[QUOTE=moose_hd;154655]1. Men like hot women. The more the merrier. Biology makes us want to spread our seed as far and wide as possible.

2. We are constantly exposed to MFF and FF fantasies through porn. We're conditioned to like it. That fantasy he described with you pleasing another woman and then licking his cum off her is straight out of about 50,000 porn videos.[/QUOTE]

What you say may be true, but out of 50,000 porn videos, I (personally) would say that a small fraction even hint at "reality".

Fantasys are "pretend". I like fantasys, I dwell on them quite a bit and don't have a problem with them. But I don't get them confused with reality. (Personally, F/F doesnt even impress me. But I don't deny it impresses others). A M/F/F fantasy would be cool, but only under the RIGHT conditions with the RIGHt person. (Like THAT would ever happen!)

that is NOT to say my wife and I haven't learned anything new, or experimented in our 28 years, but we have only done what is COMFORTABLE to us, (physically and morally). :eek:

If the 2 of you don't agree with something that involves BOTH of you, then it shouldn't be done.

I think you should make your point clear that you don't and won't ever do that w/ anyone else. the next you guys have sex and he is about to say the same thing just stop having sex and put your clothes back on and say i don't want to have sex anymore or you just completely turned me off right there and tell him that you're sick and tired of hearing the same fantasy coming from him. Or just tell him that you don't wanna keep having sex if he's always gunna talk about that! idk but it sometimes works for me especially if you make it VERY clear that you are VERY serious about this. but anywayz that's all the help i can be hope it kinda helps in some sort of way!

1. Men like hot women. The more the merrier. Biology makes us want to spread our seed as far and wide as possible.

2. We are constantly exposed to MFF and FF fantasies through porn. We're conditioned to like it. That fantasy he described with you pleasing another woman and then licking his cum off her is straight out of about 50,000 porn videos.

I don't think you're reading way too far into this! i have felt the same way before. my ex had tried get us to have a 3some before and it definitly didn't work out and it never happened also he just ended up dating the other girl even though we never did anything. but if you aren't happy and it makes you feel as though you aren't good enough i say you should definitly say something to him and if he just doesn't get it deprive him of sex and then maybe he'll understand or try some other method you'd rather prefer. idk but if you feel that way do something about it. i've had that problem before and it tore at and bothered me so much. and the guy moose_hd i think that was kind of the wrong answer to say and somewhat of a jerkish thing too.

You could always take him somewhere that does fantasies.. Just have them throw him in a room with 2 girls and let him fill his fantasy.

You know...Some guys are like that, and I find it a huge turn off also. I mean, I think that if a guy in a relationship is going to sleep with anyone, it should be his girlfriend (or boyfriend, supposing you swing that way). Having been with the same guy for more than a year, I can't see me letting him go have a threesome with two random girls. Hey, but that's just my two cents.

I don't think you should simply be "OK" with anything that is outside of YOUR comfort level. Fantasies are only "fun" when both partners, (or more? :eek: ) are into it. But you don't have to be absolutly firm beyond reason about it either. (not flaming, just don't know any other way to word it).

The thing about the strip club though, (and this is only my personal experience, may be different for your "guy".). I was "drifting" away from my wife quite some time ago. I lived in a fantasy world supported by air brushed perfect women, (which my wife was NOTHING like). Then one time when I was away from home, I went to a strip club. I found it, (dissapointing isn't quite the right word), to be an eye opener. Most of the girls had the same "defects" :rolleyes: my wife did. I realized that although there are one in a million that are "perfect", most of them were no different than her.

This is NOT to suggest that you should let him go on what I said, but perhaps he needs an eye opener. It's been a LONG time since I've visited a strip club.

One other thought, perhaps your pushing too hard. If you tell him "NO!!", then he may choose to be defiant, or simply reacts the opposite of what you want or expect.

Are the other "girls" a threat to your relationship? My wife is a LOT more leniant since she doesn't feel threatened by "them". Of course, I can't get too carried away either...

Boy! Except for the dancing and your breasts, you sound like MY wife! (My wife had double Negative F's I think ;) )

As far as gaining weight, kids will do that to ya! :p

My wife, (and I), went through a phase, (still is in it, but not as bad), as you are. I work hard to keep her from being depressed or "moody" but despite all of that she still somewhat has a complex about herself. From what I hear, there aren't too many that dont!

When my wife turned 40, (8 years ago), she suddenly had a different attitude about sex and her self esteem. She decided that she isn't getting any younger, and to hell with anyone who got in her way of having "FUN!" THAT was the best sexual time of our lives! When she developed the attitude that our bodies can have FUN FUN FUN she started to see that yes, other girls DO attract me she understood that I like intense sex too, and if that is what it took for me to get there, (not because SHE couldn't get me there, but the fantasys only ADDED to the excitement!), then she was OK with that. As long as I don't take anything away from her, she is comfortable with that.

There is so much more to this story that I haven't the time to write here, but I've been together with my wife for almost 29 years, (married). We have been on our roller coaster of self esteem, but I'm always there to support her. Even when my eyes (not my heart), may be on someone else.

I use to desire other women more than her. Now I desire her more. I still do desire others, but from afar! (She once told me I could look but not touch. I can live with that!)

You can't control wether or not he is aroused by someone else. Just going into a store can generate 10's of fantasys for me under the right conditions. It's what you DO with those emotions (both him and you) that can make it good, or bad.

Believe it or not, I feel your pain. That may be hard to accept from a man, but I've seen my wife go from one extreme to the other, and we have both survived.

Sex and love can be SO much fun when both of you are of one mindset.

In our relationship, I'm the one with the strong sex drive. Although when she gets started, WOW! :D :eek:

You must love your DH a lot to feel that way. It's almost parallel with my feelings towards my DW. I too have "held back" and "denied" her sex, (actually denied myself sex), just to see how long it would take her to "miss me". I usually give in first. :(

As I said before, "You can't control wether or not he is aroused by someone else". Not knowing your relationship, is it possible to turn that around into something positive? I'm not suggesting you allow him to run around like a horny bull, but some good things can come from his excitement. You just have to find a way to employ it.

I dropped my wife off at the airport yesterday, and while I was in "the big city" went to an adult store. They sell costumes for halloween right now, and the sexiest women came in looking at the sexiest costumes! My heart melted right then just picturing them in those costumes and imagining them WANTING to have sex! I had NO control over my emotions and desires. BUT in my relationship, I know that "they" are not worth what they "cost". I can still desire them, and have fantasys about them, but would NEVER actually interact with them without my wifes permission and blessings! (That would never happen. She gets "protective" too, but uses my strong desires to HER advantage! :rolleyes:

Oh yea, one more thing. My wife is the ONLY one I've ever been with. Talk about wanting to satisfy my curiosity? I would LOVE to have sex with someone else, (sex kitten of course!). My wife knows and understands that. She also knows that she can allow me to run free in my mind, and that I'll never actually get physical with someone else. I know she is secure in that and that alone helps our physical relationship.

[QUOTE=bruins76;154735][FONT="Comic Sans MS">[SIZE="4">[SIZE="3">[COLOR="SeaGreen">The thought that he is having these "thoughts" hurt me to the point that I don't enjoy sex w/ him if he brings it up (almost all the time he does bring it up)...I go from enjoying it, feeling close to him to wanting him off me & feeling w/drawn.
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Good job I read the whole thread and didn’t hurry to add my worthless opinion…. cuz it seemed from your earlier posts that he kept mentioning his fantasy cuz you kept asking him about it. Now I see that’s not the case at all. Small wonder that you’re upset; for somebody to keep on telling their partner something that they KNOW causes upset, yet continues to do it regardless, is IMO an act of cruelty. His having a fantasy that doesn’t appeal to you ought to be little more than a “hurdle” and easily rectified but, somewhat disturbingly, he’s using it to beat you around the head with for reasons as yet unascertained.

When you say “That's why I am even more sad, knowing that something is hurting your partner, why would you continue to do it?” it’s apparent that you’ve begun to understand that the problem is a good deal worse than you initially thought it was. “Why does he insist on telling me about his fantasies?” is a question that distracts from the actual issue which is “Why is he deliberately upsetting/hurting me?” The former could be ignorance if there was any doubt as to how upsetting you found it…. but you’ve told him over and over, so there can be no doubt.

Obviously, I cannot give a specific answer as to why anyone would inflict emotional trauma upon somebody they profess to love (or at least care about) but typically it would be some self-esteem issue he has going on. You said he’d had probs in that department before… chances are this is a new manifestation. From your posts,,, it could be the apparent loss of his libido and looking to blame you for it rather than “looking within”. Is he being critical of you outside of the bedroom?

There’s little point in me wandering off into realms of speculation when you’re the only person in a position to find out what’s really going on. Unless he desperately wants to realise that fantasy of his… I suspect it’s just a convenient mechanism he uses for upsetting you. It’s why he wants to do THAT that you need to be asking him about. Good luck. :)

[QUOTE=bruins76;155611][FONT="Comic Sans MS">[SIZE="3">[COLOR="Green"> Hopefully my little comments will make him understand that I don't like his little comments & as long as he continues to have these comments I'll do just the same, perhaps he'll get the hint & stop. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

Good idea…. but only in the short term while you drive the point home. Thereafter, if it becomes obvious he’s not going grasp it – due to ingrained stupidity or choice – it’d be pointless continuing with it. Once the point has been well made it can only degenerate into a kind of tit-for-tat bickering scenario. Worse, he enjoys his fantasy, you don’t enjoy the one you made up to make your point so spending too much time repeating them will ultimately upset you more than it does him.

[QUOTE=bruins76;155611][FONT="Comic Sans MS">[SIZE="3">[COLOR="Green"> …so then of course I said "so does that mean I don't do it for you?" he said "well I am older now" etc.... [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

You let him wheedle out of answering the question, then. Ask him the same question again and don’t let him side-step it a second time.

[QUOTE=bruins76;155611][FONT="Comic Sans MS">[SIZE="3">[COLOR="Green"> I've told him before that if he didn't start making more of an effort in bed, I'd have to leave him. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

In which case you already succeeded in making……

[QUOTE=bruins76;155611][FONT="Comic Sans MS">[SIZE="3">[COLOR="Green"> …….. him see how it feel's to be made not "good enough" or feel "inadequate" sexually. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

Obviously, he was already avoiding you or you would not have resorted to the above but, ANY guy will tell you there are few things worse than being under pressure to perform. If his libido was already low such a threat could well make him impotent in your vicinity even though he may be otherwise functional. All the same, if he’s showing no interest in you it was fair comment… just be aware that you may have made what was already a problem worse.

On the positive side; posting your problems on a website and the nature of what you describe clearly demonstrates that, quite rightly, you’re not prepared to tolerate an inadequate relationship and are looking to resolve it one way or the other. He seems more inclined to settle for what he has – currently, little more than a fantasy and a partner who barely tolerates him.

That you WERE having fun with friends you described as “more attractive” and guys WERE attracted by your personality despite how you felt about the way you look… suggests that you could be experiencing those things again,,,,, right now even. Along with doing little or nothing for you himself, your guy is affecting your self-esteem to the extent that you are losing your confidence around others. You’d soon get it back without somebody dragging you down. (MAYBE that’s what his behaviour is about; making you feel so low that you feel compelled to stay with him).

If you’re still of a mind to fix what you have you need to get him to discuss the issues the way you do… directly… and not let him get away with avoiding answering questions or “kind of” answering them. If he’s not prepared to do that with you and especially if he keeps going on about his fantasy… you’ll have all the proof you need that only one person is putting any effort into that relationship anymore. If he shows no inclination to change,,,, move on before he robs you of the remainder of your joi de vivre.

say bruins you mentioned in your initial post that you do have a fantasy of doing with 2 men but don't mention it to not upset him then further down you start saying you are telling him that to fight back. OK admited I have not read the entire thread but this did kind of hit me. I personally can't see the point of threesomes and even if I did and my girl objected to my fantasy I would not keep bring it up in respect of her.

Keeping fantasies is perfectly healthy, it's when fantasies are allowed to dominate your real life experiences that problems start.

I like porn, and yes I have fantasies based on porn I have seen, or the strip clubs I've visited (though rarely) .

But I keep those thoughts away from my real life relations with my wife.

Sex with her is far more meaningful and involved than any threesome/gangbang/lapdance etc could ever be. To me it's total and absolute fulfilment and expression of our unity (also she's very good at it too ;) ) My wife is a beautiful girl and as I said before our sexual relations are excellent, I wouldn't change that for anything imaginable in pornography.

As she herself said, sex without love is just two people sticking bodyparts into holes - and though pleasurable I feel the full effect is achieved with love.

RS

Amen..............................

Very nice.

But... you knew this was coming.... men like being the center of attention - hence the 'king' threesome of 2 women and 1 man. The REALITY of such a situation - non-bi since I am not bi - is that the man has to be exceptional to pull it off especially if the two women are fully self-aware, multi-orgasmic, demanding powerhouses. The 'queen' threesome of 2 men and 1 woman is much easier to pull off and in many ways more fun.

The trouble with most king threesomes is when the guy wants the women to be bisexual - some are and most aren't. I agree with her completely - the idea of sex with another woman, 'girl on girl', leaves me cold. But if he just wants the extra attention - that's fine with me; but then, I am not at all jealous or possessive. I am far too egotistical to be jealous. (Surprise, surprise.)

3somes, 4somes, group sex - it is all good if you are with friends. Otherwise it can be fun but not as thrilling. Sex is better if there is some affection, good humor, and comraderie with it. As my best friend told one of my lovers "If you want a decent blowjob, you're going to have to stop telling jokes!". Ah me! So much fun! Life is one big party!

Maybe I have missed something here but have you told him how you feel about his continuous reference to this fantasy. As it seems you have experienced, certain fantasies are best not shared, not because of a no trust issue but rather because of a respect to ones partner (as should be the case in this issue).

have you or would you consider the introduction of "toys" in your relationship? They are sometimes a means of "living out" one's fantasies without over stepping the boundaries set between two consenting adults.

I too have fantasies that could/would be unacceptable to by SO as too I believe has she. Yet we find space for all things and do not divulge that which we feel would be upsetting to the other.

[QUOTE=tbryson2;154664]What you say may be true, but out of 50,000 porn videos, I (personally) would say that a small fraction even hint at "reality".

[/QUOTE]

But it's hitting reality because we, as people watch a lot of porn. It's becoming normal to have sex like porn stars.

Me & my girl have sex like we're being filmed for a movie.

you really shouldn't withhold sex, if you do that you will loose him.
i came out of 2 committed mostly happy marriages because my wifes denied me.

as far as his fantasy goes, if your looking for someone to agree with you that its wrong, then you can find those people anywhere, but what is a solution to this situation...

fighting about sex will kill your relationship.

sirene onve again you show your imaturity just because that is what they stagein porn.

I fmy girlfriend was to tell me she was not happy with me proposing such ideas I would not keep bringing them up with her I may still entertain them but not discuss them anymore it is something called respect and tollerance. the more we go on sirene the more I realize the reason of your post about not getting enough ! that poor girl of yours

[QUOTE=Newtolove;157428]sirene onve again you show your imaturity just because that is what they stagein porn.

I fmy girlfriend was to tell me she was not happy with me proposing such ideas I would not keep bringing them up with her I may still entertain them but not discuss them anymore it is something called respect and tollerance. the more we go on sirene the more I realize the reason of your post about not getting enough ! that poor girl of yours[/QUOTE]

Im getting help!!

I always try it once. How do you know if you don't like something sexual until you have tried it? If your requests are being met with an immediate no and no further discussion takes place - chances are your partner is not being truly considerate but is expecting you to be. Discussion should always preceed decision. If not, then these sorts of fantasies have a way of getting between you in a relationship.