> how long can u wait to tell a guy how much u love them even if u two is datein for at least 3 mths.would really like to knw

I believe you mean "him", not "them", correct?

"How long can u wait...."? How long will it take for you to make this determination? Each person will have a different set of circumstances, and, with each person s/he regularly dates with the intention of having a deeper relationship. No two couples are the same. No two relationships are the same. With each person you date, and presuming all is going well and in the direction you hope for, how long it takes for you, him, or any other couple to recognize that "I love you", varies.

I believe your question is "how long should I wait....?" There are various stages of attraction, ranging from--

* Attraction, physically and emotionally
* Like
* Trusting a person
* Being in Like with the person
* Lust
* Infatuation
* Passion
* Love
* Being in love with the person
* Commitment

Here are three articles to help bring a better understanding to the process of love:

The Five Stages of Love

Love's tug-of-war

Love is what remains after the "being in" part has matured.

Informing a person that "I love you" is vastly different than informing him/her that "I am in love with you." Love conjures up a strong set of emotions than simply liking a person very very much. You can have one or more acquaintances that you like--or not, yet have little or no social interactions with. Friendships range the gamut from casual to Best Friend. I really really like my best friends {one a woman, one a man) and can share a range of emotions and secrets with both that other people (just friends) will never be privy to. I enjoy interacting and doing things together with each of them to a degree not shared with other more casual friends.

So, when do you tell your boyfriend "I love you"? The most likely answer is when you determine that he is more to you than just a casual friend--and! when you have a "mutual admiration" for each other, and, when there is trust, and, when he enjoys being with you as much as you enjoy being with him, and, when he places you at the top of his list of priorities, and, when you can still live life without him, yet choose not to. Tell him when he puts as much time and effort into the relationship as you and with the same importance. So, this has as much or more to do with him as it does with how you feel.

WORD TO THE WISE: If a boyfriend exhibits behaviors or attitudes that are unacceptable to you, but, you believe "I can fix him"--don't. You cannot. You are not the first to think this way and the results are generally always negative. Do not hang on to a guy and whisper "I love you" into his ear in the hope less desirable characteristics or traits will change in time. Wrong. Do not tell a person "I love you" just to keep him, have a guy in your life, or, not to be alone. Double wrong.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

gee doc,
I always thought someone woulde know it when it happens...it just comes out spontaniously and without checklists or parameters or even conscience thought.

And feels as natural saying and meaning it as breathing.

silly me....

Someone beat me to this question, but is there a certain length of time that can determine whether or not love can emerge from a relationship?

I'm going through something kind of similar, except we've been dating for quite awhile. I told him "I love you" six months into our relationship. Personally, I think people rush into the whole "love" feeling too too often. But my bf told me that he wants to reserve that word for a later time, when he knows this because love to him means something more to him.

I will say this though, men are definitely not oblivious to love, for them i think love is the hardest thing that men can go through... (maybe, I'm not certain of this)

[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;257702]
WORD TO THE WISE: If a boyfriend exhibits behaviors or attitudes that are unacceptable to you, but, you believe "I can fix him"--don't. You cannot. You are not the first to think this way and the results are generally always negative. Do not hang on to a guy and whisper "I love you" into his ear in the hope less desirable characteristics or traits will change in time. Wrong. Do not tell a person "I love you" just to keep him, have a guy in your life, or, not to be alone. Double wrong.
[/QUOTE]

I'm a tad confused, because shouldn't love mean to love a person through all of their faults? I don't expect my bf to change, maybe over time on his own, but not because I say I love you...but in that respect, doesn't love create change in the dynamics of a relationship?

> ...is there a certain length of time that can determine whether or not love can emerge from a relationship?

No, not really. The dynamics for each couple is different.

> I'm going through something kind of similar, except we've been dating for quite awhile. I told him "I love you" six months into our relationship.

How long have the two of you been dating? If your boyfriend cannot reciprocate within a few months of hearing this declaration from you--and certainly within the next six months, then why are either of you in the relationship?

> Personally, I think people rush into the whole "love" feeling too too often.

Too too soon, also, IMHO.

> But my bf told me that he wants to reserve that word for a later time, when he knows this because love to him means something more to him.

As noted above, when is the lad going to know? Keep in mind, as discussed in one of the articles, there is a difference in "I love you" and "I am in love with you". He may not understand the differences. On the other hand, he may be stringing you along under the notion of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" scenario. He may be thinking why make any declarations if I don't have to.....

-----

> I'm a tad confused, because shouldn't love mean to love a person through all of their faults? I don't expect my bf to change, maybe over time on his own, but not because I say I love you...but in that respect, doesn't love create change in the dynamics of a relationship?

I apologize for the confusion. What I was bringing to every reader's attention is that very often guys will exhibit behaviors that are socially and personally unacceptable, yet it is not uncommon to learn of a woman who will continue the relationship in the hope that I can change his controlling behavior, aggressiveness, meanness, abusiveness, stinginess, etc.

it will be about 9 months for us come the 16th, but he's been away for the 2 months during the summer for an internship but we talk. don't get me wrong, eventually i do want him to say the words, but it took me quite awhile...i guess my concern is what happens when the year is up...if he doesn't say the words then, then i'll leave, because i don't think it should take that long for that declaration to be met...even i'll have an idea of whether or not it'll work or not. we're both college students and we've seen each other about once or twice every month...this was a previous arrangement of mine b/c of my fear of becoming too physical too fast.

i've already had it set up in my mind that after a year and he can't declare the words, as in the heartfelt words (though technically he did 4 months in, but he was with his friends when he said this to me in a discussion) then, i'd make the decision to walk away. i do love him, but i don't want to keep him from something good or better...I mean after all, everyone deserves someone who they consider to be their best...

By the way, to halfBreed, I'm sorry that I took a hold of this thread, but i feel that ths is something quite relatable to what's on going in my relationship as well.

Dating for 3 months ?!?! That's all?!?!

Jeez!

I don't listen to a man until I've known him for two years let alone told him something as personal as 'love you'.

I think to say it when you feel comfortable and everything is going well.
with me i usually wait about 2 months before i say it, I have had females say it before after knowing me for 2 weeks. It all depends on the person i believe

> i usually wait about 2 months before i say it, I have had females say it before after knowing me for 2 weeks. It all depends on the person i believe

No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

I think we've had a similar question a while ago on this thread:http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/dating-new-relationships/28949-soon.html...
(about a guy wanting to tell his girl how much he loves her, but does that matter?)

Love is a peculiar thing based on a lot of chemicals flying around. But then; all emotions are in essence... and we don't worry about that all the time do we? In my opinion, people worry to much and speak too little with the voice of their heart. Try to tell the person just how you feel. If 'I love you' seems to fit your affections towards this person, than that's it. Not because you're obligated to wait/to hurry up speaking it out. Cause really: there is no preset timeline! AND remember: Don't say what you don't feel, cause that equals to a lie (bad foundation under your relationship). In the future, you may question the sincerity of the phrase as well... 'Love you honey, bye!' means nothing unless it's felt. Without feeling it means as much as 'I cheese sandwich you' (quote movie: 'love and sex').

The above being a sort of summary of the below:
[QUOTE=RedRoses;256251]Everything the others have mentioned is very true... Love is really easily mixed up with lust. It could take you 6 months up to 1 year to 'loose' those hormons that initially set you on fire(!) This video is quite clear about the stages of a romantic relationship (though it is a bit de-romanticizing, esp when you're in the first stages ;)) [url=http://www.videojug.com/interview/the-life-cycle-of-a-relationship]The Life Cycle Of A Relationship (Love & Dating: Committed Relationships)

All this aside; I think it's sweet you want to tell your girl that you love her :) After all; the meaning of love isn't at all that limited (no dictionary is going to help you with that!). Perhaps there's lust going on... Perhaps you're totally idealizing her right now... So what! Does that make you 'feel' any different? So why not tell someone you love her, when that's the way you feel? People do it all the time; even when they have a crush, they send 'I-love-you'-cards. You don't have to fall down on your knees telling her! Just after a little hug or whatever time seems appropriate. Maybe you don't want to go heavily on the future-part, but still: maybe she's just as dreaming about that as you are... You could make the meaning as light or as heavy as you'd want it to be.

The thing you're pointing out: will she freak out? That's impossible to say since I don't know your girl! I guess you'd better judge this yourself. Personally, though it is impossible to compare one relationship to another, I wouldn't have freaked out if my bf had told me after about 3 months. In fact: I think that's just around the time I hesitatingly told him. He told me things such as 'you're so sweet' or 'I adore you' and I thought he might think 'I love you' was too much... He didn't think that at all! He just feels like 'I love you' sounds so formal. So he still uses those other phrases till this day! It's the meaning of the words that count, not the words itself. In my opinion, people worry to much and speak too little with the voice of their heart... (and yes: I can't say I'm not one of them, but I try :))

Ok, so now you have been given some thoughts of the 'romantic-yet-always-hungry-for-analysis' type of girl as well ;)
Hope this post will help you. Good luck![/QUOTE]

People: you have got to accept that what you're feeling may in fact be INFATUATION, not love.

Also, if you say "I love you" before the other person is ready to hear and accept it - they will feel OBLIGATED to say "love you too" when they DON'T just to 'not hurt your feelings' or the other person thinks you're a weakling/obessessive/possessive/seeking an emotional rescue - and he/she runs to escape from you.

Is that what you want?

I didn't think so. Stop being so emotionally 'easy' and SLOW DOWN.

If it really is love - it doesn't mind the wait.

One of the main reasons why the divorce rate is so high because of an indiviual love language isnt being spoken and kept topped up. Its not just what is said to each other. It's how things have changed over the years with more stress on the female and male to do well on things to make a good living to be happier in life which is part of a high divorce rate. I know of a few couples which have been together for over 25 years using the right system.
Not sure if anyone else has read " The five love languages by Gary Chapman". I think have brought up that book before in another post.
Some close friends of mine have read it and understand each other alot better now

What's the difference?

Infatuation is only supposed to last 3 months or so before reality sets in.

But what's the difference between love and infatuation? For me I don't think there was an infatuation phase, i was too busy guarding my heart from doing something stupid which happened 6 months in. Weird thing is he's willing to stay, but i'm the one wanting to leave or escape because I feel too confused over what I want and what we have.

I'd rather that he stays because he wants to be with me, not because I made "love" an anchor. Personally, if it ever comes down to me making someone love me because I said those words, it just makes me feel worse about the relationship.

Which by that logic means, that there's no point in trying anymore with mine

What's the difference?

Those who are infatuated are insecure. They're always seeking reassurance that they are 'loved' or 'needed'. There's something 'frantic' about their relationship. They have 'misunderstandings'.

Those who love, KNOW and therefore are NOT insecure in any way. They have a deep and abiding trust and respect for each other. Their relationship is calm and relaxed. They understand each other.

The divorce rate is what it is because people think infatuation and romantic love - that heady period - is what marriage is supposed to be all of the time. WRONG! Marriage is really all about 'attachment'. Attachment is when love in all of its majesty comes forth - well, more like you become aware of the love that was always there just beneath the surface. There's nothing 'heady' about it but you know you are beloved beyond any question and beyond any doubt.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;257872]What's the difference?

Those who are infatuated are insecure. They're always seeking reassurance that they are 'loved' or 'needed'. There's something 'frantic' about their relationship. They have 'misunderstandings'.

[/QUOTE]

You just basically read what phase I'm still in then...me and bf nearly broke up over our issue just yesterday with not enough time being spent with each other, and I did something kinda stupid, because I ended up giving him a bit of a deadline/ultimatum and then he finally told me how he felt when it came to me, that he felt like whenever he had to deal with my feelings, he felt like he was walking on shards of glass, so he's been afraid to strike up any stable communication with us, other when I'm in a panic mode :o .

Of course we expressed our blunt feelings via text before we talked to each other calmly on the phone.

Amazing...it's easier to talk and figure things out on the phone than via text or e-mail...(explanation for this one???)

But everything else? You hit it right on the head, no way around it or any loopholes, this has been the phase that I've entered 6 months+... and here I was thinking that I did believe that I loved him at this time. (smacks self for being so dense and stupid...)

Ugggggghh....love just got majorly confusing...:confused:

http://www.wikihow.com/Know-the-Difference-Between-Love,-Infatuation-and...

Sensual,

No, love is not confusing, but infatuation - "he loves me, he loves me not" - is confusing. If you have to ask, then NO, it isn't love.

Dear Godess,
Forgive me if I'm being out of line here. But I notice that you have much fear... You have been guarding your heart, been afraid of doing anything stupid. Seems like to me that you haven't been ready to admit to a feeling, to allow yourself to feel it. This fear could turn every other feeling, whether it be love, affection, into a negative thing... Could that be it? The thing that is confusing?

[quote]Also, if you say "I love you" before the other person is ready to hear and accept it - they will feel OBLIGATED to say "love you too" when they DON'T just to 'not hurt your feelings' or the other person thinks you're a weakling/obessessive/possessive/seeking an emotional rescue - and he/she runs to escape from you.

Is that what you want?[/quote]

Dear Kitten, Let me answer these situation from my point of view:

[INDENT]Someone who does not (yet) share the other's deep feelings... There's nothing wrong with growing towards eachother. Although there comes a time that the feeling comes this 'growing phase' should be over... The time comes when you want to see the other have these deep feelings too, truthfully. If not truthfully, than there comes a time when it's over, sad to say...

Someone who'd try to make a lie out of love, iow: saying it while not feeling it... Well, that's going to come out sooner or later! And than it is going to become ugly, cause honesty is your basic foundation. That basis is ruined and may very well be unable or unwilling to fix...

Someone who would interpret the expression of love and affection by thinking of you as a weakling/obessessive/possessive/seeking an emotional rescue? And as a result would run away? Than this person certainly isn't mature enough for you! Most likely: (s)he is hiding his own fear towards feelings in general, masking it with anger towards you... (S)he is apparently not worth your affection in anyway. And I'd advise anyone who'd encounter such a person to keep their head up high! And don't let their loss of strength become yours.
[/INDENT]
If it really is love - it doesn't mind the wait? Yes, a true word! But if you wait to avoid any of the above situations, it isn't really love and therefor a waste of time waiting for.

In my opinion: it is a misunderstanding that showing feelings makes you weak. If you're being truthful, it means that you are living in your own strength. There is great power in showing your feelings to another person and to do so without fear. How many have we had on this forum who were 'fearful'? How much courage does it take to truly express yourself? Come to think of it -as you've so many times pointed out on this forum, dear EEK, and I hope you do not mind me using it- "the moment to ... is the moment you overcome the fear". So I'm guessing the moment you should say 'I love you', would be when you've overcome your fear of it.

I am merely saying what has been replied by others upon hearing the "L-Word" from their partner when said partner was not ready to hear it. It is my belief that part of men's proverbial 'fear of committment' is in part due to being told "I love you" before they are ready to hear it - come on too strong and he's looking for an exit. Saying "I Love You" too soon can be interpreted as being 'pushy' and certainly a few months is waay too soon for "love".

You may acknowledge to yourself that you love this other person but telling that other person calls for more consideration and forethought.

I..can't use that word anymore...too many bad memories of things I don't want to share here...except to say, once spoken, the dynamic of a relationship is forever changed, if one is not ready or braced for the possibility of a result not anticipated for, alot of heatbreak, anguish and misery can result....

my personal bit of hard learned caution, prove me wrong :mad:

I think the phrase "I love you" is thrown around too much by people who do not yet understand the real significance of Love. With many young people (usually teens), might think that what they are feeling is love. Love is a very special thing, you will know when you love someone, I think 3 months is a bit short of time to love someone, then again i could be wrong.

[QUOTE=GreyShadow;257918]I..can't use that word anymore...

[/QUOTE]

that maybe a bit too rash, you think? I should be open to at least the possibility of oneday being able to say it again.

> I think the phrase "I love you" is thrown around too much by people who do not yet understand the real significance of Love. With many young people (usually teens), might think that what they are feeling is love.

This is what is referred to as "Puppy Love", or adolescent love. These feelings are a temporary infatuation, yet real. It is the beginning.

> Love is a very special thing, you will know when you love someone, I think 3 months is a bit short of time to love someone, then again i could be wrong.

For the inexperienced, I do agree.

As a guy myself, I find that I cannot wait for the day when I settle down with a woman. I appreciate that this may be more of an unusual occurrence from a guy, but I find that I myself am an emotionally up front person. My policy for myself is be open an honest. But this usually results in women that I do like just backing well away.

I guess it is kind of like the good guy vs bad guy scenario. It is proven that many women are attracted to the bad guy because he exhibits all the characteristics of being the strong alpha character who is able to protect and provide. This is common in nature so of course it should be common in humans too, but I find it humouring to find that women fear pushing this man away because they love him. Whilst at the same time the good guy is out there who is emotionally open to love without fear of the feeling or emotion and yet he cannot tell a woman he loves her because she would back well away.

The more I look at people and women and men I see that there really isn't that much of a difference, biologically we work and look different, however if you stand back a little bit then we are essentially the same. Or should I say that a characteristic shown by a selection from men can also be shown from a fairly similarly sized selection of women.

I don't know what people think about that but I would be interested to hear/read your thoughts.

In terms of saying more in a text or email than over the phone, I think this is to do with emotional detachment that this communication form provides. You don't have to deal with a person directly, you don't have to hear their voice cracking up or watch their face so it is easier. Sad to say but out of sight out of mind runs along a similar theme. It's nothing to do with us individually, it is simply how humans work biologically. We don't feel quite the same feelings when it isn't a live confrontation so we can process things more and let our inner emotions run away with us rather than having to contend with the other persons emotions.

They back away because you are being more emotionally open than they expect and are therefore coming across as NEEDY at best and CREEPY at worse and that has nothing to do with being a bad or a nice guy.

To put this into more male-friendly terms:

Being too upfront emotionally is like you're hunting deer by crashing through the forest making as much noise as humanly possible while playing a boom box at full volume.

CHILL - you're scaring the girls!

haha I like the male friendly analogy, yeah I see what you are saying and I agree. I often wonder, what would I do if a woman was completely up front with me? I'd probably bolt like a scared dear. Or freeze like a rabbit in the headlights.

I have always wondered about a similar question. When is it the right time to tell a girl (in this case my BFF) that I am in love with them. I have known my BFF for six fantastic months now and I am madly in love with her. Any advice?

joel it seems that you are in love with love or just want a woman in bed to have sex with and cuddle. how can you be in love with your bff and in another thread state you want to have sex with your step sister. you need to slow down and think about what your feeling. this isn't some cheesy romantic comedy where you tell someone you love them and they instantly feel the same way. you only want sex and you would like to have it with someone you actually like. for a second stop thinking with your little head and think with your big head. I'm guessing that you have never been on a date with her and she thinks that you two are only platonic. if she felt differently she would probably send messages either for a relationship or friends with benefits.

[QUOTE=joel r;266936]I have always wondered about a similar question. When is it the right time to tell a girl (in this case my BFF) that I am in love with them. I have known my BFF for six fantastic months now and I am madly in love with her. Any advice?[/QUOTE]

Here's some advice: don't lie to her by telling her that you love her. Because you don't, since you want to have sex with your stepsister so badly. Big916 is right. I was okay about the stepsister thing before. But now I don't know what to think.... you are in lust and just want to have sex.

Anyway, to the OP, I think 3 months is too soon, and you are just infatuated with him. As EEK said SO many people get infatuation confused with love. I was a little shocked when I read about someone saying "I usually say it after 2 months"... as if falling in love is a common thing that happens in every single relationship.
If I were you I would hold it back for a bit longer. You can keep thinking it to yourself and wait for the right time to actually say it. It'll be hard keeping it in but it's better than saying it too fast. Anyway, if at that point you still feel in as much bliss as you were the first day you started dating, then maybe it'll be a more appropriate time to come up with the "L" word. :) If you weren't that close when you first started dating, then I think at LEAST a year would be appropriate. If you knew him well for awhile before, then maybe as soon as 6 months.

I knew my boyfriend for 7 years before any "I love you"s were said (we had only been actually dating for 5 months, but were best friends for the years before that). And the only reason it came up so soon was because we had just gone through a big trial in our relationship and came out of it even closer than we were before. By that time there could be no doubt that it was real love :)

I'm also really unsure what I'm looking at here... Is this a sudden feeling erupting or was the feeling there longer? As long as lusting for the stepsister? Or are you perhaps confused yourself over all you're feeling and craving?

Though love and lust may be separable, the two also are many times confused and expressing love is sadly too often misused to obtain sex. Given this particular situation; you may be at risk of losing your best friend due to mistaking lust for love. It's typical you call her a bff after "only" 6 months btw... I personally know bonding can go deep and strong in a short time and sometimes people just match and click as easy as Lego. But it may also very well indicate that you get overly excited too soon when it comes to your emotions. So; please Joel, speak up and give us some light in the dark you got us wondering in!

Or... were you perhaps trying to pull a 04-01 on us? ;)

One thing is certain - this isn't love - not after merely 6 months it isn't

reading some of the responces i have come to the following conclusions:
I constantly mistake lust for real love. I think maybe I am just really confused about love and let my emotions overwhelm me. Lots of times I am too quick to utter that three letter word when maybe "in lust" or "in like" is a better way to describe my state of emotions. I think maybe the reason I have recently been going after my BFF is because its way too awkward with my
step-sis. I need to be more of a brother with my step-sis and maybe I am simply projecting my feelings on the other girls?

yes good you're getting it:) I'm glad that you have decided to not make a move on your step sister. i think you need to release some of your sexual energy or more of it if you are already. as for your friend really think it through if this is worth acting on. i don't know if you two would be a great couple maybe, but if you don't feel or see any messages from her (and don't chose to see what you want to see) then I'm sure you think risking your friendship is not worth it.

Thanks again you guys. I have a better understanding of my emotions in this case now.

I think u should wait untill he donot give u some signs to u for expressing ur feelings..if he is interested in u...definitely he will give u preffernce than others..and express ur feelings when u feel that its a right time...

Depends on person but even after 3 months he can turn into an untrustworthy person you dont know him..do you even know his family. just wait and see, I LOVE YOU, these days are words tossed around with no meaning..

I think you should tell them now , never wait for telling them that you love them . Love never stop loving to other , Love never die !

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But love can and does die. ONe of the fastest ways of making a person run for the hills to get away from you is to scare him or her by being too emotional - too deeply involved far too quickly.

Quite rightly - find and read the sticky post The Warning Signs.

It differs in every scenario. Alright, so when someone dates for about 3 months and really like the partner, it's good to approach him/her provide you know something about your partner. Don't approach blindly without knowing much information about the partner. Why do we have to be so careful? it's the moment of life. You know? you are going to finally decide a person as whom you are willing to travel with all through your life successfully. So ensure that you guys din't have any negativity or arguments within you two. If you are sure of all these, go, say now, why do you wait for?