She can't have a "BIG" orgasm

Q. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost a year and a half and we are both 20, turning 21 soon. My girlfriend was a virgin when we started dating; I wasn't. We have sex at least every other day, and even though she is on the pill, we both are still very careful.

Whenever I go down on her, or play with her, I focus on her clit. But whenever I put a finger inside her vagina, even a little, it hurts her most times so i usually end up only focusing on the clit. She gets an orgasm by me doing this. But it's not like ‘the big one’, you know? After she has an orgasm, we wait a little then have sex. We go for a while until either I finish or she says it hurts, at which point we stop. My main question is this … is it possible that she can't have an orgasm? Is there any position we can try or any other tips you can give me to maybe be able to get her to reach the big “O”?


A. It's obvious that you have the best of intentions in wanting your girlfriend to get off, and what better way than right alongside you; bravo for supporting mutual enjoyment. However, after reading some of our articles related this topic, such as Why is it so Difficult for Her to G-spot Orgasm or G-spot Stimulation, you'll realize that regardless of your good intentions or how adept you are as a lover, there is nothing that you can do to actually make her come before she's physically and mentally ready.

Having a G-spot orgasm is a more complex process than merely finding the ‘go’ button and releasing it. Also, seeing as she was a virgin before she became intimate with you, try to understand that vaginal orgasms were, and still are, a totally new phenomenon for her. Many consider this form of erotic pleasure elusive and, at times, rather puzzling; thus, the skill building and self-awareness necessary to experience it takes time and practice. Since she is still in the early stages of developing her own sexuality, continue to show her your willingness to grow as her lover; if you focus more on the journey and less on the end result, the absence of pressure may be just what she needs to let go.

If you want a tip to take your lovemaking to the next level, try integrating her having an Orgasm with having sex. The secret to success is not to treat it as a race:

  • Start with some Foreplay to get her really turned on, all the while providing plenty of encouragement to express her wants and desires.
  • Using a sensuous, slow pace, arouse your woman by alternating between Oral and manual pleasure, being careful not to overwhelm with stimulation. Erotic intensity may get her off clitorally, but it has the overall tendency of causing constriction rather than relaxation, precisely the opposite of what's most conducive to vaginal orgasms and comfortable penetration.
  • Slowing your girlfriend down before she peaks is key. As eager as she is to climax, don't take her all the way - not yet anyway. When she starts getting close, slow down stimulation and politely stop. Substitute this instead with something you know she'll like such as Sensual Massage, spanking, or even a little Dirty Talk.
  • At this point, she is suspended in an intense state of arousal. This is now the perfect time as any to go for Intercourse. Use positions that won't penetrate her so deeply. Also, opt for positions that continue to stimulate her clitoris while you're still inside her. Once she begins to associate pleasure with sex, rather than pain, she'll be far more apt to open her mind and her body to the possibilities of vaginal orgasms, and in the meantime, you can prep yourself by studying up on Positions for G-Spot Stimulation.