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It's been a while...
It's been awhile since I've been in a relationship...of any kind...at least five years...probably more depending on how you measure those sorts of things. In the intermediate time, I've been alone, mostly. After my last relationship, I kind of decided, I wasn't going to get attached to anyone ever again. I locked as much of that part of me away and buried it deep down.
Anyways...over the last few months I met this woman...and I'm finding that I'm...becoming kind of attached to her. I just don't know what to do. I mean I know what to 'do', I just can't. I think she's noticed me as well. She's been trying to get closer...but I keep pushing her away, because I'm afraid of wanting to be with someone. I don't want to desire someone again...but I can't deny that part of me really really wants to be with her. I don't want to be a manipulator or to be manipulated anymore, though. I want to be left alone...but...even I can't say that the loneliness doesn't hurt, nor can I say that my time alone has been happy...and she makes me laugh adn stuff...but I can't help but think that those feelings...my desires...are wrong.
I guess, I'm kind of a mess...(which is another reason I keep pushing her away...I don't want to subject her to the 'real' me...whose the psychological equivalent of an uncontained nuclear explosion...followed by radioactive quicksand).
I just don't know what to do...
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