I'm new to this board and I find it funny, informative, and friendly. I hate to start out by asking something of everyone, but I really need some advice as this is bothering me. I feel horrendous guilt after having sex, or sexual experiences. Now I've only had sex with one person and have only fooled around with one other, but I've kinda got plans coming up to be more sexually active. I guess I should explain that first, lol.
A little over 3 months ago I started going to a diet clinic because, let's face it, I was a nasty fatass. I'm not feeling sorry for myself saying that, it's just the truth. Anyway, in that 3 months I have lost 57 pounds (almost 300 to 232) and I plan to lose at least 40 more. So, of course my brain, or rather my testicles start thinking, "Hey, y'know, we aren't that ugly, and well, it's been a long time, so..." and frankly, I have to agree. The problem is that I feel so bad after sexual experiences in terms of guilt and regret that I swear to myself everytime that I won't do it again. My virginity was taken by a girl that I rather not remember and that I was completely NOT in love with. I'm not sure if the guilt is because I am not in love with the people I screw around with, but it could be.
Story of first girl: I was 16 and 17. Her name was Christina and I worked with her at Wendy's. My first direct sentence to her was, "I don't care if you think you have a black belt in Kung Fu, I'm going to f***ing stab you if you don't shut your f***ing mouth and stop hitting me," Vulgar and overly angry, yes, but hey, she didn't really know Kung Fu! Somehow I ended up fooling around with her at work. I would finger her while she was making change for people, I would grope her in the walk-in freezer, etc. Oh, did I mention she was married? Yes, married and I believe 23. Her husband was a big, nasty redneck that hated me. Fair enough. Well, somehow one day she ended up coming to my parent's house with me after work and 'stuff' happened. I had always been the romantic, make-the-girl-happy-no-matter-what type of guy so the first thing I did was go down on her. I couldn't do it for very long because I couldn't stand the smell and taste. It wasn't that bad, but too odd for me to put up with. I stupidly asked her to wash herself, although I didn't mean it as an insult. She did and it didn't improve anything, so she decided that it was time to screw. She sat me on the couch in the living room and took my pants off and straddled me. SWEET CHRIST @*#&^!*# THAT FEELS GOOD! That's pretty much what I thought as I humped her maybe two times and had my first sex-induced orgasm. Pretty dissappointing for her, but I didn't even pull out before I was ready to go again, so on and on it went until she finally had an orgasm, and then it went on one more time lol. After this I felt so incredibly guilty that when she left I almost threw up. I wanted to cry, but I didn't know why and didn't want to cry. Things began to get out of hand as we screwed and hung out together more. She loved me, or thought she loved me, and I didn't love her in the slightest bit. It's not that I'm a bad person or anything, because the thing I want most is to fall in love and get married, but she was kinda crazy and things just didn't click. Anyway, I stopped talking to her and maybe 6 months later she called me out of the blue and said that she had something important to talk about but I was so mortified that she had called me (fear of more guilt I think), that I said I was busy and for her to call me back the next day. She never did and to this day I have this paranoia that I got her pregnant, since we never used a condom (stupid, but she said she couldn't get pregnant because of a miscarriage). After I stopped seeing her, I began to feel guilty that she was my first one, and that I had let myself convince myself that I was a good person, even though I had given something I could only give to one person to her, and not the woman I loved. I'll point out here that I am a guy, in case that last sentence threw anyone off. Yes, there are some of us out there that feel the same way about it as women do. I still to this day regret her =(
A day or two ago: My friend that I haven't seen in at least a year invites me to come over to his, and his friend's apartment to get drunk. His friend is a girl named Stephanie and they have no relationship besides just being friends. Stephanie is very emotionally screwed up and most people borderline hate her. She is a compulsive liar, she is dodgey, she starts shit with people, and she is untrustworthy. Why is Bo her friend? I don't know, maybe it is deep down pity. Well, we get the alcohol and proceed to get near coma-level intoxicated. We are making tons of noise and Stephanie is just acting nuts; trying to get out of the front door, trying to call her parents, etc. I begin to hit on her in a pathetically unstealthy way. I'm not sure why, probably sexual desperation =( I don't mean to sound insulting, but even though I have no room to speak, I have irrationally high standards; this is more of an instinct thing, than a moral thing. For some reason the alcohol began to make her pretty sad and she started crying. I AM very soft, so it made me incredibly sad to see her like that even though I had an almost subconscious disdain for who I thought she was. She began talking about her job as an insurance claims adjuster and how she hurt so bad because she had to turn an elderly woman with cancer down because she didn't have the right type of cancer. She cried and said she wanted to approve her so bad but she couldn't because of the rules. She also told me a lot about her birth-mother and how she treated her brother horribly and how she wanted to get him out of the orphanage that he was currently in. Now Stephanie does NOT act like this and would never share this information unless she was feeling especially odd or chatty. I knew that she wasn't lying. I listened to more and more and I laid her head down in my lap and tried to comfort her. Even though I was incredibly drunk, I wasn't doing that as some sort of not-so-subtle come-on. I felt so bad for her because I thought that her personality that she showed to everyone was just a facade to cover the pain she felt in life. I laid her down and pulled the blanket over her (the floor was the bed) and went to talk to my friend while our temporary bought of rationality maintained. Somehow I think I went back into drunk mode after we talked and I went over to her and began talking to her again about her boyfriend (oh yes, I forgot about the boyfriend). I don't know exactly how, but I started coming on to her and began touching her. She didn't resist so I continued and I began to rub her breasts and play with her nipples. Eventually she took her pants off and I fingered her a little, then for some reason I went down on her. I don't usually think of myself as the type of guy that would go down on a girl when she wasn't my girlfriend, but hey, look at my past history. I love doing it anyway, it's uber-sexy. I kept at it and I began to hear her moan in a very unforced, natural way. I think I was kinda surprised since I had this belief that women have no reservations about faking an orgasm when a man is doing something wrong. I could hear when she had her orgasm and I kept going and she eventually had two. I don't know what made me keep going because I thought it was near impossible to give a woman more than one orgasm. I was amazed at her watery taste and smell, and I complimented her on it many times, it was a wonderful change. She next laid me on my back and straddled me and I tried to enter her, although I couldn't because I was way too drunk. I asked her if she had a condom and she said no, and I told her I didn't have one. She got up real fast and gave me about $10 in nickels and told me to go buy some. I asked if I could drive her car because it was only a block. Thankfully she said no (what the hell was I thinking?!?) and I went to walk my drunk ass to get some. I walked the wrong way for awhile then went back. She was asleep and I was confused and drunk and I went to sleep holding her. This wasn't because I loved her or anything, but more of a need for love ... for someone. When I woke up she was awake and I began making the moves on her again. Yes, I was drunk still. She didn't seem to thrilled and I sorta grudgingly convinced her to join me in another room. I fooled around with her and began fingering her and she didn't look to interested. Somehow I got her to give me a handjob, even though I had to do most of the work myself because she wasn't very good at it. Now that this is all over I feel HORRIBLE! I regret this very very much especially since she was feeling so bad and I really feel that I should apologize to her. She wasn't really interested when we woke up and I feel that I kind of took advantage of her. I don't think it was rape or anything, but isn't it wrong in a moral way? I don't think I've had long enough time to figure out what I'm thinking, but I need to know soon so I can fix this.
I need to figure out if sexual situations for me are just innately uncomfortable and guilt-ridden, or if I am just not waiting for the right thing. A few details that might help: I have fallen in love, but never had sex with that person (was too young), masturbation did and sometimes does make me feel guilty, I look at a ton of computer porn and it sometimes makes me feel guilty, I long most in life for someone to truly love me, I believe that a non-sexual relationship can be as important and possibly more-important than a sexual one (i.e. in love with someone, but don't have sex as a show of respect or something similar), I am desperately romantic and chivalrous (when I remember), although I have given up on the concept of putting a woman on a pedestal because I believe it is demeaning in an ironic way. Does this help describe me? I wish we got bigger personal information areas.
Here's a better description of me and a link to a picture: I'm 20 years old, I weigh 232 and am 5'9". I am basically a computer nerd, although I don't hang out with a lot of those people because they embrace dorkhood as some sort of frayed badge of honor. I hate the look of women such as Pamela Anderson. I like a very cute, innocent look. I live at home, although I am trying to move out. I drive a '92 Ford Crown Victoria, and yes, I can pull people over with it. I've got dark brown hair, blue eyes, VERY pale skin, and my teeth are kinda small thanks to grinding them as a kid. I want to fall in love, get married, and have kids, although not all at once! I know I will have a daughter (long story). I like to write a lot, but I have trouble getting the inspiration to get things out, due to my ADD. I love animals and have TONS of them. My friend Bryan lives with me and he is my best friend. I consider myself ugly as a fat person, but that I have potential to be at least cute if I lose enough weight. I think of myself as a basically good person and I want to be good very much. I'm very emotional and can be melodramatic. This annoys me and annoys others, although I appreciate it also as a gift. I am a little too intense for most women, although not in a bad way, just too much =) I love pleasuring a woman and will forgo my own pleasure to insure hers. I love cunnilingus, screw it if my neck hurts! Cute, real moaning sends me over the edge. I have a fetish for catgirls (wearing fuzzy cat ears and a tail) and the following outfit: White sleeveless blouse with a black or red tie (it is a blouse, right?), black velvet choker with silver cross or heart clasp, no bra ^_^, black or red mini-skirt with stalkings that come up 2 or 3 inches from the bottom of them (stalkings must be white or pink), matching arm-stalkings (or whatever you call them), brown or black schoolgirl flats with rounded toes, plaid cotton panties with a tiny bow on the elastic. Either of these fetishes are capable of sending me into a Grand-mal orgasm. Combined? Undoubtedly fatal. Oh yeah, someone please tell me if I would probably be cute, ugly, or just plain when I get down to normal weight. Please be truthful as I don't get offended by stuff that I ask about.
[url="http://home.swbell.net/denerath/p7290049.jpg"]Taken by my Mom a few days ago. It's a little big, so head's up.
Sorry about getting off topic and making a huge post! I just want to get to know people and I want to get to know them! I've never had a chance to put myself up for review before, nor did I want to, so this is a big learning experience for me.