[Brandye]

First, Orchid: Most orgasmic women seem to have experienced the first orgasm in the early teens while masturbating. Multiple orgasms are probably less common than we are led to believe. We are all capable but often are not that interested. A woman can be satisfied without being satiated and that is where most of us stop. I never masturbate to multiple orgasms. I have had the experience with others – more commonly with women than men. There is a relationship between how early women begin to masturbate and their later sexual satisfaction. Roughly, the earlier, the better.

About a quarter of us never achieve orgasm; about half (I am in this group) do not achieve orgasm by penile thrusting; and that means about a quarter of us climax through penile thrusting as men want us to. That is their problem, not ours. For women, the brain is the most important sex organ. It is not the mechanics of sex so much as the romanticized view of sex that results in complete response. Once physical factors are excluded by a gyn exam, sex therapists will begin more with the imagination (fantasy) than with mechanical factors. An intense focus on the orgasm, alone, seems to inhibit orgasm.

The orgasm is actually a release of myotonia – muscles become extremely tense as we build up and the climax is the release of this tension. A combination of what we are expecting, what we are fantasizing and what physical stimulation leads to this tension. Once a woman experiences orgasm, subsequent orgasms are easier to achieve – we know what we are looking for.

All women are capable but some of us are inhibited for whatever reason. Many simply give up and accept a life without sexual response. I have had one patient who experienced her first orgasm in her fifties; a few who have experienced orgasm in their thirties after a few births. It is not uncommon for non-orgasmic women to experience orgasm after giving birth.

Those of us who learned through masturbation are generally able to transfer this response to sex with a partner. I was unable to with men; it was only after a few relationships with other women that I became able to respond with a man. Each step was learning what I needed and wanted.

There is no simple answer but the inability to fantasize is a recurring theme among non-orgasmic women. Perhaps we should practice more fantasy without a sexual focus. I would recommend that any non-orgasmic, mature woman have a complete gyn exam and ask for reference to a woman sex therapist. Yes, I am biased but believe that women can help more than men in this therapeutic setting. We can but sometimes require extraordinary steps to attain.