Hi. I usually post my relationship stuff to a different forum but their sex advice section is pretty inactive, so I figured I'd try here. Some quick background information before I begin: I've been going out with my girlfriend for close to two years; I'm 22 and she's 21; and we were (are?) both virgins (in fact, neither of us had really had a gf/bf before each other.) The relationship's mostly going pretty well, and we really love each other, but there's a few nagging sex issues that I'd like to get resolved. So, in roughly priority order:
1) This last weekend, we decided we were ready to have sex. Problem is, I just couldn't get penetration to work. Missionary position had us at a really awkward angle (plus I couldn't see what I was doing) and putting a pillow under her to correct for the angle revealed that she can't get her legs far enough apart to allow a direct approach comfortably. Anyone know of any techniques/positions that could help with this? I'd really like to be able to get this to work.
2) Physical contact is generally pretty one-sided. I'm always giving her back rubs, I'm running my hands all over her body when we make out, I finger her, I've done oral on her - and she hardly ever does any of that to me. This might just be partly because I tend to express my affection largely physically (not necessarily sexually - see back rubs, or just cuddling) but when I tell her that I'd like to be on the receiving end on occasion, she says that she'll "work on" doing it more often, and then very little if anything changes. She's very reluctant to touch my penis, even with her hands (when questioned on this, she's said she "doesn't know why" she's averse to it) and she's more or less flat out said she's never going to give me a blow job, citing disgust at the idea of having someone come in her mouth (my reassurances that I'd be able to warn her when I was getting close and pull out had no effect.) Is there any way I can get her to be more open about this stuff without resorting to nagging?
3) Every new kind of sexual contact for her feels "really weird" to her (apparently in an unpleasant sort of way because she often says this as a way of asking me to stop) for a while after I've started doing it. Fingering felt weird. (She's gotten used to this one at least.) Oral felt weird. Our attempts at penetration, you guessed it, felt weird. I've found her opening with my finger and attempted to push that inside it and she tenses up (this might be related to my first question) and if I persist, she tells me to stop because it feels weird. Has anyone else encountered something like this, and how can I do a better job of easing her into things?
umm ..... only tin gi can think of is that you're dating a purde and you need to get used to it lol
blunt but .... doesn't sound like she's gonna be changing anytime soon
Define "prude." She certainly enjoys the stuff we already do - I can give her orgasms with my hands on a regular basis - but she's just not as sexually adventurous as I am. I'm okay with that as long as she's willing to do new stuff eventually.
It sounds like she can't relax. I don't know if there's a religious or moral thing holding her up, but the best thing you can do (and I'm sorry to say this) is wait and let her learn to relax. She may want to have sex but feel uncomfortable discussing it or even thinking about actually doing this...and that transfers over into your sessions.
As for the her not touching you thing, it sounds like pretty much the same problem - or she's just (sadly) one of those straight girls who still finds guys kinda icky.
It sounds like you two need to talk and see if she can tell you what's really on her mind, because from over here it sounds like perhaps she wants these things because she knows you want them, and not for their own sake (hence her hesitation). If she's doing things just to please you, that's not healthy sexually or emotionally.
Good luck!
She isn't particularly religious, and I rather doubt at any kind of moral issues either. The only thing I can see as making her hesitant about sex is the possibility of pregnancy (we're both mildly paranoid about the failure rates on birth control, even though I use condoms even when we aren't attempting penetration.) I've wondered about the "because I want it" thing myself, and perhaps there might be a bit of that, but then again, at some point last weekend while we were making out (and here I should mention that we've been long-distance for a while now and this was the first time we'd been able to see each other in three months) she told me "I've missed this." Not "you," like she'd already said several times, but what we were doing. So the desire is there to some extent.
I find the part about not being able to spread her legs far enough to extremely telling. She either has a serious hip dysplasia or she does not want to be engaging in sex. While other parts of her may involunatarily (in rare cases) stop penetration, not being able to spread adequately is under her control totally. The tensing up at finger penetration may or may not be under her control.
Placing this in the context of the rest of your post, she is at least very shy about touching your body or not yet ready. Perhaps she should have a complete gyn exam and then, see a therapist who works on these things. One-sided loving can become boring over time. You two need to each make some serious decisions - with help.
Also, see my response in unable to have sex, same forum.
What Brandye said AND you two need to sit down and seriously talk about sex. It sounds like she is NOT ready - not really. After all of that if she still doesn't step-up then it is time for you to move on. Yes, I know you don't want to 'push her' but life remains short and at that point, she will have made a concious decision to NOT accept sexuality.
[QUOTE=Brandye;165190]She either has a serious hip dysplasia or she does not want to be engaging in sex.[/QUOTE]
Actually, she did break her hip when she was a kid, for what that's worth.
I guess it's possible that maybe she wasn't ready. It's just hard to tell though, because she initiates nothing. Deciding to have sex this time was basically, Me: "Let's do it," and Her: "Okay by me." I know she enjoys and is ready for at least some baseline of what we've already been doing. Anyway, the next time I'll actually be able to sit down and talk to her about this is in a couple of weeks. (It's the distance thing again - it's making this whole thing ten times harder.)
It does sound like she is not ready for it. It sounds like she is a bit afraid of it, actually. Maybe you should just kiss and cuddle a lot without asking her for sex. Maybe then she will get aroused, which will lead to foreplay, and then sex will just occur naturally. Its all a bit of a 'maybe' though.
sounds like one of my old relationships. if she doesnt invest the same amount of effort that you do then forget about her. i always gave my first girl everything and recieved nothing and it sounds like your girlfriend should either put more effort forth or you need to find a new girl
but about your problem, she may need to strech herself before you try it again. also is she wet enough?
I rather doubt that she's got something like that in her past, considering that:
(a) I'd expect she'd have told me about something like that by now - either she's not one to hide stuff like that from me or she's so good at it that I can't tell, but I suspect the former;
(b) we have a mutual friend who had been sexually assaulted some time ago, and while I know better than to think that such an event has the same effect on everyone, my girlfriend shows none of the same signs of such a thing having happened - more to the point,
(c) she's perfectly happy with (and in fact seems to prefer) a certain level of intimacy. See my comment on the first page about her having said "I missed this" at one point. Unless she's got serious abandonment issues and feels that going along with it is necessary to keep me from dumping her (again, I'm not seeing it) she actually wants it too.
In any case, either she was only not ready subconsciously, or for some reason she didn't want to turn me down. Probably, there's bits of both, since by what would have otherwise been our third attempt, she asked that we not try again just then. So clearly, the thing to talk with her about is acknowledging that she probably wasn't ready, and starting to figure out what would get her ready, be it time or whatever else, and then figure out the rest from there.
I must say, though, I'm a bit amazed at how quick you all are to suggest leaving her over this. I realize, reluctantly, that it might end up coming down to that, but I can't throw this away that easily.
Despite you saying that you are both in love, it unfortunately sounds like she is far from comfortable, and hence ready, for sex. Sitting down and talking to her I think would definately prove more effective than nagging her or forcing anything on her. Explain to her how it feels for you to be with someone so unaffectionate, and lay it out straight for her- that you want something to change. The distance sure complicates things, though...
Pardon me, but as everyone is saying it really does sound like she is reluctant to. You may have to enquire her about her past... I had a girlfriend once who refused to become intimate in anyway with me at all. After we went our separate ways found out that she had infact been raped earlier in her life.
Not that Im saying it is that, that is merely one possibility. Talk to her is the simple answer. And if either of you have trouble talking about sex then you need to do some more thinking and talking about it.
I wasn't saying you should leave her. I was just suggesting taking things slow and easy.
Indeed cycle freak, none of us told you to leave her, Infact none of us are telling you anything, In the end it doesnt pay to be arbitrary with anyone.
As a generalisation most of us are suggesting you communicate one of the most important things. And more than just a 'not now'.
dont ask ppl for input and shut it down cuz you dont like it
you can't solve anything until you've at least exhuasted your options
otherwise - you're in denial
What part of "I realize that it might come down to that" didn't you understand?
And yeah, I stand corrected. Not all of you were suggesting that.