Too nervous to go past kissing

Q. I've been seeing a boy and I really do love him. The problem is that I've never done anything sexual with anyone apart from kissing. Although he has already had sex a few times, I know he wouldn't rush me into doing something I wasn't totally ready for. As much as I get the urge to do things, I worry too much that I'll do them wrong. Reading how to do something isn't the same as actually knowing how to do them, and when it comes to doing anything, I have no idea at all. My nerves are standing in the way of my relationship progressing. HELP!

A. You're absolutely right about one thing. Reading about sex is totally different from actually having it, and making your first time feel good, both physically and psychologically, depends a lot on your state of readiness. Loving someone and being ready to have sex with them are two very different things, and just because you love them doesn't mean that having sex is the right thing to do with them right now. One thing is for sure, having sex with a person will not be enjoyable if you don't feel completely comfortable with the decision.

You say your "nerves" are holding you back from progressing with him sexually, but you're failing to see why you're experiencing them in the first place. When it comes to being intimate with someone, never dismiss hesitancies or concerns. Sure part of it has to do with feeling first time jitters, but the other has to do with how unprepared you might be to take on all the new complexities, some good and some bad, that go along with relationships of a sexual nature.

Before you can ever handle having sex with someone, you need to quit worrying so much about what you should be doing and how you think they're supposed to be done, and focus more on growing as a person. Start by building your confidence. You'll make the most progress when you stop ignoring that little voice inside of you and deal with those niggling apprehensions one by one.

It may prove useful to write your feelings down in a journal or simply make a list of pros and cons. Ask yourself questions like, "What would happen if I waited?", and, "What do would I gain versus what would I lose if I had sex with this person?" Also, are you prepared to guide your partner in what makes you feel good? Are you both comfortable having discussions of a sexual nature?

In the meantime, build up your sexual ABC's by trying many of the other enjoyable non-penetrative sexual activities. There are lots of people who can attest to the fact that the things they do during Foreplay are as much fun, or even better than, sex itself - and since your boyfriend is committed to not rushing things, there's no purpose in doing it yourself.

Right now isn't always the right time to have sex and, if you decide to wait, you can always change your mind, but if you push yourself into doing it before you're ready you won't be able to go back in time. When the time is right to go all the way with him, you'll know. Check out Her First Time for more information.