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bWg,
First know that what is affecting you affects others as well. We've all experienced "performance anxiety" which has sidelined us for day, weeks, or even months depending on the incident. So in that respect there is nothing unusual about you.
I do or have done a couple of things to help me through those times. One is try using humor. I have this line I told my wife when I met her and I've used it on others in the past. I would tell them "you can point and you can laugh, but you can't point and laugh." That usually breaks the ice the first time. It lets your partner know that you're okay with your body or size. And it relaxes them as well.
Try just relaxing and not being so serious and stop worrying about getting into "the zone". That stuff works in sports and in combat but not so much in the bedroom. Women aren't much interested in a point system. In my line of work (and you may guess by my nickname) I don't joke around much. I am a completely different person when I'm away from work. And sure there are times when personal issues like finances or the kids may challenge your behavior, but when the wife and I have our time, it's our time. I block the other stuff out and focus on her. I don't force anything. If I'm unable to get an erection because of mental challenges, I simply tell her tonight it's about her. You'd be surprised at how many women would rather you tell them what's going on with you and cuddle with them rather than you try to prove your manhood to them.
Another things is foreplay. Most guys think that this begins when we first turn the lights off. It should begin when you wake up in the morning and continue throughout the day. Try this, next time a particular event is bothering you, take a moment and text your mate with something like "been thinking about you. Can't wait to hold you later." Chances are you will receive a reply that will take your mind off of your dilemma. My wife and I still hold hands walking in the store. I'll playfully grab her butt on occasion when we're in public. Sometimes we will play with each other while watching television - obviously when the kids are away - and we kiss often.
One last thing I would offer you is hypnosis. Now you have to understand how it works and believe that it will help you. No you won't do weird stuff you don't want to do. But if done properly it will calm your mind, help you get some perspective on things, and can relax your entire body. I use hypnosis and brain entrainment pretty extensively for studying, memory enhancement, relaxation, exercise, and lately I've been studying the effects of erotic hypnosis as it relates to ED, sexual enhancement and other issues.
So those are just a couple of ideas. I hope they helped.
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