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You have to understand that sexual abuse is NOT about sex but IS about power over another. Your abuser, damn him/her to Hell, has a problem AND you have made it your problem and are punishing your husband and yourself for your abuser's crime by accepting your abuser's issue with sex and making it your issue about sex. Your abuse was NOT YOUR fault. A counselor can help you. Please get one.
Sweetheart, your have been robbed of the sexuality that is your birthright.
It is time to reclaim what is rightfully yours - a sex life with your husband that is a glorious conflagration of your two souls reaffirming life itself.
I am not going to say it will be easy. But you can ovecome and win back what is yours.
Baby Steps I recommend:
1. With all of the lights ON in your bedroom, both you and your husband get undress and just stand there without speaking facing each other. When you are ready, look at him. Having looked, reach out a hand to him. Hold hands. When YOU are ready, walk into his arms and have him just gently hold you. Cry if you wish. When you are ready, put your arms around him and hold him.
The point of this exercise is Acceptance. As you are, as he is, without artifice, lingerie, excuses, pretences, without anything but reality - ACCEPT yourself.
This is important because whatever you think of yourself, forget whatever you think of yourself, HE thinks you are the MOST beautiful, the most wonderful woman in the world - that has EVER lived. REJOICE in his opinion. SHARE IT. Make HIS opinion of you yours.
2. Bodyworship - there's a sticky post about it. I recommend you two take turns exploring each other. Take your time. Go slowly. There's no rush and no rules here - you can go, and let him go, as far as you feel comfortable going. Just gradually try going a bit further in your explorations each time. With the lights at half-strength.
This is also about Acceptance but this time it is sexual in its intent. This is skin-on-skin full body contact. Find out if you do enjoy having your ankles lightly licked. Learning to enjoy the feeling of his hands, lips, body against yours in a primal way. Learning to enjoy having him beneath your lips, hands, and body - enjoying the pleasures of touch, taste, and smell of your beloved.
That is enough for you to be working on for now.
Please feel free to come back and talk with us some more.
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