Should I do his threesome fantasy

Q. I have a boyfriend that I think I am beginning to fall in love with. We have been very open with each other sexually and otherwise. He has done a lot to fulfill some of my fantasies and I have done the same. However, there is one fantasy that I almost feel may be a bit over my head. He would like to have a threesome with another girl.

I would totally be open to a threesome, if it weren't for the fact that I am not interested at all in women. I also find the idea of going down on another woman really off putting. I don't really want him to touch her either, although he did say he would only concentrate on me and I believe him. On the other hand, if I do find someone, I do want her to receive some pleasure. Also, I would like to know if there are any positions I might be able to do with another female in order to fulfill his fantasy.


A. Threesomes are a popular activity with both men and women, and depending on how you arrange a ‘configuration’ that suits both of your comfort levels, it can be an exciting and highly stimulating experience. However, there are a lot of ‘what-ifs’ to consider in this situation, such as: “am I ready”; “is the way I view my relationship going to change afterward”; or, “am I doing this because I feel pressured”. Keep in mind too that multi partner sex can be trickier when you’re in a new relationship because jealousy and trust issues can more easily rear their ugly heads.

As much as you’d like to accommodate your boyfriend’s fantasy, it sounds like you’re not very comfortable with the idea. Participating in a sexual activity that you aren’t fully on board with can be disastrous for your self-esteem, create havoc in intimate relationships, and discourage you from exploring other fantasies in the future. We strongly encourage you to weigh the pros and cons (fully discussed in our Introduction to Multi-partner Sex) before going ahead with any plans for this form of sexual play.

Keep in mind that just because you aren’t wholly comfortable with your boyfriend’s idea for a threesome fantasy now, doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be taken off the table completely. You could very well be the one to enjoy it in the future, but need more time to become comfortable with yourself and gain more security in your relationship before it’s a realistic option. If a threesome is something you’d be willing to try, save it for when it’s about doing it with your boyfriend, not for him.

Also, is your problem with this scenario just the fact that the ‘third’ under consideration is another female? How about if it involved another guy instead – or perhaps a foursome (Group Sex)? If this is of more interest to you, discuss these options with your boyfriend and see how he feels about it. Be wary of his motives/selfishness if he is not prepared to consider these alternatives – after all, ‘What is good for the goose, is good for the gander!’

In the meantime, consider smaller steps to integrate the fantasy into reality, such as:

  • Talking about all the different roles/positions each of you could play in a Threesome (e.g. the viewer who watches the other two play, the king/queen who gets lavished with attention from everyone else, etc.; perhaps being the ‘queen’ would be more up your alley).
  • Explore erotica and other forms of sexually explicit material like Adult Films? It is a great outlet to explore fantasies together without having to invite someone else into bed.
  • Visit a ‘Swinger’s Club’ with an agreement to simply enjoy watching and being watched; this would give you both an opportunity to evaluate whether you are comfortable with this form of play – and decide whether you wish to explore further.