okay, i've been sitting here, reading and posting some, and i just got to thinking.
see, i'm new to all this sex business, and i'm just a bit curious as to what's going on in my head and how "normal" it all is. i was born christian and was raised to be the good, innocent little christian girl. touching yourself was bad and sex was for marriage and only then. but since i've been with my boyfriend (of 8 months) my mind has opened a lot. there's things i feel with him that i've never felt before, both emotionally and sexually. i have to admit, i didn't even touch myself in the least before him. we've talked about sex on and off, nothing too serious before, but lately, it seems to have gotten more serious, and not so in general... make sense?
anyway, all of these ideas and thoughs just kind of hit me all around the same time. there's so much i'm curious about and would like to try. i think i'm kind of hmm... still trying to adjust to these desires i now have and what not. that, and all of this coming onto me is a bit overwhelming.
i guess i'm just curious as to if anyone else is in the same boat as me and can relate? it's nice to know you're not alone when you're new at something. i'm sure you've all gone though this, but i'd just like some thoughts and advise, perhaps personal experiences if you're willing to share...
thanks. 
I knew it was someone I liked. thanks.
[QUOTE=Quote (finewine @ Feb. 06 2005,18:31)]This is a good place to come for a sounding board for your thoughts. "To thine own self be true." Who said that? I can't remember.[/QUOTE]
William Shakespeare
This is a good place to come for a sounding board for your thoughts. "To thine own self be true." Who said that? I can't remember.
Your very welcome.
Congratulations! It sounds like you have truly arrived at an understanding of "where you are" and what to do. If I can offer one additional thought it is to never stop giving yourself and your thoughts value.
Treasure both - yourself and your thoughts.
You are no less a person and no less "beautiful" for the decision not to take this step. Quite the contrary! People who can look deep into themselves and make decisions that are truly theirs are rare.
thank you so much for your replies and your time. they've all helped a lot.
it is easy to give yourself to someone, it's even easier when love is involved. but despite my wanting to deepen our relationship by sharing that with him, i'm not ready, or else i wouldn't be thinking what i have been. i haven't really talked to him about this, because i felt kind of bad about it, but i know he'll understand.
Wally is so good at saying what needs to be said. Know yourself first. Only then can you give your guy what he really needs and in doing that you have also found the way to lose yourselfs to each other and yet stay individual as well.
The mind and heart endure. The body is fickle but will endure if the mind and heart direct it so. Part of the journey of relationships is the finding and respecting the independence of each other in a dependent manner. Covey, in his book about successful people, calls this interdependence. It then makes the physical aspect of the relationship all the more pleasureable when it happens.
If I'm following this, the question that seems to be causing the most agony at the moment is whether or not to remain a "pure" virgin in the face of your deep feelings for your bf.
It's only natural to want to share... to deepen the relationship to include physical intimacy.
But there's much more involved than desire, really. As others have suggested, the sex decision is about much more than religion or values. There are a host of practical issues as well.
We sometimes forget that there is nothing wrong with saving a part of ourselves for "later." We also, I think, sometimes fail to realize that being an individual makes us a better partner. It's too easy to lose our identity to a partner... it feels all romantic and warm, but then discover we have nothing left of ourselves.
That probably seems a bit off track, but maybe not. As you seem to be doing, you need to consider who you are and who you want to be. I would suggest the questions lie in that topic, not the "virgin or not" decision.
Remember also that giving your body to someone is relatively easy. Giving your heart and mind is tough and while sex may seem very important, it is not what matters the most and it is not what mature guys seeking a long term relationship put at the top of their list.
I'll put in my two cents...
I think as long as you aren't hurting anyone (including yourself), you should be free to experiment as you like. This means being responsible. It means not only making sure you are taking [all] the precautions to prevent an unwanted child or spreading an STD, but also taking emotions into account. As long as you are open and honest (and safe...lol), have fun!
[QUOTE=Quote (Admiral_Ace @ Feb. 03 2005,08:12)]....... it just happened. And the funny thing is, it just felt natural and right. I'd never felt so close to her before, a feeling like I've never thought possible. We've come to realize how beautiful and wonderful our relationship really is through the many things we've experienced, .......
....Of course, our relationship might be different from yours, and I would never tell you just to have sex because you can and you want to. When the moment is right, it will happen, and believe me when I tell you that if its with someone you truly love and care for, it won't be the clumsy, uncomfortable experience that I've heard about from many of our friends, but an moment you will remember and cherish for the rest of your life. Just my 2 cents.[/QUOTE]
whichever religion no religion - IM JUMPING FOR FREAKIN JOY that for whatever thought process they have - and yes going against all tides of popular opinion saying no way possible - but yes indeed by gosh i see there are at least two people of younger generations - that have not adopted the new age, new sets of standards where it is now totally acceptable for a blowjob to replace th now long outdated fddyduddy olden days handshake as a way to meet a potential partner. ....
while only officially been married shy 3 monhs, my hubby and i have unofficially been married a total 23 years.... 23 years!!!!! the longevity of which we only know 2 (count TWO) other couples still together 23 years - in we are 3rd in this list, one of the couples been 30 years and other 24 years...... 4th in relationship longevity line right behind us is hmmmmm im givin this the long shot and saying our old neighbors across the street will be 6 years this July......
finewine - ill be hopping for joy if im still breathing at age 82 and ill even give the sack a hop for mate cuz damn right im hoping like hell at age 91 he will breathing right here next to me .... but guess no doubt (although no doubt slower we will celebrate our 60 anniversary humping each other just like jackrabbits we are today...
We are all thinkers when faced with uncertainty. If this is an important issue to you (as it appears to be) then you are right to think.
Sex can be a wonderful experience when you are ready for it. But if you aren't, then you aren't. Only you can decide this , I guess.
Re the referances to religion and what it approves of, christianity has altered its views on this over a period of time. There have been been times when sex was more acceptable and also times when self restraint and even beating oneself with sticks has been encouraged. I read somewhere that the protestant work ethic and the onset of the industrial revolution caused findemental changes in how the fun parts of life were viewed.
Hoever, the most important thing to remember is that I must stop reading boring books and read more postings instead, lol.
it's not that it's not desired, i would love to share that with my boyfriend. but i guess it's just that i won't be "pure" anymore. though all my past relationships, if you want to call them that, that's the only thing they wanted, my virgity, and that's what i've held on to. i guess i've made being a virgin part of who i am, and i've grown to respect my virginity, if that makes sense. also, this may be where the "dumb virgin" comes into play, but i would be perfectly happy with just one partner, and that being my boyfriend. we've been through so much and i can't even begin to explain what he means to me or the bond and relationship that we have with each other. but i look around, and try to find how many couples are our age. (i'm 18, he's 17) and there isn't many to be found. although i don't like to compare our relationship to others, sometimes i can't help it. and i know that just because there aren't many, doesn't mean that it can't happen, but it's nice to have some reassurance. ohh, one more thing. this is the first time that i've ever considered giving any part of myself to anyone. so that is somewhere there in the mix.
maybe i just think too much and don't live enough in the now.
Great posts.
I have a question maybe it should be posted as another topic.
but I ask it for Kythulhu
Why is it thought that being a virgin is something not desired?
Soulmates I hope that when I am married for 60 years I will still be hopping in the sack. It will just take longer.
thank you for your replies.
i was thinking at work, (sometimes, i think i do too much of this) and i think i figured out another reason why this is all hitting me now. although i haven't actually done anything, i've talked with my boyfriend about things i want and would do, and i realized, i'm not "pure" anymore. before i was with him, the most i had ever done with a guy is kiss. and i guess not doing anything more than that and being 18 is kind of a big thing to me, especially at my school where we had the 3rd highest pregnancy rate in the nation... or state; i've heard both. i don't know, perhaps it's just i need someone to talk to about this, to get different views from? i'm not sure.
then again, i begin to wonder if i'm just being a "dumb virgin" for all of these feelings. i've never heard anyone else talking about this or anything. maybe i'm just worrying too much and thinking about how things will end up. i've always thought ahead, like what would happen if i were to do this or that. there's too much for me to write down, so i think i'll just end here and not bore ya'll with my thoughts.
anyway, thanks again for the replies.
That was a great post Wally.
I do find it sad that religion especially among the Christian sect want to stifle ones natural (yes God given) desires for sex. Its how we are made to be. That don't mean we have to go against our values but we do need to learn balance.
I was fortunate to have not only a very devout Christian mother but also a mom that understood human sexuality and encouraged her daughters to know their bodies and never tell us it was shameful or wrong to explore ourselves.
Ok, kythulhu, I can most definately relate with your current situation. When my girlfriend and started dating, I never would have guessed where things would have gone. We are both Catholic, hadn't been in any really serious relationship before (I'd never had a relationship before), and both were adament about how sex was something to wait for marriage and all of that. Things, however, have a way of changing. We did nothing but kiss (no feeling, no tongue, nothing) for over six months of our relationship. But, like you, we started to get quite strong feelings, not only of love but having physical and sexual desires. Even when we started fooling around I didn't think it would ever lead to us having sex before we got married. Again things changed, and one day when we were both home from school it just happened. And the funny thing is, it just felt natural and right. I'd never felt so close to her before, a feeling like I've never thought possible. We've come to realize how beautiful and wonderful our relationship really is through the many things we've experienced, and all of it given to us by God. Of course, our relationship might be different from yours, and I would never tell you just to have sex because you can and you want to. When the moment is right, it will happen, and believe me when I tell you that if its with someone you truly love and care for, it won't be the clumsy, uncomfortable experience that I've heard about from many of our friends, but an moment you will remember and cherish for the rest of your life. Just my 2 cents.
I'm hesitant to jump into the religious aspect, because I have no desire to debate or argue. But I'm entitled to my biases.
I hear the inner conflict. I felt much of the same (not just about sex) when I was immersed in the conservative environment lo so many years ago.
Ultimately, you get to resolve this by your choices and decisions. Some people will choose to believe that touching yourself is bad. They have the right to make that choice. You have the right to make a different choice. There is no debate; it's individual choice.
One of my complaints with "religion" is that it often seems to have this underlying theme that pleasure is bad and suffering is good. When you start with that premise, everything else starts to fall into place and no thinking is required or allowed. "Don't think that, it'll make you feel good and that's bad. Don't touch there, it'll make you feel good and that's bad."
Conversely, I'm not suggesting that you abandon your values and start having indiscriminate sex. On the contrary, I think a person whose value system has been somewhat conservative should make sexual decisions very slowly and deliberately.
The point is the feelings are not wrong . They can be wonderful! Some might even argue that they are "God Given." The actions you take are decisions you make. You might, for example, conclude that it would be "wrong" to have sex before marriage. Just don't get confused in the process and think the sexual thoughts and feelings you are having before marriage are some how wrong as well. I sometimes suspect that is the leading cause of sexual dysfunction!
You are thinking. That's good.
You are feeling. That's also good.
When you get the thoughts and the feelings working in concert you'll feel complete.
emotions and hormones and lust nd desire and temptation and illictness and .... yep - confusing as heck aint it? who to talk to, listen to, is there a right or wrong.......
all a right of passage so to say and while been ages since ive been there, ive been there, hubby has been there, friends, moms, grandmoms.....
i cant preach to yu or tell yu dont do this or that..... i can only offer my thoughts and im not judging or praising .... im not saying sex is not a fantastic experience, feels oh my my soo good,...... i can speak my past and several times i had sex rate amoung the most awful moments in my life, NOT good experiences at all.....
i understand cuz i was hot and horney and just dying to be in a relationship and have a guy and be "a grown up"..... having sex is not some mysterious thrill gotta have sex .....
the BEST and i do mean BEST intimacy of any kind, type, shape, form, ..... only happens between 2 partners who first get to know each other as a person, respect that person, trust that person, enjoy being with, talking to, doing things with and for and care for feelings and develop mutual interests with and share secrets and dreams, and pasts and laygh and cry and support and tell em they are wrong ad right and help them grow and learn and.....
sex as in the penis into vagina, mouth on penis, mouth on vagina., strap on, ... up until i did indeed find my soulmate - if i could do it over anyway, id rather die a virgin than to have had the experience of having had sex.
when youve met THE person - walk down that issle in true virgin white and THAT relationship and THAT sexual intimacy will mean WHAT it is intended.
60 years into marriage and both old and arthritis set in and .... jumping into the sack to screw gonna be bout last thing gonna happen .... best part tho is you 2 will have years of memories to talk over and jokes to share and freams to dream and plans to make and its a relationship will last till death you do part...
Well!
It's been a long time since I was at your stage, but trust me, there are plenty of people right there with you.
You have some great exploration awaiting you and plenty of time to do it in. No need to rush, just be comfy with what you are doing.
By the way... the good thing about being brought up to not do this kinda thing is... that it is so much more fun when it's not allowed!!!
I am sure some of the ladies will give you more meaningful support (what does a guy know!).
Good luck