dating around is better if you are not particularly sure about who you are yet (you're too young and inexperienced and need to see, feel, and do new things so that you know what you really want). biggest negative with this is that you will never feel loved and will likely become cynical as you feel that other people are all pretty much the same (just wanting sex from a woman's point of view, just wanting someone to pay for stuff from a man's).

exclusivity is better if you know who you are and want to feel the support and love of really knowing someone and them knowing you. biggest negative about this is you can get bored, or you can invest a lot in someone and misjudge whether they feel the same way about you.

You set limits upon yourself unnecessarily when you go exclusive too quickly.
If during the course of dating many, you end up only dating the one - that's fine because then it is based upon experience and true compatibility and not just because ' you should'. Infatuated persons like to 'stick' right away which is not good. You cannot base a relationship upon infatuation. By waiting for that phase to pass before entering into an exclusive relationship, your chances of success are improved.

Relax and don't stick with the first person who asks.

Boys and girls are not "all grown up" having just gone thru puberty. The process begins before this and lasts a good decade! Puberty prepares the body for procreation; however, there is much more that must happen to complete a person's maturity.

One aspect of maturing is socialization.

* Preteens generally do not have an interest in the other sex.
* During early adolescence members of the same gender tend to flock together--girls with girls, boys with boys.
* Later on the friendship circles merge as girls and boys begin to do things in coed groups.
* As a person matures further, s/he continues the friendship group yet begins to seek out members of the opposite sex to date and pair up.
* The purpose of dating is to learn what humanity has to offer us in the way of personalities, characters, morals, religious values, likes, dislikes, quirks, desires, goals, etc.

The more individuals we date the better able we will be to recognize when Mr./Ms. Right comes along. Also, as we grow older, our personal tastes and desires change, therefore, the criteria we establish for a proposed significant other changes several times. If we only date one person we limit our options.

When we or the person we date wants to move on the relationship breaks up, usually painfully because we guys have all our emotional "eggs in one basket". Although painful for girls, also, it is less so because girls have more baskets with fewer eggs in each--in other words, more ways of handling the stress and drama and trauma. As young teens, we have few coping skills to handle the stress of this. In addition, we have yet to acquire and develop interpersonal skills necessary to interact with the other sex and this is where fighting enters its nastiness. Learning to negotiate differences, using "give and take" so each person feels their wishes and desires are being considered and met are skills that come along with much practice (with several people) and over time. An important strategy and life lesson is to "give in order to receive". Think about this and tell me what you think this means. All too often, relationships are all about "me" and what I want with little consideration for the partner.

Kids begin maturing at different ages, yet at fourteen you are probably not yet at the coed group level. Whether you are or are not, my point being you have not yet acquired all the emotional and social skills required to handle an exclusive relationship. Teens should date lots of people and sometimes more than one at a time. Keep these relationships open. Exclusivity comes years later and when you are ready to settle down. When we date non-exclusively, we eliminate the sense of "ownership". When a relationship ends, there will be far less drama and trauma to handle for which young people are less able to handle.

When we date more than one person at a time--
* there are more chances to date, and, more choices for where to go and what to do.
* By dating more than one person at a time, our circle of friends increases.
* By dating others, we expose ourselves to a variety of personalities as noted above.
* By dating openly and not exclusively, we are freer to move on when our interests and priorities change with maturity.

What people do not realize is that a couple can have the "togetherness" and the bonding and the sense of belonging without the entanglements. Therein lies one of the important purposes for dating and not just stopping with the first person who expresses an interest.

Date lots of people, learn about each, continue to mature, and as you do your skills, objectivity, and, insight will be much keener than if you do not. You will also have more opportunities for fun and building your circle of friends. You can do all the things you would do in an exclusive relationship, and, because both people want to be together, it flourishes, also. You just do not have the "ownership" that should not be a factor at any age or stage; thus no big problems to try and overcome when a relationship does end.

Teens should not have to deal with emotional problems they are not well equipped to handle. Furthermore, the need to be needed can still be satisfied whether dating one person or several openly. Remember, each relationship exists because both people want it to, so why burden yourselves needlessly by wanting to have a girl- boy-friend in which commitment is understood, not expected or demanded?

How to say this nicely? Can't be done. Okay.

GROW UP.

Stop clinging to your high-school playbook and get on with being an independent adult male. Now is your time for wild oats, sport-dating, and playing the field. Do not mess it up. You do not want women to be your friends, you want them to be your lovers. You're not going to get that if you continue acting like a puppy. Believing in a 'soulmate' is to guarantee failure and will seal your status as a beta-male.

In this context, dating around is not only 'moral' it is mandatory.

Your parents may be telling you more than you're actually hearing. I suggest you start listening to their hidden message and get your butt out there before all of the best women are married to other men. Do you really think the other men are having this same problem? Nope! They're just telling you that they are to keep you out of their way.

aparently kitten doesn't believe in true love... im not sure why (she doesn't or that i do) but i always will... i guess something about the idea that theres a crap ton of women who live in this area who are my are theres not a single one i couldn't fall in love with and stay that way for the rest of my life just doesn't sit right with me. granted i've had more bad luck dealing with this than good luck but i'd rather strive for whats greater and fail than settle for average.

So what are you going to do, sit in your living room window and watch who walks by in hopes that Ms. Perfect will someday? How will you know unless you begin sitting on the front porch where you can call out to her and try and engage in a bit of conversation?

You seem to want perfection and we are here to tell you that it is rare. People fall in love, hook line and sinker based upon what they see and hear and then spend the rest of their lives together making things near perfect.

If you want to find Ms. Right, best take our recommendation to actively seek your ideal mate and do it by dating lots of women and exposing yourself to as many as possible; otherwise, I'm afraid you are doomed to grow old in that rocking chair watching the seasons change, yet not interacting with anyone on the street.

Are you a perfectionist? Whether yes or no, there is nothing wrong with setting high standards, although, they should be realistic.

no im not and i am bedridden with mono lol so sitting here by the window will have to do for now... and no i can't actively go out looking for her because that kind of thing never works for me... i have to do what i like and ill meet her that way. hell i may never meet her or she may not exist like kitten says but one part of me is too smart to settle for less and the rest is too stubborn to change. then again i might just be stupid and stubborn but we will have to see what the future brings to truly find out!

True love? OF course it exists but, once again, you have to go and find it - it does not - EVER - come to you. True love also does not hit you like lightning. It sneaks up on you from behind and when you finally see it - you realise it was always there, quietly waiting for you to catch up. True love is also found where you don't expect to find it, where you never dreamed you'd find it.
That's why it is from dating around that it comes.

'Settling for average' is what happens when you just do the one-at-a-time thing. You have spent so much time and invested so much effort in this one person that you are reluctant to let him/her go - so you end up marrying i.e. "settling". You find time and life passing you by, so you end up "settling" for what you think you can get from the person you happen to be dating at the time. This 'one-at-a-time" thing simply is not WISE.

odis - Please stop thinking that I do not know what I'm talking about. I am not just speaking from my own personal experience. I have seen it in others and have seen their relationships both good and bad. Inter-gender relationships is a fascinating study which I have been following, most comprehensively, for about 40 years now.

Im far from exclusive.. but I also dont "date around". Im single.. i avoid relationships, and pretty much just have a couple of 'regulars' -- fuckbuddies. But, we dont date. And, if something else comes up, ill go for it if I want to -- I owe the girl nothing. And they know this from the start (but.. i think they think im joking when it comes up..)

Anyway, the reason is because I get really bored, really quicky. So, this way.. if things are starting to go stale, its fine if we take a breather from each other for a few weeks at a time. We dont have to constantly live in each others pockets. Or even to just say "look love, time to move on" and their is no emotional investment from me.. so, it suits me.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;232605]

odis - Please stop thinking that I do not know what I'm talking about. I am not just speaking from my own personal experience. I have seen it in others and have seen their relationships both good and bad. Inter-gender relationships is a fascinating study which I have been following, most comprehensively, for about 40 years now.[/QUOTE]

i am sorry i didn't mean to imply that and i did missread your post. but i have never thought you didn't know what you were talking about, i just have differences of opinion with you, no more than that.

We all want to be meaningful in someone else's life but that does not mean automatic exclusivity. If you're looking for one-in-a-million - your use a net, not a single hook on a fishing pole. I understand you think you have your whole life to find her. You don't - not really, because women's time frame for finding him is much shorter than a man's. She has a limited number of child-bearing years, you see. So she's hunting for him - now, during her 20's and maybe into her early 30's but not much longer than that. Generally speaking, of course. And for all you know - that 'random girl' you passed by may just have been the one for you. You will never know because you did not ask.

Not really - you learn how to deal with that specific person and problems. That person is unique and the problems may also be unique to that relationship. With diversity comes an increased level of knowledge and more opportunities to learn. By being exclusive you also cannot directly compare and contrast - seeing similarities and differences - in real time. You can also ask "why" more effectively - as in "why would a girl do this" to another girl and not seem threatening since it is not something she herself did.

Let us turn our attention now to issues known as "entitlement/ownership". If you are exclusive from the start - it is much more likely that you will come up against 'dates' who feel that you have to account for every minute of your time to her, be at her beck and call 24/7/365, and so on. You are also much more likely to confuse her jealousy with devotion when jealousy is only a need to control and to own - a cover for poor self-esteem. But in the heady days of infatuation - you, by being exclusive - are more likely to feed into this sort of situation than if you had NOT been exclusive from the outset.

I am a little confused by this topic to be honest. When I think of exclusive, I picture going on dates with several different people. After a while, you will probably feel a strong connection with some and end up having sex. Then eventually, you will find the one that you connect the most with and you establish a typical boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with them and you stop dating/sleeping with other people.

When you say dating around, do you mean that you just date and have sex with more than 1 person at a time even if one of those people would be considered to be your girlfriend/boyfriend? By this logic, you are free to have sex with anyone you choose until you are engaged and your girlfriend/boyfriend should be doing the same.

I just want some clarification here.

"When you say dating around, do you mean that you just date and have sex with more than 1 person at a time even if one of those people would be considered to be your girlfriend/boyfriend? By this logic, you are free to have sex with anyone you choose until you are engaged and your girlfriend/boyfriend should be doing the same."

YES!!!

You do not have 'to have deep feelings' for someone to enjoy sex with them. Sex is NOT love and love is NOT sex - do not be confused on that point. Liking him/her is enough. Sex = play while love = deep emotional bond.

You go exclusive when afianced and/or married, if that is what you BOTH desire. Not before then.

I see the idea behind dating around and how it could work for some people but I myself could never do that being as I'm an extremely protective person when it comes to my girl.

Those who date around are basically seeing what they want out of a woman while simultaneously fulfilling their sexual desire. One of my most guilty moments is when I truly wanted someone else other than one of my x's. Mainly, at younger ages our urges are just too fluctuate to settle down with a single person. Under sexual desire dating around is a better idea. But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter.

Like everything else this should be analyzed on a case by case basis, there is not one absolute for everyone.

[QUOTE=Brennen;235895]I see the idea behind dating around and how it could work for some people but I myself could never do that being as I'm an extremely protective person when it comes to my girl.
[COLOR="blue">
"Protective" how? There is a fine line between watching out for the well being of our partner, and, controlling his/her every move or activity.

A relationship is a partnership in which two autonomous adults join together to make a life greater than their individual parts. People join together because they want to; therefore, there is no need for control and loss of freedom.[/COLOR]

Those who date around are basically seeing what they want out of a woman while simultaneously fulfilling their sexual desire.

[COLOR="blue">Not necessarily so. Dating is suppose to be a way for people to meet and learn about each other in a closer setting than is possible from casual friendship or circles of friends. Dating is designed to bring us into contact with others in order to learn about their characters, personalities, likes, dislikes, whims, moral values, etc. in non-exclusive non binding friendships. By sidestepping the "ownership" or exclusivity you do not have to deal with all the drama and trauma that often accompanies these relationships when things go wrong or the relationship ends.

I do not agree with you that it is all about sex. What it is about is learning what humanity has to offer us in potential partners/mates. It is also about learning what we like and value in others as a way to help us determine when Mr./Ms. Right comes along.[/COLOR]

One of my most guilty moments is when I truly wanted someone else other than one of my x's. Mainly, at younger ages our urges are just too fluctuate to settle down with a single person. Under sexual desire dating around is a better idea. But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter.

Like everything else this should be analyzed on a case by case basis, there is not one absolute for everyone.[/QUOTE]

This is precisely the point: There should not be any "ownership" of a relationship that is comprised of a partnership. A man does not own or control a woman, and vice versa. You do things together. So, while you may guide the direction your daily lives take, it is done with her cooperation.

You should not get to this level of belonging until you are ready to settle down and marry. Dating openly as used to be the case a couple can do all the things and have all of the things yet be free to date others if desired all in the hope of finding the ideal partner. When you restrict yourself to an exclusive relationship you limit your opportunities and your horizons and your experiences. Exclusivity should come later, not sooner.

As an example, let's say you date three women at the same time. You may be intimate with one, two, or all three. It just depends. Dating is not about getting laid and your rocks off. Dating is a venue for learning and this is what people nowadays fail to comprehend.

"But psychologically it is better to be exclusive to at least lower feelings of jealousy or selfishness, I sure as hell couldn't stand the idea of another man touching my girl, at any age for that matter."

Remember that song?

"You don't own me; I'm not one of your little toys.
You don't own me; don't say I can't go with other boys.
And don't tell me what do; don't tell me what to say.
And if I go out with you, don't put me on display."

She is NOT your psychological criutch. She is NOT responsible for you or your moods, emotions any more than she is responsible for your actions.

And this, all of the above, is precisely why dating around is BEST - for everyone.

Kind of bringing this topic from the grave but.. I can really relate to this kind of dilemma. First off, I entirely agree with the idea of dating around to learn about other people and yourself. I also strongly agree with healthy relationships being more like two people cooperating together to better each others' lives without compromising their own.

I am however, still on the wall about the morality of sleeping around while boyfriend/girlfriend status has already been established with someone.

I may have misunderstood what you all meant by "dating around", but wouldn't too many people get hurt by this? How would you guys still date around without hurting too many people? Especially those who try to only have exclusive relationships? It would be a shame to not get to know those people too ;(

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> Kind of bringing this topic from the grave but..

The thread is alive and well, actually. It is one of many articles listed in the Index.

> I can really relate to this kind of dilemma. First off, I entirely agree with the idea of dating around to learn about other people and yourself. I also strongly agree with healthy relationships being more like two people cooperating together to better each others' lives without compromising their own.

You get it!

> I am however, still on the wall about the morality of sleeping around while boyfriend/girlfriend status has already been established with someone.

The difference is that "exclusivity" has not been established and this is exactly the point. By not dating one person exclusively, couples eliminate the angst, drama, and, trauma, associated with these arrangements. This is particularly important for teens, both for what you reiterated, above, and, because they do not yet have the emotional storehouse and the skills to manage differences in points of view, wants, and opinions. Breaking up is much harder for people who have been exclusive.

> I may have misunderstood what you all meant by "dating around", but wouldn't too many people get hurt by this?

As explained, this is exactly why it is important to date many people and sometimes more than one at a time in open relationships. People have more opportunities to go on dates, and, the people can enjoy all the perks without all the disadvantages. "Exclusivity" if desired, can be implied without need of a verbal contract if it desired, later.

Hurt? No. This is how dating has been done for decades. It is why exclusivity is not recommended. Oh, sure, we might be disappointed that dating a particular individual did not last longer; however, this is to be expected and is part of the process and has far less emotional impact.

> How would you guys still date around without hurting too many people? Especially those who try to only have exclusive relationships? It would be a shame to not get to know those people too ;(

Let's flip this around and ask how you girls would date around without hurting too many guys? The key to understanding this is to get over the thought that "I need to belong". Read, again, what I said about perks.

You do get to know these people if the desire is there. As we age and mature, we change. Who we might be in love with at 15 is not the person we would choose at 18, or, 20, or 22, etc., and vice versa. If we date only one person for an extended period, we severely limit our options of determining whether s/he is going to be the right person for us overall and long term. This new trend of exclusivity in my guesstimation is one reason why there are so many separations and divorces. Mr./Ms. Right was never given an opportunity to enter a person's life. Another is that couple never learn coping, social, and negotiating skills.

They get hurt because by being exclusive you're implying marriage and eternal devotion. In effect, you're LYING. All that time and attention - it goes to your head and you get heavily involved and think its too complicated so you cannot just walk away and let it go because it has been so long and it is all good except for this one thing and really it was 'ment to be' and and and yadda yadda yadda.

Do you see?

That is precisely why you date around - so you don't end up trapped by your own weaknesses or theirs.

BTW get rid of your Galahad Complex, buddy. Certain women will use that against you.

Ok so I'm not sure if I've been "dating around" but I do have many guy friends. and no they're not just circle of friend's type friends I spend quality time with them just us two doing what ever it is that we like to do.

I have had two serious relationships, one ended horrabaly, probably bc he was leading me on instead of telling me hey this is how it is up front like i told him to do many of times if for what ever reason he wanted it to end... and the last one we were growing apart and wanted diffrent things so it wasn't to hard at all...

So I'm not sure if what I've been doing with my guy friends would be concidered dating around.

Also on a side note this thread really helped me out in that I now understand what's going on in this "relationship" that I'm in with this guy right now. No it is not a boyfriend girlfriend kind of relationship. We are friends who worry about all the desies out there so we only have sex with eachother, for the time being any way... It's easier, because we both can go and spend time with who ever of the opposiet sex and not feel that sex is the issue so we can get to know who ever for them not as a sex object. It works for us for now, may not in the future, may not for someone else.

So all in all I guess my point is:

1. Is what I'm doing with my guy friends (and yes that includes some random guy that I chat up in the line at Wal*Mart, that's just an example btw) concidered dating around?

2. The reason I do get into a more steady/serious/exclusive relationship is because I felt a big something for and with that guy. If it didn't work it didn't work, back to square one. But I never and probably will never loose touch with my guy friends, We always have spent time together, and probably always will, just and only because they each have something that attracts me even if it's not romantic in any way. Me and my most recent ex are a great example of that.

3. Thanks for putting into light what I once was confused about. I am talking about my current relationship with the guy I am having sex with.

4. If I got anything wrong or mixed up I would love for you to clarify :)

CONDOMS used correctly each and every time you enjoy sex will protect from diseases.

Some might consider you to be 'dating around' but I wouldn't since you are being sexually exclusive.

It really depends on the person.My friend recently became gf of a guy she had only met a week befoe.My bf and I were only dating a few wks when he asked me to be his gf. I guess it depends on how old you are and what you want from life. As you get older you have a much clearer defination of where your life is heading. When you finally meet someone who sparks more than a little interest you will no longer want to see other people. I have been on both sides of the fence and they both have merits.

You play the field until you find the one you want and THEN you see them more or less exclusively BUT you only definitely go exclusive once you are afianced and you're walking up the aisle to the altar.

Why?

Because you could find you were mistaken and opportunity has passed you by.
This applies to both genders.

BTW - a couple of weeks?!?!? Way too quick an involvement!

> When you finally meet someone who sparks more than a little interest you will no longer want to see other people.

Precisely the reason not to stop with the first warm body who expresses an interest.

> I guess it depends on how old you are and what you want from life. As you get older you have a much clearer defination of where your life is heading.

Perhaps we do have a clearer definition; however, that is not the point of the debate--knowing who and what you want in a potential mate IS.

We stand a much better chance of learning this and finding a person with the characteristics we admire and desire the more people we date.

"Will you be my girl- boyfriend?" Really, this is just a question asked to see if you will continue dating the other person. We can find this out by simply using "Implied Consent" {explained elsewhere) and asking the person out. If s/he continues to accept you have a girl- boyfriend. Just because a person has one does not mean you can't date two or more at a time and be assured of more dating opportunities, less drama and trauma, and, having more fun. If one or none of these dates are what you are looking for, then continue the dating process with others who enter your life--until Mr./Ms. Right comes along.

Stopping the search prematurely with just one or two people is cutting your opportunities short.

-doc

[QUOTE=ExtraChrisB;232446]Okay, so on this site I have noticed two different opinions regarding dating. I know DancinDoc and EEK are both for dating around, but on the other hand I know a lot of people consider exclusivity to be a better idea. So I wanted to create a thread for both sides of the table to toss around pros and cons of the other.

I honestly do understand both sides of the argument, but perhaps the rest of you can present some facet that the rest of us haven't thought of yet.

Why is dating around the way to go at a young age? Or why stay exclusive?

Tell me what you all think.[/QUOTE]

I think exclusive dating is well... exclusive, like if your out to get a girl you like you usually pick out the one girl you find most attractive right? Am I wrong?
I pick out the man of my dreams... guess what, I met him When I was 17 I thought he was 26... I found out he was 32 years old a couple of days later after we started dating. So I didn't really care he was my kind. I love him there's no one else I rather sleep with then him and to be honest, his cock is limp some times but either way hard or not I love him. Not to say we'll be together forever but at least we can fuck each other as much as we want until we get sick of it... which I don't think we ever will.... we have too much fun together.
Another plus is if you date exclusively then you can go get checked up together at the doctor and see if you both are healthy. if one of the lovers' has an std then they can either work something out, or leave them or just except they're uncomfortable disease even if it's life threatening and love each other till death do they part...
Which usually never happens...

I mean it's better to know where you cought shit from then to be in the dark because your a hoe and you have no idea where the disease came from at least you'll always have something to remember your lover by!!!!!!!!! lol

That's what I think!

[QUOTE=franceska;250849]I think exclusive dating is well... exclusive, like if your out to get a girl you like you usually pick out the one girl you find most attractive right? Am I wrong?
I pick out the man of my dreams... guess what, I met him When I was 17 I thought he was 26... I found out he was 32 years old a couple of days later after we started dating. So I didn't really care he was my kind. I love him there's no one else I rather sleep with then him and to be honest, his cock is limp some times but either way hard or not I love him. Not to say we'll be together forever but at least we can fuck each other as much as we want until we get sick of it... which I don't think we ever will.... we have too much fun together.
Another plus is if you date exclusively then you can go get checked up together at the doctor and see if you both are healthy. if one of the lovers' has an std then they can either work something out, or leave them or just except they're uncomfortable disease even if it's life threatening and love each other till death do they part...
Which usually never happens...

I mean it's better to know where you cought shit from then to be in the dark because your a hoe and you have no idea where the disease came from at least you'll always have something to remember your lover by!!!!!!!!! lol

That's what I think![/QUOTE]

What the heck was the point of this?

There's something to be said for age and experience as well. Of course the kids in high schools and such are running around with "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" and live off the drama of things going wrong, but once you're older and a citizen of the real world you tend to be a lot more cautious about jumping into relationships. It can take me a good couple of months before I end up in a relationship with someone. My partner and I (odd circumstances, but still) didn't start our relationship until 5 months of knowing each other had gone by. In this time we were still active elsewhere and were looking around.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;232605]True love? OF course it exists but, once again, you have to go and find it - it does not - EVER - come to you. True love also does not hit you like lightning. It sneaks up on you from behind and when you finally see it - you realise it was always there, quietly waiting for you to catch up. True love is also found where you don't expect to find it, where you never dreamed you'd find it.
[/QUOTE]

I have to agree fully with this. My partner and I were in a FWB relationship for quite a while and had a number of issues etc. I couldn't see it ever working, and was still keeping a lookout for "that special someone". After some time we ended up getting along very well (once we understood each other), and eventually started an exclusive relationship. We're completely happy and haven't looked back. A lot of work and time went into building this relationship, unlike the two-week relationships where people profess their undying love and then split up over who gets the last doughnut.

"I mean it's better to know where you cought shit from then to be in the dark because your a hoe and you have no idea where the disease came from at least you'll always have something to remember your lover by!!!!!!!!! lol"

Playing the field equals being a whore and NOT knowing who you are sleeping with?? And sex is guaranteed to give you a STD/STI??!?!

Get real!! Those are completely stupid statements! IT is about time you left the 1950's behind.

Condoms, BCPs, and paying attention solves ALL of those issues.

the point is that if he's going to sleep around than wear condoms... duh!

this is a sexual information site so relax... don't be a d....b.g.

by the way, [Mod. 3: Edited for content]

I can believe she's still 17.

Well, after getting out of my last relationship, I finally understand why Doc and EEK are such avid followers of dating. Dating without going exclusive really allows you to see what it is you really want. It's so hard to figure out a person just by a few dates, and by then, most people want to jump right into a relationship.

Now, I am not totally on the bandwagon because I believe in monogamy, and I really love the feeling of being in an exclusive relationship, but I won't be jumping into them so carelessly like I did before. I would much rather play the field and see who has what to offer, and then pick someone to try a long-term relationship with.

[QUOTE=Sekcboi85;252946][COLOR="blue">Well, after getting out of my last relationship, I finally understand why Doc and EEK are such avid followers of dating. Dating without going exclusive really allows you to see what it is you really want. It's so hard to figure out a person just by a few dates, and by then, most people want to jump right into a relationship. [/COLOR]

As recently as just a couple of decades ago, "dating" was where it was at, so to speak, in which boys and girls went out with a mix of different people. Unless and until you do, you won't know for certain that "this person" is the "right person" for you. Just because s/he is "hot" is certainly no benchmark for building a future relationship.

A friend and I were talking about this last night; she reminded me that an important part of why people date is to see them in different settings, with a variety of wardrobe offerings, and to learn how s/he acts in public situations. This is but one test of a person's character, outlook on life, manners, mannerisms, etiquette, values, and morals. That said, a couple should also have an eye on having a good time together. The more people we date the more opportunities we have to explore new and different activities. The more people we date, the more opportunities we have for determining what characteristics and behaviors we want in a partner. The more people we date, the better our chances of finding these qualities in a potential mate.

[COLOR="blue">Now, I am not totally on the bandwagon because I believe in monogamy, and I really love the feeling of being in an exclusive relationship[/COLOR]

"Monogamy" is a way of life and as such does not require a contract. Dating has no contracts, therefore, monogamy can be expressed or implied by our actions toward each other. (Please read about the use of "Implied Consent" in one of the articles.)

Before considering an "exclusive relationship", understand that while this can be a lifestyle choice as noted, above, it is better IMHO to date openly and with as many people as possible, so that you can acquire a greater understanding of who and what you want in a potential partner. Exclusivity is fine, once you decide to settle down and have found Mr./Ms. Right.
[COLOR="blue">
I won't be jumping into them so carelessly like I did before. I would much rather play the field and see who has what to offer, and then pick someone to try a long-term relationship with.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Your last comment says it all, by Jove.

Once a couple says "I do", has a signed legally binding contract, then monogamy and cheating become important relationship parameters. Please read my replies to others over the past week or so with regard to dating. Just click on my name and go back thru about a weeks worth of posts. I have a little different way of explaining things than what is in the articles.

While two people can date each other, and perhaps others during the same period, if after a period of time the two of you decide not to date anybody else, you certainly can. Your behavior is implied, and no declaration is necessary. What gets people into trouble, especially teens with little experience and less emotional maturity is the drama and trauma that comes out of exclusivity and sense of "ownership" of the other person. Remove the exclusivity and much of the drama and trauma are eliminated, yet a couple can still choose to act and be committed to each other for whatever period of time works for them.

A couple can have all their social needs met and much of their emotional needs met by simply choosing to do things together and to be with each other and not actively choosing to date others. If, later, one or both of you decide the relationship is no longer meeting your needs then you can simply move on, no harm no foul; not so often the case having made a declaration that "I'm her boyfriend and she's my girlfriend", exclusively. My final word is: be in a relationship because you choose to be, not because you need to be.

And...what does monogamy have to do with dating?
Monogamy is marriage which is different.

Yes, I think that maturity plays a huge factor in being able to date instead of be exclusive. I guess I wasn't as secure with myself as I thought in the past. I would have a hard time thinking that a girl I was dating might be dating someone else too. But now I realize that dating is just a test to see if you are compatible. There are no commitments in dating, and that is why it works so well. I still think that I would prefer a committed relationship. However, I wouldn't just settle for the first girl that I had a small connection with. I would need to have a really strong connection before going down that path.

Anyway, I just thought that my perspective might help someone else understand better. Hopefully I'm not the only immature/insecure person who couldn't understand hahaha...

What is interesting about dating around is that it FORCES you to grow up and to become secure. Much like being Friends with Benefits -you have to be adult or the relationship goes to wrack and ruin.

You can't hide from your issues when you're busy confronting them.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;253072]What is interesting about dating around is that it FORCES you to grow up and to become secure. Much like being Friends with Benefits -you have to be adult or the relationship goes to wrack and ruin.

You can't hide from your issues when you're busy confronting them.[/QUOTE]

Good point.

So would this mean that I've missed out on what could have been? Is there an age where dating should be a must???

Yes - you should be dating when you're single.

EEK, I just read your response and became really confused but that statement (which means that I had to read the thread from the beginning to get a gist of what this thread is talking about)

Forgive me for sounding borderline ignorant...or stupid, :( but I always thought that dating and exclusivity were one and the same or that dating inadvertently leads to exclusivity.

Now, you can only imagine how shocked/surprised/upset I became over this weekend. Through my own naiveté, I always believed that love was this one shot K.O thing. My parents portrayed this as such...and then I found out, that my parents did date around (at least one of them) before they decided to becoming my loving married parents that gave life to me. (No more happily ever after fairy tales for me anymore. lol.)

I've never dated around. Never. In fact, call me a chicken, :D but I'm 20. Did not date around during middle or high school, I wasn't attractive then, but I'm quite a looker now. I think what I'm doing now with BF#1 isn't dating, it's an exclusive relationship.

(to me it is, to him, he says that going into our relationship that it is exclusive...although it's questionable because he's had other women before me, but in that defense from high school our eyes had been on each other, again I was a chicken, but other than that, no problem, whether this turns out that we are dating around or if it is exclusive, I'm satisfied now.)

I'm not even certain what dating around means by today's standards
Different culture equals different ideals on what dating should be.

That being said, dating around seems like a good idea, but I know what I want in a man already, always known from day damn one. So, is it an absolute must that people should date around, even if they have an idea of what they want?

[QUOTE=Rouge;254251]dating around means keeping your options open while spending time with different people. People date around to see attributes they'd like or dislike about a potential partner, and they don't stay exclusive until they've found a partner they can appreciate and whose attributes they like.

Exclusivity is staying with one person.[/QUOTE]

Wow. Thanks, this just cleared a lot of misconceptions I've had about dating in general. :)

dating around means keeping your options open while spending time with different people. People date around to see attributes they'd like or dislike about a potential partner, and they don't stay exclusive until they've found a partner they can appreciate and whose attributes they like.

Exclusivity is staying with one person.

No problem :)

To share my view on the subject: dating and exclusive relationships are both good, no matter in what order you will do this in life ;) See also my comments on love and sex: http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/married-long-term-relationships/28613-lo...

I think there are just some simple rules to it:
1) Please, just do understand that people are different. Do not make people feel ashamed, because you think that your way is the ONLY way of dealing with life-love-sex-etc. What is best for you, isn't best for someone else... Let everyone make their own decision and mistakes (we all learn from it ;))
2) Stay true to whatever you do (and I mean really: truthfully :)) Please do level with the other person you are dating around with or being exclusive with, be clear to the other person that you are. I've seen people being hurt badly, because the person they were exclusive to, just considered them to be a date (or even lied about it!).
3) Exchange views and see if yours still fits your lifestyl. This forum is great for this! :) But do not judge others too quickly. Perhaps I am naive, stupid, someone who needs to grow-up... I think the day I stop learning, evaluating, changing my views, in short: the day I stop growing(-up), should be the day that I die or have gone to a vegetable-like-state

To share my personal view on dating/exclusive relationships @ this moment in my life:
I didn't date around. I have felt ashamed of not doing this and being a virgin in my teens and early twenties. Just because my friends, classmates, my very own sister, made me feel like it was something to be ashamed of. They've even advised me to lie about it if I'd ever find someone that loved me (cause he would leave me instantly if he'd find out I was a newbie, according to them). Actually, they made me not want to date: I saw them hurting people. They were overall not being respectful to each others emotions... I saw them turning sex into something I wouldn't want to experience.

Ever since I'm in an exclusive relationship it has proven me right about myself:
1) I don't need to lie about anything, even tell him my biggest secrets
2) I do feel very emotional attached to my bf. Would feel awful if it wouldn't be exclusive...
3) when it comes to having sex: I can not see sex, emotions, love, etc as separate things. (maybe sad, but true...) And at this very moment in my life: I would want my bf to be my one-and-only true love. Although he has had girlfriends before an I'm not his one-and-only. What matters is here and now. Also: rationally I do know there is a chance it won't be forever. You catch my drift?

I do, however, understand why THEY wanted to date around. I do understand that sex=physical play, doesn't need to involve love or emotions. I'm just saying I, simply just me, can not. I'm happy for every person who leads his/her life the way they really want to. And wish them all the best, pleasure, fun, etc!

Come, come, of course you remember that in our own culture marrying a young 'woman' of age 14 is permitted, with parental approval. How else can you get 25 to 30 kids out of one woman?

I am also all for consenting adults being able to marry whichever other consenting adult wishes to marry them regardless of gender, race, religion, culture, socio-economic group and so on.

Just don't scare the horses.