Hey guys, I really need some help understanding what is going on in my sex-life with my girlfriend. I am 24 and she is 20, and we have been going out for about a month and a half. Both of us had serious crushes on each other long before we dated and I feel that at this point in the relationship, both of us are in love. She tells me that I look hot at random moments during the day, so I know that there's a physical attraction and I make her laugh, help her cry and do sweet things for her so I know that there is an emotional attraction. Every part of our relationship is incredible... except for the sexual aspect.
When we started dating, she told me that she had only had sex intercourse once at the age of 14 and that she was caught by her parents and berated for it. The only other sexual experiences that she's had consist of external clitoral stimulation and fingering from ex-boyfriends and random hook-ups. When she let me have actual sexual intercourse with her, I definitely cherished her trust and wanted to make her feel incredible. The first time we had sex was great! Both of us came very hard at the same time and she told me that it was the best sex of her life. I thought things were incredible!
Two weeks ago, we had intercourse and a problem sprung up: I accidentally came and she did not. Every time we had sex before, she came either through stimulating her own clit or by me stimulating it for her. She curled up on the bed and went silent for a couple minutes. She broke her silence saying, "you know, every single time we've had sex, it hasn't been fun." I respond by saying, "well, baby, didn't you cum every time?" She said, "yes, but it wasnt a good orgasm. It didnt feel good."
She turned into a totally different woman at this point, and she explained this later as being frustrated at not getting an orgasm. She started telling me that her ex-bf and even random hook-ups were better than me. In a much worse way than I'm saying here. This was a massive slap to the face for me and I didnt know what to think. I spend alot of time on foreplay to get her wet and excited. I keep myself from cumming so that I can stimulate her more. I follow her suggestions and body movements.
I asked her what I could do better and she said, "I already told you. Its a big turn-off during sex if I have to tell you again and I'm not going to repeat myself." She then told me that it was like I had never touched a pussy before in my life. I've had experience before with several other girls, and I realize that every girl has her own personal preference during sex, but I never felt such a sexual disconnect with this girl that I love!
Just the other night, she was waiting at home for me, and got bored. She put on some porn, got herself excited and set a few things up to try a fantasy position of hers. I came home very tired, but when I saw her smile, I cheered myself up and wanted to genuinely go along with her mood. So I began feeling all of her erogenous areas in the way that she told me she liked, and I could feel that she was very wet. She started playing with me, but I had a long day and I was only partially hard after a minute of stimulation. After 5 minutes of foreplay she let out this big frustrated sigh and then went to the bed to collapse in a heap. I say, "baby, what's wrong?" and she tells me, "I'm just not feeling this." That really really upset me. She then tells me that everything I did was "off" and that she could hear my breathing and that it turned her off. She also told me that she was genuinely fantasizing about only me the entire day and that she wanted me to come back and have fun with her. I was devastated.
She apologized later that night for being mean, and I know that she's been stressed about her finals these past three weeks, but I am feeling a way that I've never really felt before about sex with her.
I'm really sorry that this is such a long post, but this has started to really wear on me. Can anyone please help me here? What's wrong? This is a girl that I love, but she's the only girl that I really cannot get excited.
It sounds as if she has her own personal issues and lacks any empathy for other's. If she is not willing to show you what she likes and to be damned patient, it's time to kick her to the curbside. Sorry, I know you love her but who needs to be treated this degrading? Maybe your feelings for her ran away before you got to know the real her. This is just the beginning of the relationship, think of how she will treat you a year from now.
You are not a monkey and perform at will & to her expectations; so her orgasm did not feel all that great, that is HER problem. Read docs and Brandyes posts on being responsible for our own orgasms and our partner helps us get there.
It's not like you have a long sexual history together here. It takes time to get to know the other and to see what does it for them. It sounds to me as if she is a confused, spoiled little child, making you feel like crap!
First, I am a bit confused. You she only had sex before at 14 but then say she finds other men better.
Second, the orgasm is not the enda ll and be all for women. The climax represents very different things for men and women. You need to talk this out and it sounds like you are getting signals that the end is coming.
Thank you very much for your replies, guys.
She said that the first time that she had penetrative intercourse was at 14. The random hook-ups and ex's only fingered her or rubbed her clit to stimulate an orgasm.
I asked her once if I ever gave her an "out-of-body" experience; she said "no, but I have had one."
I mean, every other part of our relationship is going well, but this is starting to put a huge divide between us. I have no hang-ups doing anything for my sexual partners, but she has very very defined tastes and preferences (which isnt a bad thing). Like, no oral sex and only rough/firm foreplay (the light "silk" touch apparently only tickles her no matter the pressure).
Sounds like you may not quite have that indefinable thing sometimes referred to as chemistry. You can be best friends, care for each other, have an emotional attachment yet not have the spark that makes things great in bed. Or sometimes, it can be the other way, you almost don't like a person but the sex is amazing.
Although she seems to be having orgasms regularly when you have sex, it doesn't sound like her head is in totally the right place, and she's not letting go and just enjoying it. Perhaps she tends to prefer manual clitoral stimulation more than intercourse, maybe you could try playing with her only instead of penetration to see if she has a more enjoyable orgams that way.
It sounds like communications regarding sex is pretty dicey at the moment. That's tricky because the best thing you can do about this sort of thing it talk about it. Perhaps in that cause try talking the next time during sex to see if there's anything she's willing to say while she perhaps in a less inhibited state.
I don't even know where to start on this one! lol
I mean she had an orgasm but it wasn't good? define good? :confused:
And the comment about... if she has to repeat herself again... its a turn off... I would have been pissed!
I mean like the other said.. you've only been dating a like a month.. it takes time to learn what the other person likes.
If she's not willing to put effort into the situation, then that's her own fault.
I think EEguy made a good point too... that some people can be best friends but just not sexually compatible... but then you can also have great sex w/ someone you have totally nothing in common w/.
It would be one thing if she was bringing up these issues in a way that you 2 could work on them... but she just degrades your whole manhood saying it's like you've never done it before and her ex and random hookups were better. Even if your ex is better... you tend not to tell the person you are w/ this bit of info... I mean what a downer :(
She seems to have issues w/ her first sexual experience and it has a deep down effect on her even now... her parents freaked her out so much about sex, she probably can't allow herself to let go and enjoy it!
Women can break a man's heart as fast as we can break hers!
I dont know how you could "love" her after a month and a half. love is something that should develop over time.
to be blunt it seems as if she is a head case! Your partner is not supposed to make you feel bad like she is doing to you.
I have to agree w/the other posters. There is a common theme everyone is painting. This is her problem and to make you feel bad, to insult what you do, and to compare you to the past is insensitive and cruel. If the situation is this, on this one topic, imagine when "real life" issues come up for her. What is she going to say to you then? Perhaps you believe the relationship is great in all other aspects but someone who treats you so poorly now, on the one VERY intimate act, will continue to spread the behavior. It's like poison ivy! You are just getting to know each other on a personal/intimate basis physically & emotionally. Is this attitude what you want for your future? It's not about the sex, it's the way she is treating you. Find a woman who is kind. It's as if her parent "berating" has worn off on her behavior in treating those she cares about.
She's sounds crazy or a bit schitzo.She contradicts herself. You'll come home one day and she'll be in the corner after having painted her face black with white tears and saying don't I look pretty. She's cruel and something is wrong there let her go.
End the relationship immediately. First - there is no such thing as a bad orgasm. It simply does not happen. Second - she is both mixed up and manipulative which is NOT something anyone needs. Let her go.
Thank you all for your replies. To be quite honest, its gotten me to the point where she doesnt even turn ME on anymore. This is pretty serious because I am incredibly open, without hang-ups and very willing to have sex (exclusively with my partners; I've got the monogamy flu).
I thought it was an issue with me and that I had just met someone I'd have to learn to be compatible with. I see that its not the case, and that she needs to deal with her own past demons, though I care enough about myself that I'm not going to let her throw them onto me.
I'm going to give her one more chance to talk things out and to try to fix this just because I do care about her, but if that doesnt work I'm going to have to leave her to save my happiness.
Thank you everyone. I feel alot better now that I understand what's going on here.
I think that's a good decision. You've done everything you can for her to help with her sexual problem. You seem to be a sensitive, caring person and she seems to be quite the opposite, so don't let yourself get caught up with someone who isn't sympathetic to your feelings.
I think you're making the right decision, too.
Let us know how it goes.
I don't know EEK. When I am PMSing I will somtimes get a head splitting migraine in the middle of an orgasm. Those kinda suck. Obviously that isn't what's happening here, but those are bad orgasms.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;176499] First - there is no such thing as a bad orgasm. It simply does not happen. [/QUOTE]
I don't know EEK. When I am PMSing I will somtimes get a head splitting migraine in the middle of an orgasm. Those kinda suck. Obviously that isn't what's happening here, but those are bad orgasms.
[quote=nottooblushing;177111]I don't know EEK. When I am PMSing I will somtimes get a head splitting migraine in the middle of an orgasm. Those kinda suck. Obviously that isn't what's happening here, but those are bad orgasms.[/quote]
Nottoblushing:
If you think about it while you are engaging in the act, you are all worked up, your blood vessels are constricted. When you orgasm you suddenly relax, causing the vessels to dilate; thus, the end result can be a major headache! Good old Vasodilation! Often when it begins a cup of coffee can help.
Oh yeah,& you have all those great hormones running at all time highs. If you are taking the BCP make certain you mention these migraines to your MD!
Migraines are vascular headaches and can be affected by anything in that system. An orgasm is a big event for the vascular system. This is part of some women's PMS with or without sexual arousal. Your doctor can help you control the headaches but you just may have a short period of each month during which orgasm is not desireable. I have had a few patients in the same boat.
I talked to my gyn about it. I pop 2 Naproxen Sodium and have a script for Zebultal if I really can't take the pain (haven't needed it in more than a year.) Usually just a diet soda and the Naproxen and it's all good.
I was just arguing for the sake of arguing that I have in fact had "bad" orgasms. And sometimes I actively avoid orgasm and just fool around for his benefit so I don't get them. It's not something that bothers me terribly. But thanks for the concern!;)
Hey Ddawg, Man, that sucks. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I pretty much agree with what everyone has said; it is her sexual issue and if she doesn't want to talk with you to make it better, well, that is not your fault. And for her to be saying what she has been to you is not just cruel, it's heartbreaking and uncalled for! Please let us know what happens and best of luck to you.