[SadisticEuphoria]

Hey,
So I dated this guy for not long (he was my first bf, first kiss, first anything), it wasnt a very good relationship, but we ended up having sex one night. I don't know why, it seems stupid but at that specific moment I would have given him the world & I felt like I was in love with him. Now I realise I wasnt. I wasn't pressured, he didnt even suggest it. I did, it seemed like the right thing to do & it was his first time as well.
He broke up with me for his ex-gf, though they didn't get together & for a couple of months we hated each other. He was telling me I was nothing & I was a regret.
Now he has a new gf, I kinda want him back. Before I knew he had a gf, we were really great, good friends, joking around, how we were when things were good (before we actually dated). One minute I hate him, the next i'm completely infatuated with him.
This was 3 months ago we broke up, still his all I think about. I have no idea why cos when we were dating I wanted it to end because it was more 'friends with NO benefits'. I dont think I want him back, cos I know for a fact it wouldn't work as a relationship.

I've changed so much, my friends are pissed off with me. Since we broke up I realised I was nothing to him, I've never been worth anything to anyone except my parents. No one has ever liked me, in that way. So now I think I would be fine with just the dating around/sleeping with people, just for a small moment where I feel like someone actually cares about me.
I keep getting thoughts about how I can get him again, even though he has a gf. I know that is really bad & i hate myself for saying it, but the way his acting & things his saying, I dont think he'd refuse...So, I hate who I've become & how I think now.
But I cant stop thinking about how I just want SOMEONE, I dont care who really, as long as theres n attraction. Just someone who can make me feel appreciated just that little bit. The only time I've felt like I ever was when I had sex with my ex-bf that night. I just want that feeling back.

So i'm not sure what to do with myself =/ Im a mess......lol.