First start at the perception of the marital dynamics, you as a child in the household, only view what is portrayed on the exterior. No one knows what happens in the bedroom, per say. Apparently, your parents chose to remain married for reasons & raised you to the best of their ability.
You played alone, achievement's to appease parents, and high school relationships are in the past.
High School is about finding what you like in people & not about how people handle themselves since they do not know themselves yet. Isolation through playing alone is one way a 'child' can exert control; however, you figured out how to be creative through this play & avoided "playing well with others".
Now, this is the past. Being dumped later happens; imagine a marrige where you are walked out on for other reasons.
FAST FORWARD TO THE PRESENT--TODAY [& how to start here and now].
You are now an adult & responsible for your own actions regardless of the past--your future begins here and now.
The foundation for a healthy relationship [your own] begins with:
1- Respect.
2-Accepting personal responsibility for one's behavior.
3-Allowing others to bear the consequences of their behavior [not through creating shame but by being the man you
wish/want to be].
4-Caring without enabling.
Owning your own choices:
1-What is best for my life long term?
2-What is best long term for those in my care?
3-What
MUST I have from a relationship to stay? [Not what you want, would like, or need]
4-What will I absolutely not tolerate in this relationship if I stay?
5-What am I expecting to lose if I end this relationship if I stay?
6-What do I expect to gain if I stay in this relationship?
****The "lifeblood" of successful living is owning your choices*****
All of these questions can be applied to any relationship or scenario [not just this relationship but through understanding and placing the past where it belongs] you begin anew. However, realize this is a good place to start through asking yourself these questions and understanding how to build a good foundation for the future. If you want love; you need to let it in. Whenever one does this there is risk, the risk can be painful and difficult, it may end; however, developing good interpersonal skills are a must unless you wish to live as a recluse. What you have said, you imply you do not want to, you wish someone there which you love. If you do not begin opening up I will guarantee you will end up alone & never trust.
One essential question if a relationship does not work is;
WHY & ACCEPTANCE based on your trueness/honesty. Then, what could I have reasonably done to make it better [such as effective communication or letting barriers down], what did I gain from getting to know/love this person? Did I leave it on good terms and what can I do differently to advert the discomfort? I.E.--Was I kind? Or needy? Or did I choose to date the wrong person & did not see what was evident? [lack of insight].
I hope this serves as a beginning for you. Think through it and make your life what you wish it to be. A life not lived is one which is tossed to the side due to fear & insecurity!
Been there.
