Hey all, been ages since I've been here. In the midst of major school deadlines, my computer died, had to get a new one in a single evening, and I just haven't made it back.
So, as to my question. T and I just yesterday had what may be the best, most emotionally connected, most mutually fulfilling session we've ever had.......the morning after my father's funeral. If you find it odd that I'm posting this question so soon, just know that Dad had advanced Alzheimer's, and that it was a quick painless heart attack that took him, which in my heart of hearts saved him from a much worse death. So I really am at peace, because I feel he finally is.
T and I had had several soul-searching conversations in the days between Dad's death in the wee hours of NYE morning and the funeral on Thursday. T thinks these talks are what allowed it to build over a few days. It was a battle for me--part of me said "not at a time like this" and the other part said "you're only human, it's okay". Once I finally permitted myself to go there, we had the best, most in-tuned make-out I think we've ever had. Then as things advanced our rhythms synced instantly, helping make the rest of it the best he thinks we've ever done.
Looking back, it still just seems odd to gravitate toward such things at such times. Am I over-thinking?
Affirming life at the time of death? Seems quite appropriate to me even if statistically a bit unusual. Don't guilt yourself over it. Life is truly short.
Sounds like you grew a lot closer over the shared emotional experiences.
You probably also had a lot of tension to release, and why not do that together?
I might be worried if you went off and found a stranger to get it on with, or allowed your relationship to fall apart, or something like that. But as long as you didn't do it at the wake I think you're okay.
First of all: my condolences. It is good you are at peace with the way he went. When that time has come, we'd all wish it to be with as little suffering as possible. Sorry for your loss and I wish you strength during these times.
And I don't think it's odd at all. Profound emotional experiences have a tendency of bringing out our core of being. If it perhaps would make you feel less odd, the day after the funeral of my best friend, my bf and I got intimate as well. It was this very emotional state in which all that was needed was to embrace eachother. And indeed: embracing life.
In the face of death, sex is a way of reaffirming life. All professions that face or deal with death also report this same reaction. If you will recall a certain advertisement for automobile tires where the elderly couple follow their GPS only to end up at the brink of a cliff - where they passionately embrace - the advertisers were only speaking of one of those 'eternal truths'.
You know, I've just been reminded that me and my boyfreind first started our courtship the week after my grandmother died. We didn't get together untill about two months later, but that was because of the geography involved.
@Rose: thank you, I appreciate the condolences. Perhaps it's quick for me to have bounced back from his death, but I think I mourned the loss of who he was a little at a time as the Alzheimer's slowly took his personality. "My Dad" was mostly gone well before the body quit working.
@ everyone else: thanks for the reassurance. I don't entirely know why I was worried about it, except for how keenly I had been aware of my level of coping during the week. I felt like everyone who asked the poignant "how are you doing?" expected me to be worse than I have been.
Any long term period of 'dying' involves a slow 'goodbye'.
I too experienced this with my father, although he wasn't very beloved.
But his dying by degrees turned a Titan into, well, not the man I knew and his frustration must have been immense and terrible since his illness meant he was trapped inside his own mind unable to communicate nor to control his own body - a truly frightening prospect. At the end, even his mind was slipping away from him.
And they ask me why I smoke.
lnt, I'm very sorry that your father slipped away so slowly. You don't have to defend your ways of coping with losing him. Perhaps it seems quick, but apparently it's just right for you. And that's what matters. Should at any time you feel a need to share, I'll be here on the other side of your computer-screen.
EEK, I'm sorry for you and for him. And I pray you will never have to face that frightening prospect.
Ty but there's no need to worry; I won't face that prospect.
Thank you both, again. EEK, your comments sound so....familiar. Dad was brilliant in an armchair kind of way, if you know what I mean. Didn't finish college but understood calculus better than anyone in the house (and I aced high school calc). So it was hard to watch his mind and communication abandon him a little at a time.
So many people used the token "it was so sudden" in greeting us in the days after his death. Every time I heard that, my brain said "yeah...really, not". While I don't think any of us expected it quite this soon, I personally figured this would be our last Christmas. T asked me at one point if part of me was glad he's gone--I'm glad he's at peace. I feel truly blessed that he had a great Christmas week, and that he didn't have to descend any further into a physical and mental place he didn't want to be going. Sorry to babble, it's bedtime, I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep.
Wow, I totally just hijacked my own thread. That takes talent, no? :D
Oh definately; sometimes it really is a relief after watching someone in pain for a long time.
My grandmother was 90 and had been in hospital for several weeks... nobody was surprised, and nobody felt it was a tradgedy because her pain had ended after a good long innings.
So you sound fine, to me :)
Firstly, my condolences. Nothing more I need to say that hasn't already.
Secondly, I'd like to add, consider yourself very lucky that T was there with you, every step of the way through the process. If its not too big an inference, that you had these long, in depth emotional conversations, T was also there to support you practically and physically too. Sounds like you have a partner to be very thankful for ready and willing to provide the motional and physical support when it counted. An intimacy like that adds to the connectivity you described in your fulfilling session.
[QUOTE=sharealike;277412].....consider yourself very lucky that T was there with you, every step of the way through the process....
.....a partner to be very thankful for ready and willing to provide the emotional and physical support when it counted......[/QUOTE]
Very definitely. T has understood me better than I understand myself almost since our first interaction. Our first anniversary of marriage is in a little over a month, and while it sounds cliche, I literally don't (nor do I want to) know where I'd be if we'd never met.
Which I express to him often, including several times during that week. I most definitely do not take for granted how fortunate I am.
This is not weird. This is right up the very end of the spectrum of positive, healthy and to be celebrated.
Congratulations on your anniversary next month!
I don't believe so, unless you are doing it on the grave or in a coffin. After someone passes from us, we are emotional in termoil and need comfort. So, it is a great time for to people like you did to connect.