relative degrees of logic. But that values logic. Some would say that is wrong; we should go with what feels right even if logic suggests otherwise.
There's a thread elsewhere here in which (in spite of the science and "facts") a gal is reported as "not feeling pregnant." I'm happy for her I guess. Personally, I wouldn't consider that a particularly dependable test.
I digress, but it's an example of how differently people think. On this issue, there are some people quite capable of a "friends with benefits" relationship. There are far many more (doesn't matter why - social conditioning, religious beliefs, personal choice...) who will find it difficult to do so. Those who find it more difficult are not necessarily more righteous. Those who find it easy are not necessarily more open-minded.
It's in the being able to explore/discuss the issues that we grow and - hopefully - make decisions that we can live with happily and live with together with others. To be sure, "social conditioning" plays a role, but it is not always a negative one.
Dazzy,
I definitely agree that it is difficult for many to do... Most of us are brought up with a specific view of the way things are, so we take on a belief system that can be difficult to break out of.
These are just assumptions, so i may be way of base... but here goes:
In your case, the confusion may have come from the desire to go into what I call an "un-natural" monogamous relationship...
Due to the jealousy that comes along with having something for yourself, you gave up your friend as a sexual contact. I believe a significant part of this was due to wanting the new guy for yourself and being a fair person... Since leaving one person for another can be viewed as rejection... some feelings will be hurt... just like when you don't make a sports team or losing an election...
In terms of the communication, I don't really believe in leaving things between close people unsaid. Forget the rules of relationships... rules about what you can or can not say... just be free. Drop your guard... persona, what ever you want to call it. Be open, be honest, be real. (That being said, I do believe in not repeating things 100's of times, as there is no sense in beating a dead horse.)
In terms of the headaches... Breaking molds is never easy... We have been conditioned deeply to think of sexual relationships a certain way, so the unconditioning can come with a lot of confusion and frustration.
Then again some people simply perfer the comfort of the cave...
I think it depends on the people. I have been in that position before and I couldn't imagine sleeping with my best friend. I think it just adds to awkwardness.
[QUOTE]I think it depends on the people[/QUOTE]
I completely agree... if i may refine: it depends on what people have been taught to believe.
have either of you even tried friends with benefits? my best friend and i are extremely close, we tell eachother everything, and we get alone really well. then again, we can help we're crazy attracted to eachother. sex seems like an amazing option for us.
I have, but I stated that before. lol.
I think just because you can tell this person everything and you all are joined at the hips sex could make it or brake it. My question is would you really want to risk recking it just for sex?? I wouldn't no matter what but then again sometimes it works for ppl.
somtimes it makes the two friends very uncomfortable, sometimes it makes them closer than every before. it varies from person to person. But you could say that in some situations it could be quite a gamble.