4 Relationship Backsliders

We all know about the big things that send relationships right down the toilet: sneaking around behind your partner's back, acting insanely jealous, and being plain old selfish. But have you ever stopped to think about the little things that you do, the stuff you might not even notice, that could be chipping away at your blissful union?

If you think you might be guilty of a relationship blunder-by-omission, there's no need to panic. Here's a list of some top relationship 'back-sliders' you may not realize you're committing and a tailor made action plan to deal with each:

1. You’ve gotten a little too comfortable

As your courtship blossoms into a full blown relationship, there’s nothing wrong with becoming more comfortable with your romantic companion, but just because you’re in a couple doesn’t give you license to let it all hang out, all the time.

Not only is it healthy to let them become privy to the inner you, it's a sign that your bond is becoming deeper and more intimate. The only snag is that you might forget to pay attention to how your behavior - along with your less endearing habits - is impacting on your significant other. Sure, let them in, but don’t lead them out the door because you don't pick up after yourself, dress like a slob, or answer text messages in the middle of a conversation. This can have the unfortunate effect of contributing to, or causing, conflict.

Remedy: Make a good impression

By all means, let your partner see you in your most ‘natural’ state, but don’t take advantage of a situation by letting your self-awareness fall by the wayside. Be mindful of how your less desirable tendencies might impact others and that they might make your partner feel less respected. So, make a point of paying attention to how your particular quirks affect your sweetie, and if you aren't sure, ask.

2. You’ve stop noticing

Just because you ‘got’ them, doesn't mean you're going to be able to ‘keep’ them, and if your ability to stay on top of your game while you’re in a relationship falls to the wayside once the novelty of a new love wears off, you'll find yourself locked into a repetitive cycle of starting relationships, but never being able to hold onto them. As one Harvard psychologist and best-selling author Ellen Langer puts it, “Once we think we know another person well, we don't pay attention to them anymore, and the person stops being seen."

Remedy: Pay attention

Focusing on consistency rather than extravagance, the solution to this relationship backslider is to make it a habit of paying attention to the all the reasons - big or small - that remind you of why you’re happy to be with your partner … anything from how cheerful they always are, to how they’re always there for you when you need them. Also, take note of anything that seems new about your partner. Both of you continue to grow as individuals even though you’re in a relationship, but it’s up to you to enable yourself to pick up on who they’re becoming.

When you make mindful awareness an ongoing priority, it increases how engaged you feel with your partner and breeds a renewed sense of enthusiasm towards the relationship. Moreover, the amount of effort it takes to maintain a regular habit of showing them your appreciation is not only so minimal, it will eventually become so second nature you won’t even notice yourself doing it - but they certainly will.

3. Rushing the relationship

Many men and women create undue pressure on their relationships by wanting too much, too soon. Perhaps it’s to avoid loneliness or a way to ‘lock down’ a person they see potential in. But any which way you look at it, when having a mate matters more than being compatible with one, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Creating unrealistic expectations and setting your hopes up too high will only lead to a crushing disappointment when your partner doesn’t live up to your expectations.

Remedy: Get to know each other

Falling in love and settling down is a dream that many people share, but the urge to make this fantasy a reality is so strong among some, they’ll take more time in planning what they think their life will be like, rather than getting to know the right person to do it with. There really is no way to avoid it; love and intimacy require patience.

No matter how pretty you paint a picture for your future, it will never be as rosy as what you hope for unless you find a worthy companion to share it with. In order to get to know an intimate partner’s character, you have to avoid rushing through the ‘honeymoon’ stage of a relationship -you know, the one where infatuation rules over rationality - before deciding on commitment. And according to some researchers, the buzz of infatuation can last upwards of two years, meaning you’ve got to exercise patience before locking things down for good.

4. Nitpicking

Activities like paying bills, cooking, or doing chores around the house can be a real pain, but they can also suck the wind right out of a relationship, especially when there’s a nitpicker in the house. Couples, especially co-habiting ones, can fall into the trap of putting too much attention on running a smooth household and not enough on the steps necessary to maintain a healthy, balanced relationship. And when the energy that used to be spent on the keeping the love-fire lit takes a back seat to nagging, arguing or policing one another until everything is done just right, the once happy couple-dom can slowly start to crumble.

　

Remedy: Focus on yourself

If you know you’re guilty of repeating requests over and over, you may very well be a nitpicker. You have to decide whether to do things yourself - the way you want them to be done - or learn to accept that your partner’s pace and method is different from yours. Try and find a middle-ground compromise that is acceptable to you both. Another thing to consider is the reason why you’re nitpicking. Is it a way to feel in control of yourself, your partner or your environment? Or perhaps you and your sweetie simply aren’t cut out to live with one another!

Susan Biali, wellness coach and author of Your Prescription for Life, has this to say about dealing with nitpicking: “forget about what the other person is doing badly, or isn't doing, and focus on taking positive action in your own life instead. By making your life more satisfying, you take pressure off your relationship to be your sole source of happiness. Plus, by taking care of what you need to in your own life, you bring a more positive attitude back into the relationship.”

Final Thoughts

Relationships aren’t perfect - they never are - but the good thing is there’s always room for improvement if you’re willing to admit you’ve erred. So, if you’re guilty of a relationship backslider, seize it as an opportunity for growth, looking at it as a way to deepen the bond between you and your partner. As always, communication and compromise is key to a happy – and lasting – relationship!