depression
I dont know realy were I should turn about this. maybe I need to vent, maybe I need help, I dont know anymore. Some of you may know me, and my past with the, in my words, Not so fairer sex.
To bring you up to speed, I have been single for the last, let me see, shit, 6 months now!! God, has it been that long... anyway.. In that time, I have tryed dating site after dating site, bars, asking friends and family, shit, even tryed my fair shots at Craigslist.. I have come to the idea that I must have the word "doormat" on my body some were cause I cant see it, but anyone I talk to does.
I have been matched with I dont know how many women on these sites, replyed to ads and or had somone set me up with someone. To date, all in all, I think it brakes down like this..
Dating sites- 200 matchs +\-
Craigslist- 20 listing for myself, countless ads replyed to
Family/friends- 10 set ups for blind dates
Now, you may say that sounds like good odds! Its NOT! Out of all those people, maybe 5 I have realy gotten to speak to in anyway, and try to meet face to face. As of today, I have been stude up all 5 times!!! I have been talk down to, mad fun of, push on, spat on, shit, I dont know what else to say.
I guess what I am saying, no asking. Once you get to the point I am at..how do you keep going? Right now.. I find no joy in my job, life or anything I do. I have lost the will to smile, cry or even to care about myself or anyone around me, that includes my own family. My own mother told me today I she had never seen me this way before.. Im cold.. I feel as if I have icewater in my blood and I cant even feel my own heart beat anymore right now.
I guess, maybe I have lost my will to do anything.. Once you lose that, what do you do? Some may say, after reading this, I sound like I am thinking about offing myself. Tell the truth.. I see that as a chickens way out..that is one thing I am not. But still, how does one carry on after being put down and layed low by what feels like everyone around them? As I sit here writing this, I cant help but feel nothing inside my own body. I feel as if I am locked inside my body, watching somone else and there is nothing I can do.
anyone............................................ ...........
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