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Some of your issues I could have written myself 10 years ago, when my late wife began going thru "the change". She'd been my "first", although she'd had many lovers before me. We'd been married for decades as well, with a slow, steady decline in the frequency, variety and intensity of our lovemaking from about our 20th anniversary on. Big difference from you--she was always multi-orgasmic and always expected at least 2, if not 5 orgasms when we made love, and she would usually accept my giving her oral, to orgasm, prior to penetration, AND she normally liked to be on top. Plus, she had never been a Catholic or even a Christian! BUT, as the years went by, she got more into "getting right to the main event", and grew more and more bored and impatient with foreplay. IF she ever did give me oral, it was cursory, maybe a minute or two, never more, just a few licks and then "Put it in now!" It was as if, as our marriage progressed, she became more like a man in her sexual responses and I more like a woman, in response. I finally DID write her that letter, many pages long (I'm also a writer), detailing why I wanted intimacy and passion back in our marriage, setting out a vision of how our marriage could be more loving and fulfilling. It was a huge risk, I felt, but I also felt that I had little choice, because the marriage was at stake. I recently found that letter, while going thru papers preparing to move out of the house we shared for over 20 years. I know she always loved me, and she DID enjoy sex with me. I desired her physically always. Her later-in-life disinterest was such a rejection of and mystery to me. She was suspicious of any caress or kiss--she feared it might make me want "more." Like with you, French kissing all but vanished.
Long story short--I had a 2-year affair a dozen years ago, which she suspected but never really wanted to know about--it was a long-distance, very occasional "don't ask, don't tell" sort of thing. I ended it because I loved my wife and felt I could live with the lack of intimacy. I figured sex twice a month would have to do, and I'd take care of my desires beyond that by myself. After "the letter", things did get briefly better, but tapered off again. Then I had the heart attack, then she got cancer, and it seemed we fell madly in love. She was in remission for a couple of years, and although sick from chemo and radiation, wanted me more and more. When 2006 turned to 2007, her New Year's Resolution was, OUT OF THE BLUE, "We should have more sex." Who was I to disagree? Six weeks later the cancer returned and 8 weeks after that, she was dead. Do what you need to do as a couple NOW--don't waste time--you never know how much longer you have...
Michael
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