Q. I have a problem coming during sex with my girlfriend, or any girlfriend for that matter. Whenever I get it on, it takes me forever to get there and most of the time I have to finish by jerking off. I've been this way for a long time, but lately it’s been REALLY bothering me and its affecting my current relationship. What do I do?
A. “I have to come! Why am I not coming?" If these thoughts cross your mind while you're having sex, you're likely to know their negative impact; the more expectations you put on ejaculation, the less capable your body seems to be in responding to your requests. As the mind and body wrestle with one another, it creates anxiety and frustration, which in turn contribute even further to its disconnect. In spite of all your mental efforts, your body just doesn't want to listen.
What you've described in your question sounds a lot like a sexual condition known as Delayed Ejaculation (DE). Someone with the more common form of this disorder typically takes much longer to ejaculate during normal intercourse, or can only climax if he masturbates. Ejaculatory inhibition can be sporadic, occurring only in certain sexual situations or, as in your case, exists as an ongoing sexual challenge.
To be clear, DE is not a question of arousal - clearly you can maintain an erection - nor is it an issue of desire. Rather, it is a combination of biological and psychological factors that limit one's ability to readily ejaculate. Rule out any physical ailments by discussing DE with your doctor. Some things to consider are drug interactions, alcohol(ism), high blood pressure, and trauma to the pelvic area. Some experts believe DE is linked to the method and frequency of masturbation. A simple way to test this theory is to cease masturbating for a few days (or longer) and see if it makes a difference during intercourse. Additionally, try exploring different Sexual Positions and add modifications to augment the angle and sensation around your penis.
The subtleties surrounding the subconscious aspects of this disorder are endless and can stem from fear, apprehension or distraction. Some therapists attribute DE to past traumatic events while others link it to unhealthy patterns from past relationships. As an example, DE can manifest from a fear of getting someone pregnant, a need to maintain self-control or a fixation on pleasing a sexual partner without regard for one's own personal gratification.
Your thoughts and expectations will play a big role in your capacity to enjoy pleasure and reach climax. When it is difficult to come via intercourse it is natural feel discouraged, but letting frustration dominate your thoughts and behavior won't improve the matter. It helps when you allow yourself to be in the moment, letting yourself actually experience sensations rather than occupying your attention with the end result. The psychological power of ‘letting go’ is an incredible facet of fulfilling, enjoyable sex and in your case, may be what it takes to overcome this condition.