[Rawbob]

Hi TJ, thanks for your questions. Let me take them one at a time!

1) When did i know i was gay?: Well, like most men in my position, i guess i could write a BOOK about my life as a str8 man..but i'll give ya the Readers Digest version.

Looking back now, i know i was in deep denial about my homosexuality. As a kid and teenager when i saw str8 pornography, i was always looking at the man's dick and not so much the vagina. I mean, pornographic images of a man and a woman having sex are and were everywhere, so there was no lack of "visual" fodder for me. However, when you grow up in a very conservative, blue-collar, religious house like i did, the "ROLE" a man was to play in life was drilled into me from as far back as i can remember. A man is supposed to grow up, go to school, date girls, be rowdy and have fun, play sports, go to college, get a degree, find a girl, get a good job/career going, get married, buy a house, have a kid, and of course the dog and cat - AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I should also point out that i was a wicked homophobe in my late teen, early 20's. Even my wife (now exwife) would often chastise me for being so intolerant! Once married a few years, my wife and i, as most couples do, began discussing fantasies and watching porn as part of our sex life. That, along with the advent of the internet, i began to see more and more links and info about gay sex. The more i viewed and read the more an inner voice began to cut thru the decades of engrained thoughs and beliefs i had. My and I met a gay couple on vacation, and she encouraged me to spend a week's vacation with them while she was on a business trip. That was when i first saw how happy those 2 men were, and that their life was not much different from my life.

Thats when the deception began in my life and my marriage. I began searching out more information and actual experimentation with gay sex. From trips to adult bookstores to going to gay bars on business trips, i explored all aspects of gay life (thats a story in and of itself). Needless to say, it had a toll on my marriage - and it was my wife who, when she left, said "I'm leaving, so you can find out WHO u really are."

2) How was sex with my wife: Let me just say that i never had a problem performing sexually with my wife. IT was never about sex - it was about love. I "loved" my wife, but i came to understand that i was more in love with the importance of being seen as "normal." In fact, the last time i saw my wife before she left me, we had sex. Its amazing how you can trick your body and mind to adapt to almost any situation - and thats how it was for me. COULD i have sex with a woman now - probaby yes. Would I? No.

Thanks for the questions! Feel free to ask more if you want. HOpe this gave you some insight!