This article was written primarily for teen girls who were raped or abused sometime in the past. While not a cure-all sure-fix, the following information provides thoughts and ideas for victims and their boyfriends to help deal with the emotions and trauma of the past. If you are a girl/woman who has been raped or abused; if you are a boy/man who is in a relationship or contemplating beginning a relationship, you are invited to read the suggestions and ideas that follow.
UNDERSTANDING--
First, does your boyfriend/husband really get the seriousness of the emotional damage that was done to you by the rapist or abuser? I doubt it, because he has not lived it, and is a male who can often just get on with things that he was not involved with personally.
I have done a lot of reading on the matter and thought I knew how to handle a person's feelings and could understand what a woman was having to live with, but, I did not--not until I felt truly violated in another way when my first wife left and had a male friend enter the house with her and help move her out. I was out that evening and upon returning home found the house disturbed and her belongings gone. I learned later who had helped her; I felt very violated, also experiencing a loss of control by this man being in my home, even though my wife had invited him. It took a couple of years to get over the feeling.
Second, have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend or husband and share your emotions and concerns with him. You do not have to share the actual details, just what is swarming around in your head after the fact.
Third, ask for and enlist his help and support and tell him what you need from him. He is not a mind reader. (Guys need the dots spaced very close together as well as being connected!)
Fourth, you must know and understand that the rape was not your fault. It is never a woman's fault. This was a personal attack that was perpetrated upon you by one or more controlling individuals. The act of rape is rarely a sexual experience, it is instead motivated by and one of control and power.
ESTABLISHING TRUST--
Logically, you have to know that not all men are like this one bad guy or guys. That said, you then have to believe that, unless and until your man or any other man gives indications of behaving any other way than honorable and respectful, you can and should trust him. Although trust is earned, in order to initiate trust in the beginning, each of us must give a little to the other person sufficient to get the relationship started and off the ground. That done, the rest is earned through the behavior, deeds, and, accomplishments we give to each other.
It is counter productive to have the attitude that because the rapist proved to be bad, all guys therefore must be suspect. (How often have you heard a woman declare: "I don't trust any man?") This is saying in essence that I will trust you only if you successfully meet the following conditions (A, B, C, etc.), first. More often than not, what happens next is that whether he fails to meet one or more of those expectations or not, you will continually test him to see if he will eventually fail. The result is relationship stagnation.
MOVING FORWARD--
Fifth, as your relationship gets underway and in order for it to develop, do not make sex or intercourse your goal or objective.
Make intimacy the objective. Learn to cultivate intimacy by spending lots of time hugging, snuggling, kissing, whispering sweet nothings; and, maybe even just talking about stuff that isn't all too important.
Sixth, please read the articles listed in the Index by all authors regarding dating and relationships. Follow these up with the information on fooling around and making out. Do this individually or together. Discuss what you have learned.
CONNECTING WITH YOUR PARTNER--
Keep your relationship at the Necking or Petting stage for as long as you desire. Do not be in a rush to finish with intercourse. You can, when the time is right, finish with hand and/or oral stimulation and achieve much more intense orgasms. (Think months not weeks, and certainly not days! with regard to Necking and Petting, before moving on to Foreplay and later, intercourse.)**
Seventh, discuss the information learned from reading the many articles and how you can implement the how-to's into your own relationship.
Eighth, understand that great relationships are formed not by what we take in order to get; rather, by what we give each other in order to receive. Do not hesitate to trust your boyfriend. Give him the benefit of the doubt, your initial level of trust, and proceed from there. If he is worthy, he won't disappoint in a major way, although he could in small irritating ways as he grows, learns, and, matures.
Ninth, make your next move only when you are ready. (As an aside to this, read the articles that discuss "Implied Consent" and "Boundaries", just to help keep the "ball" rolling yet under control.)
** FELLAS: It is extremely important that you know and understand the physical and emotional damage that has occurred. Never trivialize or discount the damage done to body and psyche. Implied Consent gives you the tool to proceed with your level of familiarity and intimacy; although, this does not mean you can nor should go to the next boundary full speed ahead. What I mean by this is to take your time exploring and moving to the next level. Think slowly and in half-inch steps, particularly when in the area of the vulva and breasts. Give her as much time as she requires in order to become comfortable with your fingers or lips on these areas. You do not have to move hesitantly. Slowly over time is what is often called for. Do not make a rush for the finish line. Sneak up on it all the while letting her get used to what you are doing that is much different than what was done to her. If this requires dallying in one place for several seconds or minutes, so be it. What you are helping her do is replace the old damaged scripts in her head with new positive loving ones, as well as gain confidence in and trust in you. Respect her boundaries and as pointed out in one of the articles, "NO" means [COLOR="Red"]STOP[/COLOR]!
Next, please read the articles listed under the heading "SEX e.g. INTERCOURSE" in the Index.
THE SUPPORT FACTOR--
Tenth, whether a girl or a woman, if you are struggling with the emotional trauma of the past, please do seek counseling from a therapist knowledgeable with the concerns of rape victims. If money is of concern, consult your doctor, a minister, community rape crisis center, or the health department for a referral. Very often there are people who offer their services at a reduced fee or ability to pay.
If you are a girl and need someone to talk with and confide in other than your mother, please consider going to an aunt or grandmother living close by or a trusted adult woman friend who can help you with your questions and concerns. What about your school nurse? Yes or no, you can always visit your local Planned Parenthood on your own. If a relative is available, she can also intercede on your behalf with your parent(s). Never assume that your mother or father is not your confidant.
(RE)ESTABLISHING AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP--
As a girl or young woman, many of your questions regarding how to jump start a relationship will probably be answered in one or more of the articles listed in [URL="http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/index-sexinfo101-board-topics/22777-begi..."]the Index found at the top of the main screen.
I hope this is of help to you and your boyfriend or husband. Got questions? After doing your reading assignments, please do not hesitate to ask.
um..... one of my ex gfs is actively planning on raping me and having my kids though so.... yeah, kinda weird/scary. any advice? (besides reporting her since i have no proof?):confused:
How about putting some mileage between the two of you?
Then don't give out your new contact information.
Rape is often treated lightly, even as a joke, by men - until it happens to them. (Think prison, guys.)
Rape is NOT a joke.
There is also something which Doc did not mention: those men related to the raped girl/woman also suffer a kind of trauma - they failed to protect and defend her. They were not there when she needed them. Dealing with the guilt of this failure mkes it difficult for these men to help support her now. This is why marriages where the wife has been raped often end in divorce.
It does not have to.
The guilt, anger and shame that the men feel can be atoned for by helping her now. This is when she can really use your courage and devotion. She needs your strength to help rebuild her own. This will not be easy nor will it be quickly done. You will have to curb your emotions while encouraging her to express hers. Above all - do not fight or argue.
Counseling can help.
Talking to experienced rape counselsors can help. The biggest issue is rage. Both parties will be filled with burning rage they are barely able to control. Often this rage is turned against themselves. Do not do this - talk openly with your counselor and take the counseling seriously.
Prosecute!
Get the DNA and a lawyer and go for the rapist's throat. Focus on stopping this monster. This is a legtimate outlet for your rage so use it to give you the energy and courage you need following your lawyer's advice.
Good Luck!
May your rapist rot in Hell!
All joking aside, IS it possible for a woman to rape a man, anus not involved. I would think the logistics of being unwilling would make erection and therefor sex impossible
Roofies? Or would that, again, negate the erection?
I suppose it might be but I wouldn't like to place a bet on it.
The classic definition of "rape" is the unlawful and unwilling forcing of a woman to have intercourse. Some definitions include those sexual acts that do not include intercourse, also.
How does each state and country define the term? In other words, where is it "rape" {involving intercourse) and sexual assault {forcing a man to undress against his will and participate in sexual acts other than intercourse). Some dictionaries define "rape" as all of the above.
It is rare, although, not unheard of that a woman has been charged with rape.
i do think women can rape men......might be unwanted but can be forced...and i do think it could cause mental strain or truama or something..
Statistically it is less common, apparently males tend to be more sexually aggressive. But sadly: there are men who are raped by women. They are forced into having intercourse or get sodomized. Yes, it is physically possible for a man to have an erection while they are unwilling and fearful. And although sodomy is often differentiated from 'rape', I think it both accounts for the same horrible experience of forced penetration... So as much as I'd like to say we women are peace-loving creatures, that is sadly a myth.. Women do rape, abuse their husbands and commit murder...
Laws in different countries tend to give a different definition to it. By law over here, rape is defined as unwilling penetration of the body, so could be mouth, anus as well. You could also be convicted for rape when forcing someone to have penetrative sexual acts with you, or: when you've forced someone else to penetrate the victim. I think the latter was added by Iuris Prudentia. The word 'rape' therefor accounts for the horrible experience of being forced to all sorts of penetrative sexual acts. (Yes, I know: shivers running down my spine, as I'm trying to type this in a bit of an objective way. My head keeps screaming: how sick can people be?!)
By law there is a specific case that I think does wrong to the word 'rape'. When the victim is a minor, the definition changes, as the term 'unwilling' is skipped. This totally changes the definition, horrible experience, trauma of that awful word! Cause this minor could have been willing and was enjoying, yet is made a victim... I do understand that there needs to be an age defined for sex, in order to protect youngsters. But I'd say it's wrong to keep the same term... Cause it gives a sense that a rape victim could have been willing... even: enjoying... That's so dead wrong!
If I'm correct, that's called 'statutory rape' in English, so at least some countries/languages are differentiating it in a bit better way...
my boyfriend and i were both abused from the ages of 8-16yrs old me by two men one my uncle who is 5yrs older than me (he used to say he was going to rape me when i was old enough )and the other one a "dirty old man"who boarded at my grandmothers house.They both used to force me to perform oral on them.My boyfriend was raped (sodomised)by his older brother.I never felt comfortable in myself or in my desire to please a man till now.Maybe because we really can understand the hurt and disgust we both felt back then,my man doesn't force himself on me(by the way my ex husband did rape me a few times during our marriage and sexually abused our children:i left him because of that)and i don't make my boyfriend do anything to me if he doesn't feel up for it,i wanted to kill myself because i thought it was all my fault and i was terrified of the day i would be raped by my uncle.I'm glad i am still around or i wouldn't have lived to give birth to my 3 children or have a wonderful man who loves and treats me respectfully
This is always a tradegy, I can`t add anything new here... Only that I saw the research papers on this topic, they are similar to this article.
EDITED: Removed link to commercial site. Mod. 3
wow... reading through this has made me kind of ashamed to be a man... it is stuff like this that really makes humanity scum. Luckily for every rapist there is a Mother Teresa to put good into the world.
This is why just 'thinking' you have consent is NOT enough.
You simply have GOT to be absolutely sure and the BEST way to do this is to go so far and then let them come to you of their own free will. This means you go 9/10ths and let them make the final decision to come that last 1/10th.
No harm/no foul - if they decide to abstain.
Remember, if you're going to indulge in adult fun - you'd best be adult about it.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;248812]The act of rape is rarely a sexual experience, it is instead motivated by and one of control and power.
[/QUOTE]
The act of rape is never a sexual experience. The act of rape is only an act of violence and has never been, is not now, nor will it ever be anything else.
[QUOTE=pai;252492]All joking aside, IS it possible for a woman to rape a man, anus not involved. I would think the logistics of being unwilling would make erection and therefor sex impossible
Roofies? Or would that, again, negate the erection?[/QUOTE]
You are wrong. when you have sex with a women who is not willing, she will resist in beginning. But in end they would have good sex. Most of men would have it if girl forces on him.
[QUOTE=sania;266983]You are wrong. when you have sex with a women who is not willing, she will resist in beginning. But in end they would have good sex. Most of men would have it if girl forces on him.[/QUOTE]
Maybe I don't understand this correctly... But there is no way a woman who is not willing will "magically" get turned on through being raped and they have "good" sex in the end! :eek: Also; a man who gets raped is just as foul. A woman who forces herself upon a man should know she is committing a crime. Even being erect doesn't make him willing (as referred to in my previous post). Men would have it when forced... as if a man can't say no! It is exactly this wrong attitude that makes it difficult for men who were violated to go to the police.
> You are wrong. when you have sex with a women who is not willing, she will resist in beginning. But in end they would have good sex. Most of men would have it if girl forces on him.
Sania, you are wrong--at least by any standards of behavior in western societies.
How do you define "rape"? In western cultures the term denotes the following:
a. the application of physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse
b. control over or sexual abuse of another who is unwilling to participate
Your response, above, demonstrates a fundamental lack of understanding concerning how women become aroused and how men become aroused. If you agree with the definition of rape, above, then what is it about the assault that will change a woman's mind in the end? For women, sexual arousal and pleasure are derived in a major way from her emotional well being and preparation. Men on the other hand can enjoy sex without necessarily being emotionally aroused.
Tie a man to a chair so he cannot physically resist and his aggressor, whether male or female, can physically assault him sexually. That he will have an erection is pretty much a foregone conclusion; that he will climax is also pretty much a foregone conclusion. Will he enjoy the assault? Will he enjoy the orgasm?
If he is an unwilling participant and powerless to resist the attack and not interested in becoming physically aroused by what the person is doing to him, how in the world can you say he will eventually have "good sex"? Oh, sure, the orgasm may be physically pleasurable, however, nothing else about the experience will be--and, more than half the enjoyment comes from a favorable emotional involvement. This example also holds true for women.
What really bothers me, Sania, about your reply, above, is why you would subscribe to the belief that rape is acceptable if the end justifies the means? Wouldn't it be much better and more pleasurable to have a willing partner? Please keep in mind that making love is a partnership. The process is not about what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other.
How do you define "love"?
How do you define "respect"?
How do you define "marriage"?
[quote=dancingdoc2;266993]> you are wrong. When you have sex with a women who is not willing, she will resist in beginning. But in end they would have good sex. Most of men would have it if girl forces on him.
Sania, you are wrong--at least by any standards of behavior in western societies.
How do you define "rape"? In western cultures the term denotes the following:
A. The application of physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse
b. Control over or sexual abuse of another who is unwilling to participate
your response, above, demonstrates a fundamental lack of understanding concerning how women become aroused and how men become aroused. If you agree with the definition of rape, above, then what is it about the assault that will change a woman's mind in the end? For women, sexual arousal and pleasure are derived in a major way from her emotional well being and preparation. Men on the other hand can enjoy sex without necessarily being emotionally aroused.
Tie a man to a chair so he cannot physically resist and his aggressor, whether male or female, can physically assault him sexually. That he will have an erection is pretty much a foregone conclusion; that he will climax is also pretty much a foregone conclusion. Will he enjoy the assault? Will he enjoy the orgasm?
Sania:- you are right. He will not enjoy . Definetely. But it is not that he will not do sex. Or he cannot perform sex. Sex is an act. Love making is different from sex where both partners enjoy the sex.
If he is an unwilling participant and powerless to resist the attack and not interested in becoming physically aroused by what the person is doing to him, how in the world can you say he will eventually have "good sex"? Oh, sure, the orgasm may be physically pleasurable, however, nothing else about the experience will be--and, more than half the enjoyment comes from a favorable emotional involvement. This example also holds true for women.
What really bothers me, sania, about your reply, above, is why you would subscribe to the belief that rape is acceptable if the end justifies the means? Wouldn't it be much better and more pleasurable to have a willing partner? Please keep in mind that making love is a partnership. The process is not about what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other.
How do you define "love"?
love is an affection for a person, and it has nothing to do with sex.. One can do sex without loving.
How do you define "respect"?
To maintain ones self esteem.
How do you define "marriage"?[/quote]
it is an agreement to live together for respectable sex live and helping each other for happy live, care for each other etc.
My only mistake is i have used word good sex. I should replace it by sex. Or sex without love. Or sex with hatred perhaps.
If a man ties a girl and carasses her, touches her, fingers her and slowly has intercourse, she would shout and resist in beginning but slowly she would comply and have sex eventhough she does not love him.
So even in rape she gets pleasure but with losing respect, with hatred, etc,.
[QUOTE=sania;266997]
So even in rape she gets pleasure .[/QUOTE]
Umm I have to call BS here.... Your twisted statement is wrong in so many ways.. and quite offensive...
Have you ever been raped? I quess NO
[QUOTE=sania;266997]If a man ties a girl and carasses her, touches her, fingers her and slowly has intercourse, she would shout and resist in beginning but slowly she would comply and have sex eventhough she does not love him.
So even in rape she gets pleasure but with losing respect, with hatred, etc,.[/QUOTE]
I have to agree with Nutty and call Bull Sh*t. It is precisely this attitude that helps rapists think it's okay to rape. The idea that even if a person says no, just keep going because they'll decide to agree in the end. Another one is the lie rapists tell themselves that if a person has an orgasm it's not rape.
No. Means. No. And if the other person does it anyway, it's rape.
just because our bodies have involuntary responses to sexual stimulation doesn't mean that it is enjoyable. a male can feel betrayed by his body because he received an erection while being sodomized. you have a sick view sania of what sex is and it is very offensive to say if they orgasm or get aroused then the rape is ok. people have serious trauma after these events. we are not here to please you and give you a "happy live" you don't own anyone.
Sania, that's a bunch of BS. I have never been raped (THANK GOD!) but one of my best friends since middle school was raped when she was I think 10 or 11 by her mom's boyfriend. Even now being out of high school for a couple of years, she's never been able to have a "normal" relationship and when she heard the guy that did it to her was getting out of prison, she had a HUGE panic attack and actually ended up having to be hospitalized... you can't tell me that she had "good sex" and enjoyed it... she found a nice guy and had a relationship with him, and when sex came up she went into a really scary phase where she was hardly ever sober, she was drunk every time I saw her and it scared me to death. I am so worried about her that she'll never have a normal life because of what this sorry excuse for a human did to her... I love her and I just want her to be happy, but some pig took it all away from her. She is a very strong girl but she just can't handle it, and I can't blame her.
Have you suggested that she seek professional counseling? If so what was her response? If not, why not?
From your description of events it would seem that your friend cannot get past the fact that all sex from all men is going to be bad sex. Even if she understands in her logical mind that such is not the case, she needs help placing things into perspective as well as managing the past trauma.
[QUOTE=pai;252492]All joking aside, IS it possible for a woman to rape a man, anus not involved. I would think the logistics of being unwilling would make erection and therefor sex impossible
Roofies? Or would that, again, negate the erection?[/QUOTE]
Yes, it is possible for a woman to rape a man. Both men and women of any age can be raped.
"I would think the logistics of being unwilling would make erection and therefor sex impossible"
Your concern is completely irrelevant any way you look at it because rape is not sex. Period. Rape is violence. It has nothing to do with sex other than the tools that are used to commit the crime are usually the sex organs.
Rapists don't need an erection to rape somebody. The raped don't need to get an erection to be raped. A rapist could use a baton, a stick, a baseball bat, a giant dildo coated with sandpaper, a finger, a fist, a boot -- use your imagination.
When you're talking rape, you're not talking sex at all -- you're talking 100% pure violence.
[QUOTE=RedRoses;258289]Statistically it is less common, apparently males tend to be more sexually aggressive. But sadly: there are men who are raped by women. They are forced into having intercourse or get sodomized. Yes, it is physically possible for a man to have an erection while they are unwilling and fearful. And although sodomy is often differentiated from 'rape', I think it both accounts for the same horrible experience of forced penetration... So as much as I'd like to say we women are peace-loving creatures, that is sadly a myth.. Women do rape, abuse their husbands and commit murder...
[/QUOTE]
Yes. However, women throughout the world can proudly boast that they are nowhere near as violent as men and women doing these horrible things to men are indeed very rare.
Men are clearly more violent than women. And, sadly, when a man attacks a woman with these vicious manners, it is almost always lethal.
Women need to do more to protect themselves from violence. This is one of the reasons why in the self-defense programs I use women are not allowed to practice on the mats with other women. The chances of another woman attacking and raping and killing another woman are about nill, while the chances of a man doing just that are very, very good these days.
Much of this violence could be avoided however if women would only do more to protect themselves. No, I am not talking about carrying guns and pepper spray and learning karate, though it never hurts to have a tool and know how to use it. I am talking about learning to pay attention to the inner signals that help to keep us all safe from violence in the first place. Keeping safe from violence is not only possible, but it is not as difficult as most people think. It is really actually a very simple thing, once the proper material is learned.
Your safety is yours. The responsibility lies with you and only with you. It is not the responsibility of your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend, the government, the police or anyone else -- but you.
Learn what to do in violence or perish. It's really that simple.
[QUOTE=sania;266997]
If a man ties a girl and carasses her, touches her, fingers her and slowly has intercourse, she would shout and resist in beginning but slowly she would comply and have sex eventhough she does not love him.
So even in rape she gets pleasure but with losing respect, with hatred, etc,.[/QUOTE]
It might sound sick to some to hear this, but it isn't. What you just said here might actually apply to some women. They might actually enjoy being raped in the manner you have described. But not all women are going to respond at all favorably to getting raped. It would be my guess in fact that the vast majority of them surely won't.
Furthermore, whether you or she or whoever enjoyed being raped or not does not make the crime any less of a crime, the victim any less of a victim or the rapist any less of a rapist.
In maintaining this attitude of yours about doing violence on others, you are surely flirting with disaster.
Don't let me catch you anywhere near any of the women in my life.
Friends, I never want to say that rape is acceptable in any condition. Rape is a rape.
While replying It seems I made some hasty comment somewhere. I was never talking of Rape as a good thing. It is an offence.
I was talking of this. Many times, a male has sex with a girl without her concent. What I wanted to say is that initially, she would not comply to him but slowly she would allow him to finish. She would even get sexually excited during it. and that was my contention.
And this is a Rape. I agree. It is wrong. I must have messed up with words somewhere. it seems.
Thats all.
[QUOTE=sania;267029]. Many times, a male has sex with a girl without her concent. What I wanted to say is that initially, she would not comply to him but slowly she would allow him to finish. She would even get sexually excited during it. .[/QUOTE]
More BS
I suggest SANIA it is time for you to stop posting in this thread.
You have no idea of what you are talking about and are becoming
rather offensive with your views....
Sania, I can't speak for everyone, but here's why I reacted so negatively to what you've said:
Some women DO decide they want it after all. They begin an encounter not wanting to take it all the way, and change their minds and consent. It does happen. I've done it. Started the evening not in the mood, but T hits just the right buttons and badda bing. I would not consider that rape.
As Poisian mentioned, some women like the rape role play. This would be where the sexual excitement you mention is. But the act and content of role play is consented to before anything starts and clearly defined limits are set. In my opinion, this becomes true rape only if those limits are broken. Communication is key here, because both parties must be crystal clear on what those limits are and what words/acts mean "Here's the limit, don't take this any farther."
Some women, sometimes upon threat with weapons, decide to let him finish because they feel their only other option is death. Some women climax/orgasm despite not wanting it to be happening. That climax does not mean she enjoyed it, and letting him finish so he doesn't kill you, doesn't mean you've consented.
And so I guess the reason I was so harsh about your comment is that you seem to say that a woman giving in and allowing the encounter to continue is a general rule--as in, this is how it works with women, in the end any woman being attacked will give in, let it continue, and even enjoy it. The reason this upsets me so, is that this idea is exactly what fuels some rapists to think it's okay to ignore the word no. "She doesn't mean it, she'll decide she likes it after all if I just keep going."
To see a woman seem to have that attitude makes me worry if she accepts acts she doesn't want because she thinks that as a woman she's required to.
[QUOTE=sania;267029]Friends, I never want to say that rape is acceptable in any condition. Rape is a rape.
While replying It seems I made some hasty comment somewhere. I was never talking of Rape as a good thing. It is an offence.
I was talking of this. Many times, a male has sex with a girl without her concent. What I wanted to say is that initially, she would not comply to him but slowly she would allow him to finish. She would even get sexually excited during it. and that was my contention.
And this is a Rape. I agree. It is wrong. I must have messed up with words somewhere. it seems.
Thats all.[/QUOTE]
Of course a girl will let him finish if the only other option s death. DUH.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;267016]Have you suggested that she seek professional counseling? If so what was her response? If not, why not?
From your description of events it would seem that your friend cannot get past the fact that all sex from all men is going to be bad sex. Even if she understands in her logical mind that such is not the case, she needs help placing things into perspective as well as managing the past trauma.[/QUOTE]
I agree with you, and I have told her that she should... she has done it in the past and it didn't work, so she says she's not going back to having to relive it again. She said that it made it worse to keep having to talk about it with a counselor. She just refuses. She's not usually a basket case, she only loses it when something happens to her to remember that traumatic event (and she doesn't abuse alcohol usually, either). She does certainly need help but she doesn't want to go back and get it. I'm not sure what else I can do to help her.
Thank you for the clarification, it is appreciated.
Unfortunately, people sometimes consult with the first professional they contact regardless of the specialty. A better approach is to interview the professional in order to learn how compatible the two of you are before getting down to business.
I once had a terrible time with an attorney who did not give eye contact, talked in a low voice that was sometimes hard to understand, and, who had her own recommendation without really asking what my goal or intent was. This is when I began interviewing people before turning my life and money over to them. This really hit home when I talked to three different financial planners before selecting one.
If it is true that every intimate act with a man is emotionally painful for her, yet she understands that most couples have a great sex life then perhaps she can write herself a new script and eventually move past the lingering hurt. To do this, she has to take control of her circumstances by talking to herself and reprogramming her logical mind.
Sania's comment was, and to some extent remains, offensive because he appears to think that ALL women have to be coerced/persuaded/beguiled, ALL of the time, to have sex with a man and that her saying NO is ALWAYS an act - because she REALLY wants it.
Stop thinking like this Sania. SERIOUSLY change your mind about this because if this is how you behave, you're heading for trouble.
Not ALL women need to be persuaded (etc) to have sex.
If she, or he, ever says NO - then NO it is and everything STOPS at that point and no justification(s)/reason(s) need to be given.
ANY person saying No aas part of a 'game' or 'act' is NOt a person you, or anyone, should be having sex with.
In response to the "not comply first, allow later"-thing. I get the feeling that this is about fast forwarding to possible sex, instead of not complying to the moment from the start.
At any moment of a sexual encounter there is a "stop" optional. A hug or kiss does not have to lead to intercourse. There are so many ways in which people can enjoy eachother! Once you come to that understanding with your (sex)partner, there is complete logic in that not every sexual act makes it magically into a wam-bam till finish, you will enjoy the experience every step of the way. And nobody is being "played" by the promiss of sex. Nor would it make a women "not comply" and change her mind later. You comply to the hug or the kiss or the pet, etc. It can end anywhere and either you or your partner can end it. I do realize that this understanding is most easiest achieved with a steady partner. I would wish everyone would think this way. Given not everyone does, I do understand how people at times call the stop earlier, fearing they may be leading on to something and trying to prevent disapointments of a person they may not know that well. That's your choice and right to do so. Just don't make it conflicting and confusing by turning no into yes; you are not only making it hard on yourself, but to every woman out there!
Either way; the moment you call NO or STOP or any safetyword prior discussed and your (sex)partner continues, (s)he is violating you and comiting a crime!
I agree with Poisian; yes there is great value in listening to your intuition! It's our greatest strength. And I agree many would profit from learning to really listen to it. It will keep you away from bad people and out of bad situations! Though I don't think that every bad situation can be avoided like that. Sometimes bad things do just happen to you. Let's alsonot forget these things are mostly done by the people you know, by those close to you, instead of the anonumous man in the bushes. So true; a lifevest may keep you from drowning, but it's not guarenteed nor was it made for every storm. Last but not least; whether you did listen to your intuition or not (the famous; "I had a bad gut feeling, but still went with him..." Or: "I should have seen it coming..."); it does NEVER make you less a victim nor should you blame yourself!
My sympathies and best wishes to your friend, dear xfiendfyre. I have the most admiration for (wo)men that try to survive and live after something terrible like that happening to them! I do hope she will have the strength to overcome it. Though I can imagine how hard it is to get at it again, after being disapointed by a counselor with who she had to share her deepest fears.
Just to clarify a potential mess up in formulating my thoughts ;)
[INDENT]"It can end anywhere and either you or your partner can end it. I do realize that this understanding is most easiest achieved with a steady partner. I would wish everyone would think this way. Given not everyone does, I do understand how people at times call the stop earlier, fearing they may be leading on to something and trying to prevent disapointments of a person they may not know that well."[/INDENT]
The "I would wish everyone would think this way" is off course not referring to having a steady partner, it is referring to the understanding sex can end anywhere :)
> Many times, a male has sex with a girl without her concent. What I wanted to say is that initially, she would not comply to him but slowly she would allow him to finish.
The key words are: "without her concent [sic]", and, "allow him".
Engaging in the sexual act without the person's consent is rape.
I am wondering if Sania's comments are the result of relationships which are arranged and not predicated upon the mutual love each has for the other. I can only guess at how women in such circumstances view sex, not to mention having any concept of love and romance.
and it is consent with an S - not concent with a c
this has really helped me :), i was raped by my teacher when i was 14, for 6 months, he would make me stay behind to "tutor" me, then grab me and gag me and rape me, finally i went for help and he was arrested but swears he will get me one day :/, my ex boyfriend wanted to have sex with me but i wasnt ready so i said no, then he said i was a whore and had do and raped me infront of all his mates who all then had a "go", but now im with mike and we love each other so much and im finally secure with myslef and my body and can but that all behind me :)
And men wonder why women tend to think of men as untrustworthy brutes.
There is a difference, fellows, between being a lapdog and being a total monster - find it.
cutechloe789,i'm so glad you are with someone who loves you,and that you feel secure in your own skin now.I wasn't raped as per se,but was forced to give oral sex to my uncle from age 8-16.I have only now in my 40's come to enjoy giving oral sex to my partner.And i have found that i'm considered a bj queen.When allowed free reign and able to control the situation, i am in my element.But when forced by someone i freeze and panic.I was raped during my marriage several times.Some men think that just because you wear a wedding ring and are committed to them that they can have you whenever they want.EEK is right,NO means NO whether you are married or not.And it applies to all kinds of behaviour by a partner,SO or anyone else.
I was raped my junior year of high school I remember walking home alone, I remember it being cold, then as I passed an ally I was grabbed and pulled, I struggled to get free but couldn't. The person told me to take off my clothes and give them to him. After I stripped he told me not to look at him. It felt like years when it was an hour my phone rang, it was my mom she wanted to know if I was okay but she could tell something was wrong because I was crying. The person told me to tell her I was fine, I didn't listen I told her I was kidnapped and being raped. Then I heard a loud bang and felt a sharp pain in my shoulder I fell to the ground dropping my phone. The man hung up my phone a hour later I looked at his face and he started choking me saying he was gonna kill me. Seconds later everything went black I was dead was my first thought. I woke up in a hospital with a weird thing around my shoulder so I couldn't move it. My mom and Dad were there they asked if I was alright and I said no and began crying again, I'll never forget what happened next, my brother comes in and says "I love you Katelynn." Three years of living with him being racist to me (I'm asian he's hispanic, I'm adopted) and then he says he loves me I smiled and tried to hug him but I collapsed in pain screaming. Angry doctors rushed over and yelled at me "DON'T MOVE YOUR DAMN SHOULDER!!!!" and my mom was all "FUCK THAT SHE NEEDS SOMEONE EH HEMM YOU TO STOP YELLIN AT HER!!" while me and my brother just talked and forgave each other when I said "I love you too Andrew." For a year after I blamed myself for the rape. Then I blamed my easily defining hair seeing as only I would have natural pink hair (don't ask how I have no freaking clue how just is) and then my depression worsened. I started cutting (still cut) and I attempted suicide. I now have stopped blaming myself don't have an urge to kill myself (though that might have been my new anti-depressant) and want to stop cutting.... it left scars.
I find it difficult to understand why an evil person's attack upon you would so erode your sense of self (the cutting) but then if your brother had been racist it would make some sense. Your brother basicly set you up to have no ego and then the rapist knocked down what little ego you had. The cutting then becomes a symbol that you own you, an 'independence' of a sort.
If you want to stop cutting - stop cutting. PErhaps if you imagined cutting your rapist? "Just saying thanks."
Counseling might help.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;272842]I find it difficult to understand why an evil person's attack upon you would so erode your sense of self (the cutting) but then if your brother had been racist it would make some sense. Your brother basicly set you up to have no ego and then the rapist knocked down what little ego you had. The cutting then becomes a symbol that you own you, an 'independence' of a sort.
If you want to stop cutting - stop cutting. PErhaps if you imagined cutting your rapist? "Just saying thanks."
Counseling might help.[/QUOTE]
This is a poem I just read in English
Definition
What defines a person?
Is it what they wear
What they like
What they eat
To all this I say no
A person
Is defined
by what they achieve
by what they do
and by who they love
Every person is defined by themselves