OK so i'm in a massive dilemma and i don't really want to ask my friends as the laddish consensus will be 'dump her and move on'.
So here's the situation me and my lovely girlfriend have been going out for near on 2 years now, Known each other as friends previously.
Now over these past 2 years we've probably only had sex around 30x. now at first it wasn't too bad we had it every so often and i wasn't to fussed due to when we see each other and the fact her parent is usually in when I come over.
She is a great girlfriend and obviously loves me to bits from actions etc, is very cuddly and Kissy But its getting to the point where i'm thinking is it worth it, Is there something wrong. Especially now we only seeing each other once a week. Now every Friday i want to rip her clothes off and do the dirty she wants to slob in front of couch or just go town and drink (this leads to sleep not sex)
Now I know all im going to get after that is ' have you spoke to her' well yes i have. she gets defensive or comes up with stuff like.
' Just not in the mood at all'
' I think its the pill' (yasmin if your wondering)
etc etc
But the thing is even when we do have sex apart from early on in the relationship she is not very involved in the matter.
Ive tried to get her in the mood using massage, tried using vibrators on her.
She cant even be bothered to take oral/finger sex from me :eek: I'm the softest lad i know and truly loving to my girlfriends. I've never had a bad word said about sex and even my ex has said to friends afterward (recently a friend told me that i was great at oral and a good lover)
By saying this i am not being cocky I'm trying to get a point across.
Any suggestions????
Perhaps it will BUT if she's stressing now how is she going to handle birth, kids, working for a living, cleaning house, etc., etc. and paying taxes? If sex and orgasms don't thrill her now, when will they?
Did you ask her, after she dried her tears, what she was going to do about all of those things that were stressing her out? You should. It is better for her to find solutions than to just keep on trying to 'deal with' whatever.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;275695]Perhaps it will BUT if she's stressing now how is she going to handle birth, kids, working for a living, cleaning house, etc., etc. and paying taxes? If sex and orgasms don't thrill her now, when will they?
Did you ask her, after she dried her tears, what she was going to do about all of those things that were stressing her out? You should. It is better for her to find solutions than to just keep on trying to 'deal with' whatever.[/QUOTE]
I have said that she should find a way of dealing with things, i reassured her that i was always there to talk to her. she knows I've been through similar things but also hopefully she'll know where she stands in a few months.
Talking to her is very hard though, She will only go so far when she talks to me.
she'll be fine with kids etc she's just started her new job so hopefully she'll settle into that soonish.
EEK PM me and i'll happily tell you the various things stressing her out
Maybe I am totally off point here but is there any chance that she has ever had any type of abuse, be it mental, physical or sexual.
I only ask because of the crucial nature that relaxing and feeling safe plays in sex.
Yes, she told me that her ex used to force (not physically but mentally) into it and got it more/less everyday. i do think this could be a massive thing. Now we have talked about this topic thoroughly. this is why i try not to moan when she says no because i feel like im then forcing her if i do.
Nafall,
You are up against something to big to handle yourself. What seems like "talking thoroughly" has only scratched the surface. Consider a counselor to help each of you through this.
I'm up for that totally but getting her to do that is just not going to happen anytime soon
[QUOTE=NagyApu;275661]Ok. She is on the pill which indicates that at some level she wants to be sexually available to you.
On the other hand, nothing about your love making seems to be driving her to want more.
So, let me propose a rather difficult turn of mind ..... The joining of minds through conversation is the highest form of sex.[/QUOTE]
I have thought about this before i have really doubted myself as her lover, BUT i have already in the past talked about what she wants and she has told me. I know her key places to touch, how to angle my body to hit her 'spot' thats all good. When we do have sex it's always her that comes first. But i think that EEK (below) is more spot on. read on to see why
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;275662]Perhaps she simply doesn't have a compatible desire for sex.
Odd, I agree, but it might be just that.[/QUOTE]
I think it is that, we managed to have some today before getting out of bed. now later on i thought i'd ask her a simple question
"When you have sex does it make you happier?"
to this question she umm'd and arr'd and then said "Not really"
Now i know that when I have sex, I carry a smile on my face all day and am in a generally happier place. This is the same for my friends and previous partners.
HOWEVER! one thing happened this weekend which did not shock me.. she broke down in tears. talking about all sorts which is going on at the moment. these have also been going on all the time we've been going out. so I am actually thinking that maybe when she is not stressed out that her drive may come back???
Perhaps she simply doesn't have a compatible desire for sex.
Odd, I agree, but it might be just that.
Ok. She is on the pill which indicates that at some level she wants to be sexually available to you.
On the other hand, nothing about your love making seems to be driving her to want more.
So, let me propose a rather difficult turn of mind -- for her, you are the world's most incompetent lover. If you can't live with that, stop reading. If you can accept that, then you most urgently need her help because YOU just don't have a clue about making love to HER. You need her help and her constant advice. From the first kiss, you need her to tell you how to do it right.
This is going to be hard to sell to her -- she is probably not comfortable being the one giving orders and so you will need to repeatedly beg -- reminding her of how much you love her and how much you want to be intimate with her. This is a hard sell for you because you need to be truly humble and constantly seeking advice. This may result in times in bed that are more talking than doing, but that is actually your goal. The joining of minds through conversation is the highest form of sex.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;275638]Your gf is THINKING. She has concerns/issues she's not yet willing to discuss - hence her defensiveness. Let's review the major points.
1. it has been 2 years
2. your skills are not in question
3. she loves you to bits
4. you want sex and she wants to chill or party but NOT to talk or have sex
All of this says to me, others may read a different message, she's wondering where this relationship is heading. Usually at the two year point, it is decision time - marry/not marry, continue investing/cut him loose. (And then he complains about the lack of sex. Aaaaargh!)
It is her NOT talking you should be worried about. Be up front - "tell me what's on your mind because unless you tell me, I won't know." Pick a Friday when she wants to chill and just relax into it. "Hey, I'm male. I don't read minds."[/QUOTE]
I've talked about it with her and she's not always been defensive though.
Its not been a recent thing its been like this for most of the relationship. She's knows that i'd marry her but i've said we need to live together for a minimum of a year first so she obviously knows where the relationship is going.
@Adriana: yes it may seem like work but its been like this even when we weren't busy. I've tried focusing on massage etc but she either falls asleep or it goes no further. After a few weeks of trying that I got bored sex should not be THAT much of an effort for 2 people in their early 20s
If you only get to see her once or twice a week, I assume you're busy. Maybe the time she gets to spend with you is also the only time she has to relax and sex feels like more work to her. Perhaps instead of focusing on sex, you could focus on massage and sensual intimacy that may lead to intercourse.
I agree with EEK, talking is the key here. let her tell you what she want ls. But be prepared for anything in return.
You did mentioned the pill. When my fiance got off the pill her sex drive went sky high, but you got to know that if the sex hormones go up all the other one also go up.
Your gf is THINKING. She has concerns/issues she's not yet willing to discuss - hence her defensiveness. Let's review the major points.
1. it has been 2 years
2. your skills are not in question
3. she loves you to bits
4. you want sex and she wants to chill or party but NOT to talk or have sex
All of this says to me, others may read a different message, she's wondering where this relationship is heading. Usually at the two year point, it is decision time - marry/not marry, continue investing/cut him loose. (And then he complains about the lack of sex. Aaaaargh!)
It is her NOT talking you should be worried about. Be up front - "tell me what's on your mind because unless you tell me, I won't know." Pick a Friday when she wants to chill and just relax into it. "Hey, I'm male. I don't read minds."