I'm glad it's fun for you, obseesed ... but, for many, like me, who've been sexually abused as a child, it is NOT fun - I feel it is most definitely a key to unlocking one of the many doors in my healing journey towards THRIVING instead of merely surviving ... yet, it is still a HUGE TRIGGER for intense feelings of shame - did I want to be abused, is it my fault? Even though I know logically that I had absolutely NO CONTROL over that as a child, my body doesn't - when I start to feel good, to enjoy myself I have to fight every second to hang on to the good feelings & not disociate (leave my body) & go completely numb.... Masturbation for me is a little by little process that has been underway for almost a year & still I don't get wet & have not had an orgasm - I usually feel nothing at all by myself, only when my current partner touches me *SIGH* The only "fun" I've had with masturbation was 2 nights ago when we were sleeping together & I woke up from a dream - I was masturbating ... at 1st I was embarrassed because I was starting to try to get his attention while doing so & I ended up turning over feeling ashamed ... in the morning, I asked him if it was a dream & he said it definitely wasn't, that he enjoyed it - for the 1st time in my life I felt happy that I'd masturbated! It's hard not to feel pity & anger for myself about this & I feel like crying just typing it here, but at the same time I'm proud that I finally made some milestone, some progress & I'm CHOOSING to hang on to THAT in hopes that masturbation will become a fun, enjoyable activity for me
