Talking with women

Q. I love your website. My problem has to do with making conversation with women. I just can't seem to open topics, whether online or in person. I can do it at times, but I'm inconsistent. My conversations usually end up like an interview. I want to be able to talk without asking so many questions. I also want to be able to get to another level to make a girl want me. I tried to follow the site dating advice, but I can't really do it.

A. There are some serious flaws in your game, and it has nothing to do with your technique and everything to do with your poor frame of mind. Listen to yourself! You're down in the dumps because you “can't" open topics, you're "inconsistent" … and overall, you "can't really do it." It's no wonder you can't score. Honestly, no matter how much you learn about conversation tricks and pick up lines, your attitude is going to hold you back every time.

Women become attracted to men for many reasons, not just you ability to open the lines of communication. If she's interested in meeting someone in a social environment, she's scanning the room for potential guys she's attractive to -and this isn't necessarily limited to looks either. She's also scoping out your demeanor, assessing your confidence, and observing how well you interact with others. Basically, the score is tallied before you even open your mouth.

When you're out on the prowl, don't be the creep who is so preoccupied with his own lack of confidence that he can't hold up a conversation because he's trying to keep his pre-planned questions in order (remember, ‘interviewing’ is one of the most common mistakes men make when talking to women). Being ‘that guy’ prevents you from listening - one of the key traits all women want - and renders you completely unable to be pick up on the vital tidbits of information a woman shares that, in turn, can used to generate more parley.

There's a lot to be said for having a great time and being yourself, and one of the best ways to attract a woman is to make her want to be around you, to soak up your charm and fun; great conversations will spawn much more easily when they occur from this basis. She'll also feel a lot more at ease knowing that she isn't being so ardently pursued, which allows her guard to go down and the dialogue to flow more smoothly. This isn't to say that you not pursuing her, you're just being a lot more suave about.

So, what should you take away from all this? When it comes to picking up women, your confidence and attitude will make a bigger impression than your ability to weave a conversation. In fact, you are not the one that should be dictating the chatter. Instead, throw out a 'hook' or question, listen for the response, and come back with a response that relates to what she said. With a bit of practice, you'll soon find yourself thinking less and less about what you should be saying, and actually enjoying the talk instead.

For more advice on talking to women, learn some more strategies from our editorials 5 Conversation Tips and 5 Ways to Make a Connection .