5 Relationship Killers
All of the reasons that brought you together won’t necessarily be the ones that keep you together; and if you’re prone to any one of the unsavory character traits on our list of top five relationship killers, sooner or later, your love life will end up feeling like a battle field.
Fortunately, there are many ways to turn around these flaws or failures into relationship fulfillment, and the first step is figuring out just where the problems lie:
1. Jealousy
According to an article published in Psychology Today by Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., jealousy “represents a threat to your connection with another person that is experienced as anxiety and fear that someone else can and will take your place.” This fear of abandonment, as common a problem it is for many individuals, doesn’t justify the damage jealousy can do to your relationship and to yourself; “the fear, anxiety and anger about a potential loss that jealousy evokes can be experienced as negatively as the loss itself, and sometimes worse.”
Jealousy is an indication that a person is protecting their own self interests. He or she is so afraid of losing love and affection that their behavior begins to alienate the one they want to be loved by. When you realize how much jealousy truly jeopardizes the relationship you so dearly want to hold onto, the answer is obvious; this antagonistic trait is clearly not worth the toxic energy it perpetuates. What is the bottom line? Jealousy is destructive and agonizing, so seek help before it turns a falsely perceived threat of losing a relationship into a true reality.
2. Dishonesty
Dishonesty can manifest itself in many forms, such as: lying, cheating, or even something as seemingly innocuous as masking your own true feelings. Regardless of any well-meaning intentions you have to justify the lies, when it comes to deceit, all roads lead to the same end - a dead one.
The foundation of every relationship requires trust, and there’s no faster way to break down the basis of an intimate partnership than avoiding the truth. Dishonesty is easily rationalized and highly destructive in a relationship, and you may be so far gone that you don’t even realize when you’re doing it!
If you’re guilty of making a habit of lying, then ask yourself why, and (while the cards are out on the table) consider if it is really that impossible for you to call it like it is. The truth is if you have to use dishonesty to get through everyday life with a boyfriend or girlfriend, then you might be lying to yourself about the real reason you’re keeping yourself locked into the said situation.
3. Anger
Rushing to judgment, provoking negative dialogue, indignation, blaming, accusing, pointless arguing, insulting, emotional and/or physical abuse … anger’s destructive effects are not unlike those of jealousy and dishonestly, but this relationship killer has a way of welling up inside a person and spiraling out of control. Granted, many people weren’t taught the skills necessary to control the intensity of their emotions and behavior, but this character trait should never be tolerated, neither by the person who’s seeing red - nor the one who has to bear the brunt of it.
Dealing with conflict, especially relationship issues, can overwhelm virtually anyone - especially when they don’t have the tools to cope with the stress. If you want to work through such problems, then focus on resolving conflict positively and learn to calmly express the feelings that trigger the anger in the first place. Approach discord in a positive, solutions-oriented manner, lightheartedly even. This will not only have the effect of diffusing an otherwise explosive situation, it will bring you and your partner closer in the end.
Anger management classes are a great option for those willing to overcome the urge to communicate aggressively.
4. Selfishness
In the game of love, there’s nothing wrong with keeping your own best interests a priority. But come the time “it’s all about me” surfaces in a relationship, then you can’t ask to sink a ship any faster. When the need to have it your way starts to outweigh the needs of your partner, it signals that your sweetie may not be the right fit, but it might also be a sign that you’re too self-involved to be in the relationship.
The odd thing about self-centeredness is the more you give into it, the more alone you feel. You become steadily less equipped to appreciate the positive attributes of your partner - and end up taking them for granted. So, when you start to feel entitled with your partner, try reciprocating; not only do you get a lot back when you just give a little, also the practice of being other-centered will help keep your selfish tendencies at bay.
5. Being controlling
Being able to call some of the shots in a relationship can be quite satisfying. It feels good to have your thoughts and opinions valued and, if your partner is open to listening, there’s no harm in making your take on a situation known. However, a person who’s controlling is one who likes things to always go their own way, and they have a difficult time handling things being otherwise.
When the attitude of “my way, or the highway” starts to spin out of control, the controlling partner encroaches upon the needs and desires of their partner and disregards their right to free will. Nitpicking, arguing, and other negative behavior ensues, and unnecessarily so. So if you or your partner is struggling with control issues, seek professional advice, or follow some of the advice in #3.
No one is immune to these relationship killers, and just because you’re guilty of one now doesn’t mean you’re doomed for failure. A happy couple will usually tell you that working things through is the key to a successful relationship. So, arm yourself with a positive approach and identify areas that need work; come up with strategies to feel better equipped to deal with everyday life, and focus on a creating a brighter future - for the two of you.
