It sits on the horizon of man’s perfection, alone, holding the key to a life of bliss, free of stress and drama. It sits just out of reach, just beyond our ability to grasp it and enter the nirvana that we feel is due us. No we are not talking about enlightenment, world peace, or cold fusion; we are speaking of that widespread desire of males to give themselves fellatio (a.k.a. a 'blow-job'). Doing it to one-self is properly known as 'auto-fellatio'. Attainable to only the most talented yoga masters or well-endowed porn stars, autofellatio still stands as a source of lore, legend and urban myth. It is the height of masturbatory fantasy for some men, a morbid fascination for others and shied away from by others as a challenge to their heterosexuality.
Whatever your position on the topic of autofellatio, entire websites have been dedicated to both the most pornographic representations of the deed and its most artistic. Entire galleries in New York have been reserved for shows depicting the male form self-servicing in a wide array of locales. So why the massive interest here? We can see the roots of this absorption in this peculiarly difficult form of masturbation in history and in our particular sexual desires.
Men like fellatio; this is true, with some exception, en masse. They like the control, the eroticism of the removed source of pleasure and, obviously, the pleasure of a mouth on their genitals. Here is the disconnection from reality. In most cases self -blowing is incredibly uncomfortable, as exemplified in the Kevin Smith movie Clerks where a man dies, breaking his neck, during an attempt to get his mouth all the way to his penis. Though most likely not based on any factual basis, the point stands - bending in half to suck your penis probably is not the most sensual experience. It seems then that perhaps autofellatio is exactly what it seems, just a dream - a funny sexual fantasy that few can do and even less actually enjoy.
Autofellatio has had a history fraught with mythological god-behavior, and forbidden desire. In Victorian England many historical paintings depicting such acts were vandalized and led to the restriction of a thorough history of autofellatio from being widely publicized. Despite this, evidence of this sex act can be located as far back as ancient Egypt.
Archaeologists have found hieroglyphs and ancient paintings featuring men performing autofellatio. Academic David Lorton says that many ancient texts refer to autofellatio within the religious mythology of Egypt. He also notes that autofellatio was performed during rituals as a result of the sun god Ra's mythological birthing technique. Ra is said to have created Shu and Tefnut (Egyptian gods) by sucking himself into orgasm and then spitting his semen on the ground.
Egyptologists still argue about the translation of some hieroglyphs and the meaning of divine blowjobs. Some experts feel that the ancient wall paintings mean that Horus, son of the god Osiris, maintained cosmic order by ingesting his own semen and thus keeping the stars in their places. Despite this debate as to the meaning of these hieroglyphs, there seems to be ample evidence that self-fellatio was at the very least a topic of discussion in Egypt.
From art galleries in the Upper East Side, to the porn studios of van Nuys California, perhaps the most famous spectacle of autofellatio is the adult star Ron Jeremy. Though it may be hard to believe, Mr. Jeremy (widely accepted as the king of porn) used to be quite thin. In the 1970’s a number of adult films were released showing Ron blowing himself. He notes in a modern day interview, that it was less for pleasure and more for the fact that it was so freakish.
Ior Bock, a Finnish rock musician, has talked openly about his own ability to autofellate. This practice seems to be rooted deeply in Finnish tradition, and is called “saunasolmu” or in English the “sauna knot.” The name likely comes from the practice of getting it on with yourself in the warmth of a sauna, which would relax and soften the muscles, allowing for greater ease of access!
Another interesting place that our enthrallment with autofellatio has taken us to is rib removal and ease of access. Probably the most common source for this urban legend is embodied in Marilyn Manson. The story goes like this: Marilyn Manson had a rib removed to make it possible to fellate himself. This rumour also circulated about Prince, and in another context Cher. In an investigation of this rumour it is clear that in no part of the western world has elective rib removal ever been recorded. This, obviously, is not to say that it could not have been done in secret, but there is no evidence of such a surgery ever being performed.
So with the right combination of flexibility and penile length, the feat is possible. Whether natural selection had something to do with it, ie all the self-suckers never bothered finding a mate, or not, the fact of the matter is it would take the average man years if not decades to be able to enjoy even the bare basics of fellatio. If we may suggest, the best way to get more fellatio is to get better at cunnilingus!