Men and women, boys and girls, of all ages can have difficulty with self confidence and a lack thereof. A lack of confidence can manifest itself in several ways, for example:
* Difficulty engaging in a conversation one-on-one
* Inability to speak in public before a group or large audience
* Difficulty speaking up for oneself
* Hesitancy with others in maintaining boundaries
* Difficulty or inability to try new and unfamiliar activities
+ a fear of failure
* Fear of rejection
Self confidence comes from having accumulated several small successes. Added up, these successes can really work to bolster a person's sense of self, self worth, and, confidence.
Act your way to success. Just like an actor or actress in a movie or play, act the part of the person you wish to be. Doing this enough you should find that your actions will become second nature and a part of you.
Do not be afraid of failure. Learning something new means you may not always succeed. Don't be critical of yourself. If the failure happens in front of someone, apologize if necessary, and let it be known you are learning.
"Damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead!" As I tell my dance students, do not go to a dance to dance because for a guy with a fragile male ego, it means he has to "perform"; rather than, going to a dance to practice. Practicing means we are free to make mistakes, then pick ourselves up and continue on all the while learning and becoming better. There is no pressure to "perform" flawlessly. The same holds true for developing self confidence. Next, if you feel good about yourself and who you are, then let this show through for others to see. If you are shy, fix this aspect of your personality, first, using the same technique.
It's about attitude, also. Believe that you can, not that you can't.
The idea behind "acting" your way to success and developing confidence is to change your behavior by doing small acts and then relishing in their successful completion. Your tasks can be anything as noted, above. One additional purpose is to bring a smile to your face with each success.
A word of warning, however; do not adopt a cocky attitude or an arrogant attitude in the process. Doing so will remove any hint of success in the eyes of others.
A confident person is one who in part stands tall and straight having good posture, makes eye contact with others, smiles, asks questions in order to learn, does not monopolize a conversation, listens well making mental notes of what is said, and, periodically uses people's names in a conversation with them, having a masterful handshake (guys: no hurtful squeezing!). Thank people for compliments received. Give compliments when deserved.
Do you really lack confidence? You might ask others what they see in you. While you may not feel very confident, this does not mean other people see you as you do. Ask people for their feedback on how they perceive you then use this information to develop your personality. It may just be that you will only have to change minor aspects instead of making a major overhaul. Either way, acting your way to success is one way to begin.
When talking to women, one great approach is to ask an opening question and then listen. Many women are chatty creatures by nature, so you can often carry on a conversation by simply asking a leading question and sitting back and listening. Next, by interjecting a comment or question, the conversation is revitalized and will most likely continue--all with little effort on your part.
When the time comes to talk about yourself, do not tell all, all at once. Pay the information out over time. Save some information for later, or, over another date or two. (Keep the person wanting more....)
If a person rudely interrupts a conversation or a gathering or comes between you and another person, quietly and politely inform the individual that this is either a private conversation or meeting, and now is not an appropriate time for his/her involvement. If, on the other hand, you need or want to talk to someone who is occupied, wait for a pause and quickly excuse yourself then quickly ask if you can talk to the person, later, when s/he is not busy.
Gaining confidence takes time, so do not be in a rush. Enjoy the journey as you undertake new tasks or activities and solidify familiar ones. Package all these things together under your cap and before too long you should have a "feather in your cap".
Sounds like you suff with "social Anxiety" like a majority of females suffer with . I have suffered with this all my life now 25 in a fantastic relationship (getting married too) Basically its your mind playing tricks on you telling you one thing and meaning the other but to help you concord this issue when some says "that's a nice shirt or i like you in pink simple say "Thank you." You don't have to accept what they say but at least acknowledge their compliment because it hurts peoples feelings when they take the time to say something about someone and the person be little them by saying yeah what ever etc. Don't worry in time you'll learn to accept your feelings and forget!
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Wish you and your partner all the very best Aaron. Thanks for your input.
I've had a lot of issues with self confidence for almost all of my life.I was bullied and abused by other kids at school,then sexually abused by a relative,pushed around by dominating boyfriends,and yes even my husband abused me in various ways during our marriage.I am trying to change for the better,so that i can be more assertive(in a good way)and also help me to be able to develop and maintain relationships with others on various levels.But it is so hard to break old habits with a track record like mine.Any advice would be most appreciated!
I am confident because of all that I am - all of it - the good, the bad and the ugly.
That's the point: ACCEPT YOURSELF TOTALLY.
There isn't, there never has been, there never will be another person on this planet exactly like you - EVER.
No, you may not 'feel special', you may not be 'special' - but you are YOU and in that uniqueness lies your GLORY.
Learning to walk - you fell down alot. Learning to ride a bike - you fell over alot. Speaking up in public - you made a total ass out of yourself. Your book was rejected by 36 publishers. You lost that job. That husband/wife/lover wasn't the best choice. Hell has broken loose and ruin lies all around you.
But you still live. You still breathe. The sun still shines upon you.
You are tougher than you thought.
So be confident. While you live, you are triumphant.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;260356]...you still live. You still breathe. The sun still shines upon you.
You are tougher than you thought.
So be confident. While you live, you are triumphant.[/QUOTE]
You've lived through things you'd never wish on your enemies, let alone anyone you actually care about. And you're here to talk about it.
There's more to you that is valuable than you realize. You are worthy of having better than you think.
You just need to believe it yourself.
Thanks EEK and int1103,i guess i always thought that i didn't deserve anything good in my life,and was always destined to be treated like doggy do on the bottom of someones shoe.But lately i've realised that life is what i make of it,and it can be better if i really want it to be.I've finally been able to stand up to my husband and tell him that he doesn't own me and that i want a divorce as i've met someone else i want to be with.Also i never felt attractive or sexy enough for men to want me ,but since going on this site i have had men falling all over themselves to get to know me,and they've all been heaps younger than me bar one.I've made a few close friendships and a potential relationship with a man 20yrs my junior.I certainly never expected for anything like this to happen to lil ol me.:p;):):rolleyes:
I completely agree with EEK here, you really do have to accept yourself totally.
This isn't just about confidence hence being successful with men or women, this is about being successful with life. It ties in a lot with some other posts I have read by EEK, the Doc and others with regards to responsibility for your own sexual pleasure lying with yourself.
I guess one way to look at it is this, if you aren't passionate and completely accepting/loving of yourself then why should anyone else even consider being interested in or caring about you?
This applies when you are looking for a job, whatever you are doing. I think the way to avoid falling into the trap of being cocky and arrogant is to be genuinely enthusiastic about yourself and what you do. But don't let that turn into you being completely vain and unwilling to find out about another person. It is, as with pretty much everything, a question of finding the balance.
I completely accept myself and to be honest, my life is absolutely fantastic. Not because of what goes on in the world, after all I could say how work can get really stressful and I am being worked to the bone, or I am incredibly lonely, or any other negative which sure if I wasn't so self accepting would completely consume me. So even when I am thinking of the bad bits I still have a genuine feeling of happiness and a smile on my face, not because I enjoy misery, but because I am happy and comfortable with me. Accepting yourself means that you always have someone that understands you. You always have something you are proud of and genuinely excited about. And when times get rough, this can help pull you through, more often than not leaving you emerging with a smile on your face.
I would be willing to say that self acceptance and self appreciation is about 90% of the battle to being a more confident person.
Just to go from what RG said, that "...life is what I make it." This is so true! You'll hear people saying "hey thats life deal with it" and "life isn't fair" or "life is never how you want it" my answer to any person saying this is simple. You live in this world, and life is exactly how you make it, because at the end of the day, you are alive and a part of life.
So how YOU act is how life really is, not how you see everyone else acting. I think Michael Jackson sang a song about this and a man in a mirror! In other words, screw everyone else, be a little bit selfish, otherwise a person may as well get mug written on their foreheads.
It always surprises me how many people think that doing things for themselves is bad, it's not. It leaves you happy, and happiness can spread. So for the sake of leaving everyone else with a smile on their face, be smug, be content, walk with an air of yeah I am good and I know it, and most importantly, don't lie about it, genuinely feel and be it. Don't hide your glorious self. Whatever and whoever you are, stand tall, strong and proud.
Many women are chatty creatures by nature, so you can often carry on a conversation by simply asking a leading question and sitting back and listening.It is, as with pretty much everything, a question of finding the balance.
Im not the most confident person out there, but i have made up for it by being brave. You may not be confident that you will be able to carry on a good conversation with Ms. Hotbuns, but you can just go in and do your best. Might just be because im kind of a nutcase, but it works for me. (i tried to put my thoughts in an understandable way,b ut i doubt i did)
Of course life isn't fair which is why we, as people, have to play fair with the understanding that 1. there but for the grace of God go I and 2. I'm not perfect either. Just because life isn't fair doesn't exonerate us from behaving fairly.
Not everyone is going to like us. Shrug. Not all of our dreams will come true. Okay. But based upon the choices you make, your life will become the life you will have chosen to have. The past is prelude to the future.
All anyone can ask is that you put your back into it and build your life as you want it - doing the best you can with what you've got.
For all of you gentlemen out there who desire to be irresistable to the ladies, I recommend you read The Moving Toyshop by Edmund Crispin, paying particular attention to the character, Mr. Hoskins.
3 out of 3 gentlemen who have tried his methods report that they work very well, indeed.
I wasn't confident about a year ago.
Getting confidence differs for everyone though, as with me, I got a job that dealt with face to face public. My lack of confidence grew and grew into more confidence. Thats not to say anyone can just gain confidence this way though.
I'm not that confident in bed though, but I can talk to people fairly easy.
I know what i like though and I'm proud to say that I can satisfy my partner, but i don't suggest new things into this. Though were not that old and were not bored at all of each other x3.
this helped me out doc thanks i just lost my gf yesterday because of a missunderstanding and what little self confidence i had was taken away when i lost her today i feel worthless and depressed idk what to do next weather to try and get her back or to let her go and move on im open to any suggestions cuz im really lost right now for those who read this and consider me pathetic its cool i just miss my girl and i know everyone has lost someone they cared about so i wont judge
Time to move on, emo.
My boyfriend and i are having issues in our relationship because he has lack of confidence. and the fear of loseing me but the more he acts on those feelings the more controling he gets and possesive. as in he needs to know where i am at all times. its pushing us apart and i dont know how to help him get some confidence so he does not need to feel like he needs to control/possese me.
any advice?
Excuse me but you, College Sweetie are making a HUGE error here in trying to help him. This is the type of male who ends up abusing his partner and engaging in domestic violence.
Read the sticky post on the Red Flags: http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/dating-new-relationships/27910-warning-s...
This is one relationship you MUST walk away from. Do it now.
confidence is all about being able to relate with others without compromise your true nature. Part of it is born with us but part of it is a life skill that must be learnt ,at times through errors.
The trick is not to beat yourself all the time for the past mistakes. learn from them and embrace them as part of life or growing up.
in relationships be it social or intimate this means knowing what you are worth and communicating your values,ideas and thoughts without any fear of any kind....rejection is part of life and it only means someone has a different view point from yours not necessarilty a reflection of your inferiority.
Self knowledge and having a good socially acceptable trend of behaviour is a reflection of self confidence. Behind closed doors or sexually it means being in love with your body and accepting it as it is when you know you have done your best to look as attractive as you can be for your own goodness and adoration of your partner or partners...but comdomize!
Suggest a different sexual position or experiment or adventure without imposing it on your partner.let go of the fear of rejection or thinking of the negative impact it might have on the relationship. the bottom line is be free and let go of your fears and cease the moments or let your juices flow!
Please remember that YOUR self-confidence, YOUR ego, is YOUR problem to solve. You cannot expect other people to do the work of acquiring self-confidence for you. It requires courage and persipicacity both of which you acquire while doing the work of building self-confidence - the one leading to the others.
1. talk to people, just ask an open-ended question and listen to the answer
2. realise that most people do not bite
3. whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger
4. get into the habit of making wise descisions by considering consequences
5. keep a firm grip upon your emotions
Just because you're shy, timid or just because you get angry, feel slighted, whatever - is NOT enough to excuse being stupid. Crying on his/her shoulder or yelling back at perceived slights is not going to get you where you want to be. You have to gain the perspective that comes with a thick skin.
Just like riding a bike - you skin your knees a lot in the beginning but after that - its all good.
Hi..
I am completely agree with you. Self-Confidence is a mental and emotional state of mind that responds to an individual's need for self-acceptance and recognition. It is among the oldest and most discussed concepts in psychology. It describes a positive but nonetheless adequate perception of oneself and one's abilities. As such, people with self confidence most often have a better idea of the things they are able to achieve and are more apt to succeed in what they attempt. They are also more likely to admit and learn from their errors.
By contrast, a lack of confidence may prevent you from trusting that what you do and decide will eventually work out the way you had intended. It can thus impede the improvement of decision-making aptitudes, strategic and managerial abilities all of which are basic and indispensable skills in the business world of today. The pre-occupation with other people's judgment of your work might also make you become excessively self-critical, which is something that will distract you from tasks you would have otherwise been perfectly capable of doing.
Low self confidence will also have an impact your social life, because people with a low level of self confidence tend to stay in their "comfort zone" and are afraid of being rejected. This is called social phobia and is commonly associated with low self confidence, but also other mental conditions such as depression. People with low self confidence are scared of the judgment of others and will avoid meeting new people, which can in turn lead to isolation and even less self confidence. Low self confidence is a vicious cycle that's difficult to break.
On the other hand, because they have faith in their own abilities, people with self confidence are able to do what they feel is appropriate and don't expect the approval of their peers. They are also able to trigger confidence: your relatives, friends, boss, customers or employees are more likely to trust you or the things you are saying when you appear self-confident.
Various experiences can contribute to low self confidence. Recent research proves that parenting style has a critical effect on the development of a child's self confidence. Physical and emotional abuses during childhood are for example the worse for somebody's self confidence, along with divorce and family conflicts. Overprotective parents may also be a reason for a child's social phobia and discourage the independence necessary to develop self confidence. Successes and failures, for example at school or in one's professional life, also play a major role: losing a job or failing a class are some of the different experiences that will have a negative impact your self confidence.
There are however methods to overcome those bad experiences and acquire self confidence. The first step to develop self confidence is to learn to know yourself and what your strengths are. Acknowledging the fact that you cannot be perfect and cannot be the best in everything you do will help you build self confidence. Accepting who you are is the key to building self confidence. But improving self confidence also requires that you start taking risks and giving yourself credit for your accomplishments. This is very basic advice which will help you build self confidence. You may also find a lot of books which will tell you how to gain self confidence, however many of them are not reliable.
Many people suffer from low self confidence or are only able to gain self confidence in one or a certain number of areas of their lives because they constantly try to get other people's approval and are scared that they could fail. A lot of factors, such as childhood traumas, can explain why certain people are not able to have the wholesome life of a self confident individual. Those people also do not always know how to gain self confidence. But improving self confidence can now easily and effectively be done with hypnosis and NLP.
As we have seen before social phobia and low self confidence can stem from bad experiences or unconscious fears that are sometimes difficult to overcome with self persuasion only. Confidence hypnosis and NLP on the contrary are able to get to the unconscious part of our brain and change belief systems to boost self confidence. They are powerful tools that will help you face your fears and believe in yourself to develop self confidence.
Self Hypnosis for building self-confidence has been used for decades and has shown significant results in building self confidence. Once in a hypnotic state, accessing unconscious thoughts is a lot easier and, thanks to hypnotic suggestion, it is possible to replace your negative thought patterns with positive ones to boost self confidence.
Thanks & Regards
Ramon Decastro
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