Roommates turned lovers ... now she's hot & cold!

Q. I'm a guy and I moved in with a female roommate about seven months ago. We immediately hit it off and living together has been great. About a month ago, we threw a party, and after a long night of drinks and flirting, we ended up in bed together. It was really hot between us but the next day we just acted like nothing happened.

We were watching a movie one night and I put my arm around her... right afterwards she started acting really awkward and uncomfortable around me. "Ok fine," I said to myself, "whatever she's going through, she'll figure it out and talk to me when she's ready."

Well, since then she's been giving me nothing but mixed signals! Whenever we have drinks, she's hot for me (we've even had sex a few times since), but whenever it's just us hanging out, she seems uncomfortable with the idea of us being sexual. I can go either way. What's the deal??


A. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It also causes us to make decisions that, in an otherwise sober frame of mind, we could never conceive of ourselves doing. It's quite a common occurrence; as drinks get refilled, restraint goes out the window, and clothes come tumbling off. Add to this the fact that drinking makes our recall of alcohol-induced activities bleary (for some, a complete blackout) and voila: awkward.

Your roommate's vacillation could be interpreted in a number of ways. For one, she may not even remember what the two of you did, and feels reticent about bringing up that embarrassing fact. Secondly, she might be insecure about the boundaries that were crossed, and is concerned about the impact it will have on your future as roommates - or otherwise. You need to be cautious; once sex becomes part of the arrangement, it can have a powerful impact on your relationship.

It could be that your roommate's not attracted to you, though, even if she were, perhaps she doesn't want to pursue anything deeper with you. Let's consider this critically. Once you fall into the routine of living together and being intimate with one another, you could inadvertently slip into a relationship without establishing whether or not you're emotionally compatible. Hey, it could work out, but based on what you've described, there is definitely something about the state of affairs that's not working for her.

The best way to figure out 'what the deal is' is by tactfully broaching the subject with her. It's advisable to do this at a time when neither one of you is intoxicated. The reason why this is important to discuss has to do with you. Though you're indifferent about the outcome of the situation now, what will happen a few months down the road if you continue along this path? You may be the one longing for her to come home and curl up with you, while she's bringing home someone of her own to enjoy!

If you're aware that she

If you're aware that she doesn't seem to want a relationship or sex with you unless she's plastered... then accepting it from her under that condition is taking advantage of the situation and that's not cool.

You need to have a serious talk with her, sober, and soon.

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