I want to roleplay - but he won't!

Q. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and I love him very much but I wouldn’t mind spicing up our sex life. I fantasize quite regularly and want to act something out with him; it would be such a turn on. But when I brought it up, he shot me down. He was like, “Well do we really need to?” Then I felt so embarrassed – like what do you say to that? Why did he have to be so closed minded?

A. You sound hurt by his response and rightly so. The point of sharing your desires isn’t because the two of you need to do anything; rather, you openly communicated what turns you on, which is a healthy and vital part of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship. In order to feel confident in your sex life, it is essential for your partner to respect your needs and accept that they’re important to you; otherwise you’re left feeling rejected or self-conscious. It appears that another discussion might be in order, not so much to convince him to try role-playing, but about the way he responded to your request.

Since you didn’t get a chance to elaborate the first time, to convey your desire to role-play in the future consider articulating it in different way. When you do, explain why it appeals to you and give more details as to what your fantasy entails, he’ll then hopefully be more receptive to it. Also, can you find out where his reluctance stems from? He might feel embarrassed because he has never done it, or he doesn’t want to appear foolish in front of you. Another explanation is that he assumes that he has to dress up and “act”, the thought of which can be off putting until you actually try it.

Role-playing and fantasy are closely interrelated. Sharing fantasies with a sexual partner can be a total turn on; it’s also a fantastic way to transition your play from imagination to reality. Instead of getting right into the logistics of ‘play acting’, use your fantasies as the substance to first practice some Dirty Talk . Ask him if he’d be ok with being told a ‘story’. Ease him in by beginning with the tamer fantasies, then work your way up each subsequent time. For example, it could be you and him in a unusual setting or getting ‘busted’ having sex in a public place; it’ll be easier to picture himself doing that - especially during the early stages of his exposure - as opposed to say, him dressing up as a burglar and taking you against your will.

If, after all of these attempts, he still isn’t interested in going to the next level with role-playing, then at least you got to express your sexiest innermost thoughts. He may not want to act them out with you, but he will certainly more equipped to incorporate elements of what turns you on into your mutually agreed upon sexual repertoire. However, just because you respect his decision about not wanting to Role-play, doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun with it:

• indulge in erotic novels or themed porn;
• buy ‘theme’ lingerie; and/or
• Halloween and theme parties can be a great pretext to don a sexy outfit … him seeing you in it could generate spur-of-the-moment play acting; and/or
• use your active imagination during sex.