[stallion51]

Sorry if this ends up long. I am sitting here in tears because I am so confussed.

I married my husband 10 years ago, I have always been very clear on my view on anal, I think it is gross, my ass is an exit only. I have refused anal exams by doctors because I am so firm on my thoughts. At first he told me that he agreed with me, it was not something he wanted and we would never do it. A few years ago it came out that he wanted to try it. I was physically sick. Fast forward to 2 years ago, I sent him the sex shop to suprise me, he came back with an anal toys, anal beads and anal ease. I was so mad I was shaking. The fight went on and I finally told him just to do it, I was so angry at the time and wasn't thinking straight, so he pulls down his pants (he was already hard just thinking about it) so we did it. I cried for hours, I was shaking and honestly hated it. I went into a depression, starting cutting myself and wanted to kill myself. It took me a few months to get through it, but because I felt bad I let him continue to gently play in the anal area without entering. Then about a year later the talk continued, he wanted to try it again. So I let him use a toy, I was again shaking the whole time and felt so sick for a few days. We then came to the agreement that it would end, it would never be brought up again.

It never completly went away, the other day I wanted to try something new and he was resistant so I told him that he could do anal play. So that night he did and he inserted his finger, which tore me alittle. I wasn't mad at him cause I told him it was ok. I was mad at myself for telling him that it was ok to do it.

I want to be able to do anal for him, I am confused on it though. When we were talking about it last night I started to feel sick and shake. I just don't know how to get passed that. I want to be able to do it for him. He says we can just drop it and never do it again, but I know he still wants it. I will always wonder if during sex he is thinking about my ass. I tried do anal myself and it hurt so bad that I just ended up getting mad. I just don't know what to do. Do I keep trying it myself until it stops hurting? Do I drop it but still wonder when he is thinking about it? I need help.