Can't cum with him

Q. I’m horny as hell; I could have sex easily 6 to 7 times a day. I love both sex and foreplay and have been sexually active for 4 years. However, I have a serious problem - I've never cum.

Either I hover on the edge of an orgasm until the pleasure subsides - while I'm left hoping he will cum already - or, the pleasure is so intense that I physically can't handle it and have to wriggle away.

I know it's not his fault because the things he does to me feel amazing, but I really need help because he is starting to think that he is a bad lover. Please help! How do I fix it?! I know that faking it just makes it worse in the long run, especially if he finds out!

A. Keeping a secret as significant as yours can really wear on a person's psyche, and the longer you lie (pun intended), the more onerous the secret seems to get. There is no magic cure for your situation. Working past the psychological and physiological barriers to orgasm will take time; you might also have to do some unraveling before the pieces get put back into the right places.

Even though you haven't been able to cum with your partner, it hasn't detracted you from continuing to take pleasure in the many aspects of an active, enjoyable sex life. Bravo - this bodes positively on your situation. For many individuals, the absence of sexual resolution can lead to a strategy of avoidance, where they avoid relationships or sexual activity with others so as not to have face their issues.

According to the latest statistics, as many as one third of women report being unable to have an orgasm. Sexual researchers have encountered a numbers of factors that hinder climax. Speak to your doctor to rule out physical reasons that are impinging on your pleasure. As for the mental and/or emotional reasons why you can't finish, that’s going to require some dedication on your end - which (by the way) will be far easier to execute compared to the way you've been coping thus far.

Admit it; you cannot do this on your own. Has it really gotten you anywhere in the last four years? In whatever manner feels comfortable, let your partner know what's been going on. Yes, it will be uncomfortable having to admit that you've been faking orgasms, but the release you'll get in the process could be very therapeutic. Telling your secret may bring you that much closer to healing. You mentioned how horrible it would be if your partner found out that you couldn't cum, but imagine how it'd be if he never found out, and nothing ever changed. Scary huh?

Be prepared for your partner to feel stung by your confession - after all, you were being dishonest - but don't put off telling the truth any longer. For Pete’s sake, all he wants is to be the author of your pleasure and fulfillment! Once he is aware of your needs, the two of you can work together, applying a positive, conscious awareness toward your mutual needs. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed; you're in a situation that is common for as many as 30% of the population!

The key to unlocking your orgasm potential is to stay positive and open minded. It can happen for you; it just requires finding the right balance of self-awareness, frame of mind, and stimulation. There are a number of extraordinary books and adult sexual DVDs (in our Educational DVDs review section) that address this very phenomenon.

Also, check out our article on Female Orgasm for more information…

stiffwood's picture

Sorry to hear that you have not been able to have an orgasm with your mate. Have you ever given yourself a orgasm while masturbating? Also, I'm curious if your partner has ever given you oral pleasure and caused you to have a orgasm? If the answer is no to these questions; then it's probably a good idea to speak with your doctor about your concerns.