I get no pleasure from sex with him

Q. I have been married for 5yrs now. My problem is I have never felt an orgasm and I don’t feel anything during sexual intercourse. I’m now beginning to lose interest in sex because I don’t feel any nice sensory feeling inside my vagina. Doctors have checked my vagina & say everything is okay.


A. When it’s difficult to reach orgasm with your sexual partner, it can do a number on your sense of self and impact your interest in sex altogether. If doctors have ruled out that it is a physiological issue, it can leave you feeling despondent, left to wonder “could it be me?”, and, “what am I doing wrong?” You are not alone; many women share your frustration.

There are any number of things that could be hindering your sex life. Stress and fatigue create serious limitations to arousal, and can be contributed to by work, school, financial pressure, family problems, or a negative self-image; anything that reduces your ability to loosen up and let go could be part of the problem. It could be that the setting you have sex in isn’t conducive to arousal. Also, medication can also have powerful side effects, one of which is a diminished libido. A lack of exercise and poor nutrition not only impact your desire, they compromise your physical balance and psychological stability; read Healthy Body Means Better Sex for more on that.

One of the most furtive detractors has to do with your emotional state. When you and your partner experience a sexual disconnect, many thoughts and expectations can run through your mind during intercourse like “this will never get better” or “every time we try it never works out.” Instead of being relaxed and in the moment, which are vital to achieve enjoyment and orgasm, despair and tension act as a distraction, curbing any chance you have at achieving pleasure (let alone climax!)

If you are willing to hang in there a little longer, here are some useful suggestions. Consider taking matters into your own hands, literally. Masturbation and self-exploration will be essential in helping you find your pleasure; great articles to guide you along are Female Orgasm and Female Masturbation Guide. Discovering what gets you aroused (without the distraction of your husband being there) will provide you with a reference point with which to guide him. Even if you aren’t yet able to have an orgasm during sex, you could make it a point of coming beforehand. That way, you still end up satisfied and are free to focus on sexually gratifying Sex Positions and activities.

Communication is an extremely important component of a healthy sexual relationship; without it, the intimacy that you’re capable of sharing with your partner will never be fulfilled. You don’t want this issue to degrade your relationship, so be honest about what you’re going through and ask for his support.